what to do then when our man not only does not esteem us but begins to belittle us? The real strength of every relationship lies in self-confidence, we begin to build it and we can calmly decide whether to start a new way of living together or … leave it.
- Build confidence in yourself
- Reserve the right to change
- Give space to the strength in you
- Befriend your fear
- Challenge your need for approval
- Give up guilt
- Put the right distance
- Face the situation
- Feed your personal pride
- Be true to what you believe
The relationship between imagined love and a real relationship must consider a fundamental variable: time. How many times have you invested infinite resources in a relationship waiting for a positive change that never comes? We assume the present while waiting for the future, but in the meantime we empty ourselves of all energy.
We believe that he will finally see our value, meanwhile days, weeks, years go by. Yet we never ask ourselves why it is we who need to seek recognition in the other .
They taught you that two people who love each other support each other, they believe in each other, they reach out to each other: you’ve always believed that. But, you don’t even know how, you ended up in a relationship that belittles you and now you have to deal with a man unable to try to show genuine respect for you. Surviving the next day is now only a question of inner strength , what you will find within yourself.
“And so you find yourself loving seriously; but for some reason it is not a rewarding love, and sooner or later you will have to ask yourself: what do I do now? This question will mark the moment of your life in which you will be able to discover other forms of love, starting with self-love. It will not be the same, it will not be the same, but I assure you that it will be a thousand times better than living badly, expecting the impossible or suffering frustration after frustration “
Montse Barderi
1. Build confidence in yourself
“The main task in everyone’s life is to give birth to oneself”
Erich Fromm
The ‘ self-esteem is not a kit that gives birth. On the contrary, we have to build it with the sweat of our brow. It is true that depending on your family background it can become easier or harder to develop self-esteem, but don’t be fooled. The confidence in yourself is something uniquely yours: in spite of living conditions, which may be difficult or seemingly easier, begins to grow when you begin to see your chances.
The knowledge that you can do it is the first step to really do it: it means admitting your resources and starting to consider them as such.
2. Reserve the right to change
“Only the dead and the stupid never change their minds”
James Russell Lowell
“You have changed”: in violent relationships, even violent ones in a silent way, is one of the accusations that hurts the most. It is a judgment that displaces, leaves you stunned and unable to react . How to respond to such an accusation? There is no foothold. This simple phrase has the power to trigger guilt immediately. But this is the key: What triggers your feelings of guilt?
For those who know you well, guilt is a very easy button to press to get a reaction. What you can do is stop racking your mind for justifications. And even if it were? Changing your mind, horizons, goals is a right: none of us are the same person as adolescence … luckily! Change means the ability to evolve.
3. Give space to the strength in you
“For once, you believed in yourself. You thought you were beautiful and so did the rest of the world ”
Sarah Dessen
The other says or does something towards me: he touches me, physically or verbally, and this causes a reaction in me. Disgust, sadness, anger, joy, fear: on the wave of emotions we continue to throw the ball at each other. We play poison ball every day. Today try to hold the ball in your hands, observe it: it represents your personal power .
When you stop sending messages to the other, every time you consciously accept to take a step back and decide not to respond to the provocation, you discover the great courage of silence . Inside is the seed of strength that we have within us. Start seeing the beauty in you and focus on your energy. I stop looking at the other, I start paying attention to myself: a revolution!
4. Befriend your fear
“Man’s greatest enemy is fear, which appears in such different forms as shame, jealousy, anger, insolence, arrogance… What is the cause of fear?
Lack of self-confidence ”
Svami Prajnanapada
Easier said than done, it’s true. Working on your fears is a long internal process . It can take years and eventually discover that you never get rid of fear: brave people are not those who are never afraid, but those who are able to act despite fear . ” The enemy is fear. It is thought to be hatred, but it is fear ” Gandhi preached.
Instead of chasing it away, try to become friends with your fears, meet their gaze: your deepest fears tell you truths buried within you . When we turn fear into an ally, we discover that we can self-unlock and take action once again.
