What is love?
Well, the question is too deep for an ordinary mortal like me, so I let an expert on human nature answer , the person who most of all made me understand what it really means to love, Erich Fromm :Love is an active power of man; a power that cancels the walls that separate him from his fellow men, that makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separation, and yet allows him to be himself and to preserve his integrity. It seems a paradox, but in love two beings become one , yet they remain two.
Here we find the fundamental element for a relationship that is founded on true love, being one while being two.
In fact, very often it happens that in relationships you cancel each other out, that you become one with the other person forgetting to have an identity .
Or it happens that you forget you have a partner and just do what you want.
The first are those cases in which one lives according to the other , in which one puts aside one’s passions, interests or friends, for one’s partner.
The second, on the other hand, are those cases in which the other does not even exist , in which one is so sure of his presence that nothing is done to appreciate or gratify him.
Between the two extremes of a co-dependent and detached relationship should be what we can define as a healthy and lasting relationship , as well as the answer to the questions What is love? and When do you really love?
Read also: 30 questions to ask to get to know a person better
Everyone thinks they know what love is/What is love?
There is no other word in the world that has been more idealized, and perhaps misunderstood , than the word “love”.
Everyone knows what love is or, at the very least, they think they know.
In the name of love, poetry, music, literature, cinema, art have indulged.
In the name of what is defined love , eternal promises and blatant deeds are made, and then we get angry and suffer.
It could be talked about indefinitely, yet it would only scratch its true meaning .
Because love is everything we believe to be and also everything the opposite :
- It is a feelingthat arises spontaneously but which must also be nurtured over time.
- It is something irrationalbut also logical and rational.
- It is an activityof the heart but also of the mind.
- It is an emotionthat can make us alive but also make us live an illusion.
- It is aninstinctive impulse but also a talent to be developed.
Yes, loving is a talent , a bit like playing the piano or painting, a “movement” of the body and soul that becomes more graceful as you practice.
So, this being the case, it may be that loving also requires a certain level of “practice” , a certain level of education and awareness.
And it may be that, to fully understand what love is, the will to distinguish what is from what is not is necessary.
Read also: Couple therapy, how it works and when it is convenient to do it
What love is not
- Love is not jealousy, it is not possession, it is not domination, it is not addiction.
- Love is not morbid attachment, it is not verbal or physical compulsion or abuse.
- Love is not manipulation, it is not an impediment to the free expression of the other.
- Love is not unawareness or ignorance, it is not insensitivityto the needs of others.
- Love is not authoritarian, it is not selfish, it is not attached to money or success.
- Love is not emotional or environmental pollution, it isneither toxic nor problematic.
- Love is not giving too much or taking too much, it is not too indifferent or too suspicious.
- Love is not self-denialor helplessness.
- Love cannot be placed on conditions, it cannot be limitedto a specific place or time.
- Love is not exclusion, it is not injustice, nor disparity.
- Love is not an islandwhere one goes to live excluding and excluding oneself, it is not a defense against the world or a pretext for hating the world.
- Love is not war, it is not constant quarrels or continuous complications.
- Love is not violenceor punishment, it is not judgment or crippling worry.
- Finally love is not conditions, it is not I love you ifor I love you but.
Read also : Identikit of unrequited love, 10 questions to understand who you love does not love you
What is love, when you truly love
Love has nothing to do with any of this.
True love is an inclination, an “activity” of thought that translates into a profound and unconditional interest in the loved one, in a dispassionate desire for their evolution and well-being, whatever that entails.
We love therefore when we learn to pay attention to the needs of satisfaction and joy of others, when we learn to have faith in their potential, in their natural tendency to become the best possible version of themselves.
We love, then, when we consider anyone, even our own child, as a being independent of us , as a life that follows its own path, its own growth.
We love when we want this growth, when we let it happen in its own way, in its own time.
We love when we get lost in the other, when we know his inner world without trying to change it.
We love when we know and understand each other. One loves when one makes a fundamental choice : the choice to let go of vanity, one’s claims of invulnerability and perfection, the infantile requests for attention and validation.
Read also : Love at a distance: challenges, merits and advice on how to survive the distance
The art of loving … first of all oneself
The indispensable premise of this love, the unique condition that gives validity and strength to love directed outside of us, is love that is born and spreads within … love for oneself .
Very often in our society, love for oneself is confused with narcissism and selfishness, with placing one’s own interest before that of others.
This misconception justifies the use of money and the pursuit of wealth at all costs, prevents us from respecting the suffering of others, gives legitimacy to greed, inhibits tolerance and creates separation.
The egoist sees the other as something to be exploited or overcome.
Those who have self- love are not so concerned with winning at the expense of someone but with improving themselves, and are capable of rejoicing in the successes of others as much as of suffering for their losses.
Loving yourself is an art, it means feeling full of something you want to share with the world , caring about your own realization and that of those around you.
To love oneself means to love one’s body, to aspire to the health and prosperity of the soul; it means having faith in yourself , loving yourself and wanting to protect your “inner child”.
And then it means learning to empathize , forgive your mistakes and accept your flaws.
Without empathy for oneself there is no compassion for the other, and without compassion for the other there is no love , there is no connection, there is no fullness or meaning.
Blaming oneself and the inability to appreciate oneself are the two biggest obstacles to true love , because …
when you are not comfortable with who you are, others will be seen as a means to resolve your own insecurities , and not as an end or the ultimate goal of our love.
In addition, loving or not loving oneself marks the difference between infantile love , which is primarily aimed at taking from others, and mature love , which is primarily aimed at giving.
As Master Eckhart Tolle says , “great and just is he who, loving himself, loves his neighbor equally” , and great and just is he who, loving himself, loves the whole world equally .
Read also : The 100 most beautiful, memorable (and fun) love quotes ever
Read also: What is love? 5 rules to find the ideal partner
Phrases on love taken from the book “the Art of Love” by Erich Fromm
The art of loving by Erich Fromm is the book that most of all explains in depth what are the main characteristics of a healthy and mature love , not only in couple relationships, but also in the relationship with parents, siblings and society .
Here are some of my favorite love quotes from the book:
Love is an active feeling , not a passive one; it is an achievement, not a surrender. Its active character can be summarized in the concept that love is above all Giving and not receiving.
Any attempt to love is doomed to fail if one does not try to develop one’s personality more actively.
If a person loves only another person and is indifferent towards his fellow men, his is not love, but a symbiotic attachment .
The very essence of motherly love is to take care of the baby’s growth, and that means wanting the baby to separate from her .
Selfishness and self-love, rather than being the same, are opposites . The egoist does not love himself too much, but too little, in reality he hates himself.
If I am attached to another person because I am unable to stand up, he or she can be a “lifesaver”, but the relationship is not a love relationship.
Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the primary condition for the ability to love.
Love is not the consequence of adequate sexual satisfaction , but sexual happiness is a consequence of love.
One form of pseudo-love that is not uncommon and often occurs is idolatrous love . If a person has not reached a high level of maturity, he tends to idealize his loved one.
Love is possible only if two people communicate with each other from the depths of their being , that is, if each of them feels himself from the center of his being.
What matters, in relation to love, is faith in one’s love and in one’s ability to arouse love in others… Loving is an act of faith, and anyone with little faith will also have little love.
