Have you heard any of these statements? – or do you know the mood that arises when the following statements are made:
I know no one like you who can look at things black and pessimistic.
So your huge need for excessive security kills joy in many situations.
So you get upset about little things – I do not understand that we can not just take one thing at a time and rejoice in what is going well.
Why are you yelling ?
Now believe that we will probably make it. We have lots of money and lots of time to get to the finish line.
Other people want you well. Can’t you just accept instead of having this “what if” concern in your mind.
Do you really think that you are losing your job just because you made a single mistake?
Can’t you just change tracks – and be the bright and funny and smart person that I also know you are.
The atmosphere was mega good, before you came home. But now the oasis of dissatisfaction has been so long that we are all completely punctured.
In the good times
In the good times you had intense and fun. Your partner is super-intelligent and has both great humor and insight and you could enjoy “crooked” experiences together.
In the good times, your partner was far more relaxed. Before you had the children, he or she could spontaneously take the initiative for something different, and you enjoyed talking deeply and at length about many things.
In the good times, there was almost a magical atmosphere – especially when there was control of the house, the garden, the food, the budget and plans for the future.
Once you appreciated that:
Your partner listened to you. You appreciated that your partner questioned many things because it brought you angles that you were too careless about.
In the good times you enjoyed many moments together. Especially when you set up a safe setting for a weekend, you could frolic with good sex, deep movies, philosophical books, delicious food.
In the good times, you explored your personal history and immersed yourself in understanding the human mind and the processes and dynamics between people.
You could accommodate your partner
They could accommodate your partner because you could see and feel that the reliability, tenacity and loyalty that your partner had and has in him is unsurpassed and something that is only rarely found.
Back then, you could also accommodate that there were – and still are – reasons why your partner needed a high degree of
Security and understanding of personal processes
You could see that your partner was clearly anxious and worried in many contexts and it touched your heart and made you want to give him or her a supportive hand in the back.
You could see that he or she easily became anxious and scared, – especially for new situations and changes, and it might arouse a urge to protect you. Probably a factor as to why they’re doing so poorly.
But now it is as if the mood is constantly strained.
You do not know when you have said or done something wrong, and have gradually begun to fear your partner’s reaction
You get tired of the many conversations and the many “why don’t you just do that” questions. Should everything then be constantly put under the microscope?
Can we not just live a little free and quiet, – we lack nothing, and they are illogical for you that your partner withdraws so often. To either think or relax. However, it does not seem right that rest benefits your partner. He or she is still thinking.
Now it is as if small things are made unnecessarily large. For example, there should be no chaos and abysmal despair just because it was a little difficult to find the car when you got out of the airport after the holiday trip
Your partner’s need for security makes you feel a little sick. There are also systems that he or she has that you simply do not understand the meaning of.
There is a phenomenon in nature called “coincidence”, and you want it to be accepted as a condition, so there is no need to speculate about everything and not to fear everything.
The rhetoric
You call – maybe just inside your head – and maybe him her too
- Pessimist
- Rasmus Modsat
- Light switch off
- Mr or Mrs Concern
And when those words fall, it’s not exactly a cozy atmosphere that spreads
Well?
Where are you going now?
If it is not to end with many years of accusations and heaviness in everyday life and in the worst case divorce, you and I must do something to turn the tide.
It’s so enticing to look at what your partner needs to do.
Because he or she just has to:
Turn down the control
Be kind and see the light in life
Believe that everything will probably work out
Do not overanalyze and speculate on things we still have no influence on
Feel the world
Maybe start meditating so he or she gets peace of mind
And not least: have a more positive and appreciative communication
I think you think so…
The consideration, of course, is that if your partner makes this transformation, then your joy will be generated again. Does not mean that if you wait and hope for this, then you are in a waiting room.
Isn’t it a little silly to wait as the primary strategy?
There is a key to this lock
Let me introduce you to a secret. Which you know really well, but which I think you forgot.
Your partner makes all these efforts to be: Safe and secure
Because when your partner is safe and secure, he or she can relax again.
This great need for safety and security arises because your partner is basically terribly afraid of whether there is someone or something who can and will support and guide him or her.
Can you see him or her inside behind all the noise, fear, security measures and anger?
The little boy or girl who hopes and thirsts for you to show an acknowledgment of the need to think and talk about what scares him or her
The little boy or girl who also wants to feel free and playful and if anyone wants to be carefree and carefree
For in fact, there is no more negative substance in your partner than positive. It’s just become his business to figure it out.
And especially your partner needs you to acknowledge this.
Because: When your resistance drops, your partner relaxes more
Can you treat him or her this?
If the answer is yes, you still feel a love, and then there is a way.
The good advice
Set aside time several times a week to listen to your partner’s concerns. Without giving good advice.
Create small safe moments where you do something that is familiar, such as drinking a cup of coffee on the terrace, listening to some music you like, playing a game.
Acknowledge it when your partner is doing something new or unfamiliar, such as playing a new game with one of the kids, going to parenting intros for the first time, seemed effortless and comfortable in a social context.
Bonus info about the Enneagram type
The attentive reader has seen that it is type 6, the Motif Researcher, from the Enneagram that is described here. Of course in a slightly life-tight version.
Remember that type 6, the motive researcher, takes qualities from type 9, the peacemaker, in harmony.
And therefore flourishes in peaceful, predictable and safe surroundings.
A little info about type 6, The Motif Researcher
Basic fear and conviction
Great fear that there is no one or anything that will support and guide one.
That things go wrong and being without a fixed framework or something I can stick to.
‘I am convinced that I have the right to prevent something from going wrong’
High level
Here, type 6 will be expressive, fearless, persevering and faithful. They will behave credibly, deliver good craftsmanship, be careful and good at persuading others in a well-meaning way. They will also have the courage to step into tasks or situations where a plan (as well as a rescue plan) has not first been devised. They will thus rely on their own judgment and bring their own ideas and passions to life.
Low level
Here, type 6 will act as fanatical, loud-mouthed cowards with a case that is deeply irrational. They will have found a cause that gives them a solid framework and a sense of security, while at the same time their loyalty to a cause / concept – more than a loyalty to family, friends or the association they may be a part of.
Positive contributions
Type 6 inspires the other types to secure themselves against becoming the fool who was cheated. Their tenacity and loyalty is precisely the commodity that man in the Western world lacks, as it stands in stark contrast to the zapper culture, where we quickly drop the relationship, the toaster or the barbecue if it gets rusty or does not work.
At a high level of self-awareness, the 6 has learned to believe in their decisions and they have found the courage to follow their heart and intuition. Just the courage to live life and take it for what it is is the biggest lesson the 6 has learned. To learn this, the 6 has left the block to the to-do list and trusted that if things are important enough, they will also be remembered the next day. They have learned to let their minds rest and have found a flexible and safe way to fall asleep – without being kept awake by thoughts, plans, worries and projects.
