In recent weeks our life has undergone a sudden change. In Italy, as in the whole world, the coronavirus epidemic broke out and nothing has been the same, especially since the latest decree law, which requires travel reduced to a minimum and possible only for “indifferent reasons”.
In this time of #iorestoacasa each couple finds themselves experiencing different challenges. Our need to feel safe, to receive care and protection, to want to feel close and connected in this moment of coronavirus emergency is certainly very high.
Staying under one roof in quarantine is also a chance to be supportive for each other and is an opportunity to heal the relationship . However, every family system is put to the test by this forced coexistence, where we are “forced” to spend a lot of time together, locked in the house. In addition to being an opportunity to rediscover new ways of being together, tensions can emerge or pre-existing conflicts can be exacerbated .
Psychological health in an emergency situation
The emergency situation due to the COVID-19 pandemic puts our psychological health in crisis . Concerns and uncertainty increase with the daily updating of data on the contagion and lethality of the virus. The patterns of our lives have been broken and we have been forced to confront our family relationships.
We found ourselves having to listen more ; we are forced to live our condition to the full, without any avoidance. Fear, anguish , uncertainty make us feel helpless and this feeling can turn into anger . It is easy for situations of aggression to occur and psychological frailties to be highlighted.
On the other hand, it can also happen that families put their own resources on the line because in difficult moments we unite and problems could come up later once the emergency is over.
We know from the experience of China that there has been a considerable increase in reports of domestic violence and an increase in divorce applications. It does not seem that this is simply due to the lockdown and the fact that the relevant offices have been closed for a long time. Experts argue it is not a coincidence, but the effect of forced coexistence .
Covid-19 and the forced choice of couple separation
The provisions that led to the restriction of movement and the possibility of traveling have resulted in a high number of couples who will not be able to reunite for a long time . A type of separation that has as an element of novelty the fact that there is no choice but a constraint that comes from outside.
The members of these couples find themselves having to tolerate a distance from each other and this can lead to various consequences, also deriving from how a couple lives the relationship.
Social distancing slows down the spread of the virus, but it also forces us to repress or modify our need for closeness and relationship , it leads us to reconceptualize our sexual life as well.
A separation may not have particular effects within a couple and in some circumstances it could even give the opportunity to verify and rethink one’s way of being with the other. There is no doubt that the length of the separation will be decisive.
Technological means and physical distance
The greater use of technology and video call systems could become a contact and a vehicle to ensure that the couple is still able to process the experiences related to distance. They can be a valuable tool to keep the relationship alive .
Maintaining contacts through the technological means of communication allows you to safeguard the relationship from the discomfort caused by this situation.
Certainly the physical distance and the inability to fully relate to a loved one can generate difficulties and suffering, but it is important to think that the situation is temporary. Lost time can be recovered and appreciated further .
It is important not to stop planning together despite the distance and to maintain habits by continuing to share our days.
The health emergency due to the coronavirus is a new and unusual occurrence. Like all things we are not prepared for, reactions can be difficult to adapt, of anxiety and fear. We must consider that there are couples who do not live together and therefore find themselves facing in this delicate moment also the impossibility of seeing each other again for an unspecified time.
The impact of forced separation on the couple
A separation is always a difficult event, to which everyone reacts with the tools they possess and based on their history. But it’s not so much the objective distance as the impact the separation has on that specific couple.
For stable, solid couples with a good level of personal autonomy, adaptation is possible . For more unstable couples, or couples who have recently formed, or especially where the bond is predominantly symbiotic, the situation can instead become difficult.
In these cases, the coronavirus emergency, like all stressful and traumatic events, is actually only revealing pre-existing dynamics.
Unlike the couple who lives at a distance often for a conscious choice due to work, for example, and therefore has somehow elaborated resources for this situation, here the separation is suffered, it is not chosen.
Focus on the positive aspects of forced separation
We will have to welcome this separation by also evaluating the possible positive aspects. It can be a new and not useless experience, which can help us to rely more on ourselves, to see things from another perspective and it could be an opportunity to tackle problems overlooked over time.
By staying away for some time, greater personal autonomy can be recovered , desire can be reactivated and the entire relationship of the couple can be re-evaluated.
On the other hand, separation can lead to resentments and resentments or personalities can be fragile and too dependent to tolerate separation. Or, simply, an occasional and unwanted separation becomes the occasion for a decision to permanently distance themselves from the partner.
However, it is advisable to postpone important choices about the relationship after the emergency is over , once we can reunite and have had time to reflect on real feelings.
Some tips on how to manage life as a couple during isolation
These are difficult and slow days of waiting, worry and deprivation. The coronavirus has put a strain on intimacy and affectivity. The quarantine can have side effects on the balance of couples.
A forced coexistence could facilitate frequent quarrels, up to a sort of psycho-physical intolerance or saturation. Shared environments – not everyone has large houses and spaces that can be divided according to things to do or the need for solitude – become generators of tension and anxiety.
