Previous note: In this post on “Anguish and Anxiety in relationships” I propose some reflections, in addition to bringing testimonies, whose names have been changed to preserve the identity of the interviewees.
Our relationships
We have a great facility to look at the past and remove a lot of things from our “chest” that we put back into our present.
A betrayal that someone committed, slander, discord , disagreement, etc., things that should remain in the past, we bring up every day, that continue to torment our existence.
At present, there are many times when we find ourselves in very complicated situations: debts to pay and having no money; disease and doctors who do not give much hope; rebellious children; a marriage without respect or love.
It can be so many things …
The truth is that the human being is the same everywhere. He suffers, cries, regrets and often despairs. This is part of our humanity.
And that is why many get tired of life, do not even deal with the problems of today and still have to carry the problems that there is no more to solve, because, precisely, they are in the past.
Sometimes we hurt each other intentionally in our relationships, sometimes unintentionally, but in both cases, it takes a lot of compassion to generate and maintain unity.
To forgive?
The true union, friendship or relationship that exists mutual support, people experience compassion, being a space for benevolence, where mistakes are not constantly remembered, but forgiven and overcome.
It is not possible to have unity in the workplace, in a community organization or in the family without forgiveness, because bitterness and resentment always destroy relationships.
When we are hurt by someone else, we have a choice to make: retaliate or resolve. It is not possible to do both when using our energies and emotions to resolve the issue. Many hesitate to show compassion because they do not understand the difference between trusting and forgiving.
Forgiving means disconnecting from the past. Trust has to do with future behavior.
Do you need to trust?
Trust requires history, regardless of the therapeutic action we choose to take. Lack of forgiveness can turn into emotional cancer, a lethal source of permanent bitterness.
However, we are not expected to immediately trust the person who hurt us, nor to continue to allow him to offend us. They need to cultivate and prove over time that they have changed in order to regain our trust.
The ideal is to seek the help of a professional to carry out a therapy, because alone you can see the light under rubble, you cannot see the real dimension of the problem!
A deep restoration is necessary to control anxiety and distress, so that we avoid making desperate or hasty decisions, in addition to not acting by their forces or impulses.
Cure!
There are hurts to be healed and, as with a thermometer, you will have to clear the hurt that is currently too strong for the relationship to be restored.
Restlessness and expectation often take control of our mind and body. As a result of this situation, we became nervous and impatient, leaving those with us the noble disposition of patience and tolerance in the face of our unbearable behavior.
So, live the seconds, minutes and hours today, until the day is over, walk step by step through the minefield with strength and determination, without haste. Have serenity to accept everything that you cannot change and wisdom to distinguish what you can and cannot change.
Depositions
“You know, a lot of things are going on in my thoughts and in my heart, in fact I’m not being able to see and be safe, and that makes me anxious. It seems that I am not part of your plans … What I miss is hearing and realizing that I am loved, I do not know what to do … She intended to go to Japan, and told her that I did not feel safe to carry out this travel. After all, he had been involved with someone else, and I don’t know how he feels. ” (Testimony of Mr. José *).
“Last Sunday my spouse came to my house to see our son and we talked for a while. He’s sick, thin, sad. Several times I saw him with eyes full of tears … he said that he is not well and that his life has turned into a hurricane, but that these were the consequences of his own choices, and that he could not fix it any more, and it was over. His desire to quit his job and leave, disappear … he has been looking for me, and says that his life has turned into hell, and that the only person he trusts is me! I can’t turn my back on him, I need to help him, I want him back ”. (Testimony by Mrs. Maria *).
“I got divorced … my heart is not at peace, I almost always feel anxious, anxious to have someone, because I can’t stand being alone anymore, without a person, without a legal partner”. (Testimony of Mr. João *).
“Things are not going well! The coexistence between me and him is unbearable, and as things depend on me to go a little better, it is very difficult, because I have no interest in being by his side. I can’t kiss him, hug him, let alone have sex! And that ends up hurting even more, because he feels despised, with self-esteem down there, then he ends up falling into temptation and goes to drugs: alcohol and dust ”. (Testimony of Mrs. Ana *).
“Fear of suffering is a nickname, I’m terrified. And as much as I put it in the hands of God, I can’t imagine how to get through this minefield. I don’t think he loves me anymore, it’s cold, he’s a stranger ”. (Testimony by Mrs. Paula *).
“At the time when adultery happened, my husband was angry with me for several reasons, but I never imagined the pain I felt, and the security I needed to have in him, and I would need to hear from him that he loved me, and I would never do but what he did, he wouldn’t leave me, I was all the more valuable! ” (Statement by Mrs. Lucia *).
If you identify and understand that you need to make changes in your life, in relation to problems that need to be solved, make an appointment or send a message through WhatsApp (11 99469-4246), to talk about what is happening. I’m Antonio. I have over 35 years of experience as a clinical psychologist, specialist in conflicts. I hope your contact to walk together!
My approach is Systemic Therapy, and through systemic treatment we will walk together in order to develop the necessary skills for you to obtain fundamental changes in your mood, behaviors and relationships.
I can help you to solve problems of personal, marital, professional relationships, to better deal with stress, self-esteem, to feel more secure and self-confident.
There are times in our life that lead us to personal conflicts such as pain, depression, anxiety, anguish, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, despair, sometimes we cry for any reason. There is a feeling that we are losing control, that we are not understood by the people around us. We are chained to strong emotions, thoughts and behaviors that are not part of our personality, and we are unable to solve our problems that we face. You are experiencing love conflicts in your marriage, or difficulties in your family relationship and it seems that everything will fall apart, that your ground will open… Our mind remains fixed on the problem, we try to adopt behaviors that avoid direct confrontation with the unwanted situation , but it is the nuisance that hurts us, and remains within us.
