Man has always been considered a “social animal” and as such has instincts, first of all that of establishing relationships. The reason for this basic instinct is “nothing more” than survival itself: we all need precious people who will support and protect us through life’s difficulties.
Having a good relationship as a couple is therefore a fundamental protective factor for our health and well-being. It is important to protect our well-being as a couple, first of all learning and becoming aware of what are the necessary ingredients to keep our relationships in balance.
Couple balance: needs
There are 2 basic basic needs for the human being. The need for attachment , for which we seek connection with others and a sense of belonging and the need for autonomy , the need to express ourselves and be respected in the world around us.
It is possible to imagine these two needs as the two legs that support us and with which we walk. If we act driven by only one of the two needs, we feel “unbalanced”.
How often do you prefer to agree to “protect our relationship”? How often do we say to ourselves “this time I will do as I want regardless of what others think?”.
In couples these two needs ” dance ” and constantly seek a balance.
Couple balance: emotions
When both of our basic needs are satisfied we feel happy and fulfilled.
On the other hand, when we walk ” unbalanced ” and one of our primary needs is not satisfied, we begin to perceive so-called “negative” emotions.
” Anger “, “Fear”, ” Sadness ” or ” Disgust ” are real alarm bells that make us notice that within our relationship one of our needs has not been accepted.
Fear and Sadness reflect moments when we don’t feel enough in touch with each other or when we perceive a threat that compromises our relationship. Anger and Disgust appear when we do not feel respected or see that the other does not recognize us value.
Couple balance: behaviors
Each of us has strategies to manage the negative emotions that appear in the relationship. These depend on our life history, how and how well they worked in the past and how they continue to work.
To relate to others we have 3 main options:
- we dominate the other (Lotta);
- we submit to the other (Surrender);
- we choose the escape route and call ourselves out of conflict (Avoidance).
Interpersonal cycles
Each pair works in a specific way. One of the most recent and effective couple psychotherapies, the Couples Schema Therapy , states that, depending on how these ingredients are structured within the couple, more or less functional interpersonal “cycles” are created . These keep the couple bond more or less stable.
To understand how these elements are integrated within a cycle, let’s make an example. A partner (A) focused on his need for autonomy, who tends to be self-centered and little attentive to the other’s needs, may have a partner (B) who submits to satisfy his need for care and for fear of losing the relationship or a partner (C) who will try to have their worth recognized and will continually create conflicts.
None of these scenarios are inherently dysfunctional, as long as there is flexibility and as long as the strategies we implement allow us to manage our negative emotions and satisfy the needs most important to us at a given moment.
Faced with a drastic change in one’s life habits, however, it is possible that the dance we usually do to stay in balance is interrupted and a new “adaptation” is necessary.
Changes in relationship management
When the couple habits we have on a daily basis undergo a change, the strategies we use also need to adapt.
For example, if the interpersonal distance we usually maintain is drastically reduced or increased, it is possible that the way we handle the differences in our relationship will stop working.
Take for example a period of separation or a period in which we find ourselves spending a lot more time together: in all these cases we have to adapt.
Adapt to change
In biology, adaptation is the ability of organisms to change their habits to “adapt” to the environment in which they live. If your environment changes, you need to change your habits, as well as your coping strategies .
Let’s take some examples:
- A couple in which one partner usually uses the fight, is direct and argues firmly while the other avoids confrontation and “runs away” (even literally, eg leaves the house), to regroup and decant. If the possibility of separating is reduced or absent (for more or less controllable reasons), the couple will find themselves experiencing a “new” conflict in which the conflict will last longer than usual.
- A couple accustomed to confrontation, in which both partners strugglecan struggle to reconcile if they find themselves managing the “post-conflict” alone, in distant places. In this case, the emotional and passionate opening that is created in the “hot” climate of conflict and which can favor reconciliation is missing.
It is necessary to “adapt”, evolve as a couple and experiment with new ways, even more functional than the previous ones, of managing one’s relationship.
Self Awareness
To adapt, it is essential to be aware of one’s needs , emotions and behaviors (or strategies) that we usually use to interact with others.