Suggestions are highlighted below that can help us face this delicate period with greater awareness and with new tools.
Establish a routine
It is important to organize your day with activities regulated by schedules and to continue dressing every day taking care of our appearance. It is necessary to rebuild a life similar to the one we had before the quarantine.
Preserve a private space
To keep the couple relationship strong, it is important to carve out an individual space in which to dedicate oneself to self-care, physical activity, one’s passions or whatever we like.
The important thing is that it is a completely private place and moment. A new situation has arisen within the couple with children with closed schools and the sharing of spaces and the co-presence of all family members. The need arises to establish divisions and borders.
Distribution of new tasks
A clear division of duties helps organize the day, but with the new family arrangements related to quarantine, roles and what each member will do can also change.
It is a time where we all get involved with a new sense of responsibility . All family members should try to be flexible and ready to take on different and in some cases new tasks than before the isolation.
Increase tolerance
During the moments of discussion, which can easily arise in a condition of forced isolation, the advice is not to persevere in the conflict to avoid reaching an escalation of anger. The partner most inclined to reconciliation must learn to defuse the fight with a little lightness.
Cultivating play spaces
In this period it is important to increase the playful spaces and shared pleasure . It is nice to rediscover fun companions and dedicate ourselves to those things we never had the time to do, sharing passions and moments of creativity.
Sharing emotional experiences
It is important to share your emotions with your partner. This moment can be a good opportunity to deepen or recover an interaction to which we did not dedicate enough attention, overwhelmed by the commitments of everyday work.
Take care of other social relationships
It is very important to continue interacting through the phone and social networks, even if at a distance, with friends and relatives. To share their emotions, but also to recognize themselves in the problems of others and feel less alone.
Ask for professional help
Finally, if there should be moments of discomfort and difficulties characterized by particular discomfort, anxiety and depression , you can ask for help from an online psychotherapist. There are many, just to be close to those who need it while remaining physically at a distance.
Coronavirus: how to stick together during the quarantine
Since the pandemic exploded we have started to be really afraid: fear of getting sick, fear of our health system collapsing, fear of the crisis.
Thus, the first restrictions arrived and the closure of schools, universities, various commercial activities (if not strictly necessary), smart working.
We all experience a claustrophobic feeling that requires good organization. Suddenly we found ourselves forced to share often small space and an extended time.
In a society founded on productivity and unbridled consumption, in which we all run for most of the day after a thousand commitments, without holidays, at any moment, the stop arrives.
We are immersed in a worldwide phenomenon, a pandemic that makes us all equal, all distant, all united by the single goal of protecting ourselves. In fact, the coronavirus has momentarily changed our daily life. It made our routine different and forced us to make small, big sacrifices, to safeguard the collective good and not cause the collapse of the social and health system.
Accepting the vulnerability and need of others
Spending a lot of time indoors puts us inexorably in touch with our vulnerabilities and is a condition that is difficult to bear. Furthermore, the daily disengagement from our activities, work or leisure, has shifted the focus on ourselves.
One of the aspects that most emerges in this emergency is the fact of unexpectedly finding oneself in front of something that is unknown and above all cannot be foreseen. All this leads each of us to reflect also on the issue of addiction , of how much we are actually linked to those close to us.
The coronavirus brings us to a situation where our possible feeling of omnipotence is questioned: we cannot move forward without the help of others .
In this emergency, an important form of social support has developed which is solidarity, that is the ability to feel connected to each other : we have a common goal and we move together to achieve it.
The coronavirus affects our present, but also our future, this is pushing us towards a process of accepting vulnerability .
Turn this moment into an opportunity
At this point it becomes extremely important to have a clear definition of what we want . We must write down goals and things that we believe are important to you and that perhaps driven by a prolonged routine over time and by various external commitments we have neglected.
Likewise, it can do us good to write down everything we intend to do once the quarantine is over.
We must focus on what we want to do, in this way creative thinking is stimulated and we must learn to perceive this moment as an opportunity.
We are forced to stay at home all our time, perhaps having to reorganize ourselves into smart-working, while previously we spent part of it at home and had a personal space.
It is therefore necessary to learn to live together in the home environment . There are common spaces, where activities can be shared, but there must also be personal spaces that in this period must assume an inviolable identity for the other family members.
Sharing is also communication, in this situation stress can lead us to be more pretentious and this can contribute to destabilizing the balance of the family environment.
For this reason, it is also essential to learn to communicate our needs with assertiveness and not aggression in order to put the other in a position to understand us and possibly meet us.
Families where the climate is good can become even more solid nuclei. The situation is different if the relationships are already worn out. If relationships are dysfunctional, it may be necessary to seek individual and / or couple support that can help to process this period of uncertainty and forced coexistence which can also lead to mutual intolerance.