5. Challenge your need for approval
“Wickedness always comes from weakness”
Lucio Anneo Seneca
It seems impossible, yet you can survive even without his or others’ approval. Yes, we can survive even without having the recognition of those around us: this is what dissidents, rebels and all those who manage to oppose the dominant logic while keeping a free mind can do . Otherwise how do you think a human being who fights for his rights in a society that does not allow them could survive?
Take the social into the personal, you could learn a valuable lesson from it. Often those who manifest themselves with small gratuitous malice and acts of miserable baseness are the first to nurture a low self-esteem towards themselves . When I learn to bounce the judgment of others, it is because I am giving space to my inner strength : I no longer need the other to nourish it.
6. Give up guilt
“Estimate yourself. The only ones who appreciate a doormat are those with dirty shoes ”
Leo Buscaglia
We know very well how to hurt each other. But we don’t want to. And so we end up hurting ourselves . The sense of guilt is a perverse mechanism, which has its roots deep in our history and has a privileged territory in hypersensitive people .
Consider this: it is one thing to intentionally hurt, another is that our actions involuntarily end up hurting. Sometimes hurting is a consequence, sometimes it is even necessary, for example when it comes to making a decision for your own good . Kind of like making a child take bitter medicine: you wouldn’t hesitate just because you see him crying, right?
Reconsider guilt and start looking at how easily you fall into shame, in feeling responsible for the lives of others , in the sense of abandonment. How do you feel? Maybe it’s your reactions that you should start paying attention to.
7. Put the right distance
“The insecure walk modestly with their heads down, the bold walk proudly with their heads held high: in both cases the risk of tripping is high”
Emanuela Breda
Close, very close, or far, far, far: often those who are incapable of a balanced love relationship are very good at knowing how to be alone, or so close as to suffocate or suffocate. The difficulty is finding the right distance. This love is a gas chamber , sang Gianna Nannini: the right distance is what allows you to breathe.
What is your master? There are many, especially invisible. There are mental masters, such as the need to stay in control at any cost, and emotional masters, such as the need for recognition and approval. Remember that tyrant and victim usually feed each other … sticking to each other . But when I decide how far I need to be from the other, I find my space again , here is the real achievement.
8. Face the situation
“The pain of yesterday is the strength of the warrior of light”
Paulo Coelho
Responsiveness is not only a matter of the mind, it is also a matter of the body. As the principles of bioenergetics explain , how the mind influences the body, everything that starts from the physical influences the mental.
Take a deep breath , open your chest. ” Stand up and look people in the eye when you talk, ” they told us as children. Yes, even from the positions assumed by our body the ability to respond arises . You need to work on yourself to become strong within.
9. Feed your personal pride
“No one can force you to feel inferior without your consent”
Eleanor Anne Roosevelt
The word pride has a double meaning . It can turn into leathery stiffness, but it is also a key ingredient for good self-esteem. Proud is the happy child of his first steps and strong of the first discoveries of the world, curious and projected towards freedom. Recovering this part of spontaneity, often buried under the dusty sense of daily duty, distracts us from the stagnation of thoughts. It’s a breath of fresh air.
What makes me feel satisfied with myself? Start asking yourself this question. Building our little reasons for personal pride is a mission that needs all our commitment and… love for ourselves.
10. Be true to what you believe
“Freedom: walking free and having no masters”
Walt Whitman
What’s really worth it to you? I’m not talking about this day: today is just one photograph among many of a month or a year. But week after week life goes on, continues to flow. The love you feel for an important person will not cease to exist. Yet a stop occurs, generally not by rational choice but because something inside says enough . It is the classic image of the drop that breaks the camel’s back.
How am I using my time? We can ignore this question, or we can start thinking about it seriously. There is a secret memory drawer that contains our dreams, intact as in the past, the deep values we believe in, the fundamental needs that we have hidden for years. Finding that black box is regaining the mental and physical freedom you need to decide what you really want from your life . Everything else will come accordingly.