Our life history has taught us that some of our needs are more “acceptable” and others are more “dangerous”. To understand this concept, just think about how often we get angry or “we don’t get angry” and how often we allow ourselves to cry in public and show our most vulnerable parts.
Depending on our life experiences and how others have reacted when we have tried to express our needs, it will be more or less easy for us to continue to do so in the present.
Find the “stuck parts”
When we take up once again the model of the Couples Schema Therapy , we see how when we fail to tell ourselves that it is “right” to satisfy one of our needs, a part of us gets “stuck”.
For example, if I learned that sadness makes me appear weak and can make me devalue (and perhaps abandon) by the other, every time I feel hurt I try not to ” feel ” that sadness and pain. In this way my vulnerable part remains “blocked” , not expressed.
If over time we have learned to manage this block and that, for example by showing ourselves hard and angry (fight) or changing the subject (avoidance), it is possible that no longer having ” the space ” to put these strategies into practice produces a significant imbalance in the couple. .
It is possible to identify our “stuck parts” by asking ourselves some simple questions: “How does what’s happening make me feel?” “what I feel”?. Sometimes anger is the strategy because sadness is blocked.
Understanding how we are and what is really happening to us helps us find more functional strategies for resolving conflicts.
Understanding conflicts
Although it is little known, numerous researches have long shown that couples do not separate due to the number of conflicts they experience. Because?
As we have seen in the previous paragraphs, conflicts, which we can also call “confrontations” if we see them in a more functional perspective, are one of the ways in which we manage our relationship and often help (or should help) to satisfy our needs .
From the same perspective, conflict avoidance is equally a strategy, which, for example, makes us feel “safe” with respect to abandonment and the end of the relationship.
Acknowledging that I am having a conflict, becoming aware of why it is happening (finding the “stuck side”) is a very important starting point.
Knowing our “blocked part” and showing it to the other is one of the most effective actions. Because? Because if I do not allow the other to ” see ” my sadness, the other cannot react to my sadness and cannot take care of it.
Reconciliation after the conflict: the “Connect Talk”
A factor that testifies to the well-being of the couple is the ability to reconcile after the conflict. Psychotherapeutic models have described various techniques to facilitate the reconciliation process .
An effective technique widely used in the Couples Schema Therapy approach is the “ Connect Talk” .
In the “Connect Talk” the two partners organize an appointment in which to talk for about 30 minutes about a specific problem, which has caused conflicts and suffering in the couple. The exercise includes the following steps:
- the problematic situation is describedobjectively;
- one of the two partners talksabout his personal experience, expressing emotions and also communicating through his “blocked part”
- The listening partner repeatswhat they heard and is corrected until there is agreement on what emerged
- The roles are reversed
Through several steps, this process causes both partners to feel heard and more connected over time . An atmosphere of acceptance will build up and the couple will begin to abandon their “culture of conflict”.
Staying balanced in the relationship
To remain in balance within our relationship there are two indispensable ingredients, which contribute equally to making us perceive that serenity of the couple that we often try to grasp without result:
- Interact positively with your partner
- Having spaces to dedicate to yourself
Increase positive interactions
According to many theorists, including Jhon Gottman, what is really essential is that every conflict is offset by at least 5 positive exchanges between partners.
What really matters is therefore the partners’ ability to have positive interactions, to exchange words of admiration and support, looks of understanding and compassion and gestures that make them feel connected .
Giving positive feedback to the partner at least once a day and spending an evening, half day together by choosing an activity to do together alone can be a good way to increase the well-being of the couple.
Personal space: let’s not forget it
Obtaining personal spaces within a relationship is not a simple concept: it can become an attempt to escape from conflict (avoidance) or it can be interpreted as a clear sign of disinterest, detachment and self-centeredness.
As reported at the beginning of this article, the couple creates a “dance” of needs that tend towards balance. Precisely in order not to interrupt the harmony of this dance it is essential to never forget that we are “single” as well as “single in couple”.
Everyone needs an autonomous , intimate space , a moment of connection with himself and with his own identity.
Being aware of it, recognizing its importance and expressing it to the partner in a compassionate way are the necessary ingredients so that we can meet our need, without misunderstandings.
