I had a couple in therapy a few years ago. Unlike many other couples, this couple had great trust in each other.
They could talk about anything, and there had been no infidelity, unemployment, loss of close family, relocation, or anything else that could immediately upset their balance. The couple had 3 children who all thrived in school and kindergarten, so as they themselves said there was immediately nothing which was the reason why they felt bad with each other for long periods at a time.
Why they sought me out.
They approached me when they had both gone through a winter and a spring thinking that they should separate, but could not bring themselves to split the family – for no reason, as they said.
In the circle of friends they saw many dramatic conditions.
They sat and felt pampered, because around them in the circle of friends they saw many dramatic conditions, and this couple felt that they really had nothing to complain about, they had just run dead – at times.
When they approached me, the man in particular was frustrated. He wanted to continue, but he did not know how to find the spark for his wife. He had developed a tendency to stay at work longer than he should, and was obviously met with incomprehension and sadness from his wife, who wanted to nurture it and did not feel that he chose the family. The wife actually had a lot of energy, she was happy with her job, but felt that her husband was more of a good friend than a boyfriend, so she no longer needed sexual and intimate intimacy with him.
Characteristic of the parties was that the two areas of life that filled for them were partly the family and partly the job. It was extremely sparse what they had of time with each other, they did not have friends and girlfriends separately. They did not have leisure activities separately, and when we discussed this aspect, a light began to dawn on them individually. The husband could see that he was only charging up at work and the wife could see that she put all her energy into the family and also indirectly pressured the husband to be very active in the family. But no one can be pressured to feel the urge to include themselves, just as no one can be whipped to laugh. So this couple got a very different course than most. Precisely because this couple had to let go of each other a bit. They could talk to each other and understand their problems, even though they had not been able to solve them so far. But they had both mistakenly believed that it was only in two areas of life that energy should be found. Therefore, they were both sent home with guidance in clarifying what leisure activity they would each engage in. And was also asked to clarify which friend / girlfriend relationships they would strengthen, so as not to share and discuss everything exclusively with the partner. Furthermore, they also had to choose a monthly / weekly day according to their own needs, where they did something as lovers and not only as father / mother, as the role as parents dominated a lot in that they had three children with their own needs. We met several times over a 5 month period. It takes time and decision again to make adjustments into a fairly programmed family and workday. But this couple wanted through, and to their amazement, the emotions began to come again.
The last two times were about not idealizing each other.
Not believing that the other party in the relationship is the guarantee of our personal happiness. Not to immerse oneself so much that it is the only thing that exists in the world. The man felt after the course that he had burned himself out mentally, simply by thinking only “family” and “job” as the headlines in his life. In the same way, the wife acknowledged that she had been a little too much of a hen mother and had demanded that her husband fill the role of both best friend, caring and understanding parent (for her) as well as being an exciting and imaginative man. Fortunately, they found the thread again, so that walking on the ground was not so heavy anymore, and so that they could recognize and respect each other as human beings and not as idols.
