One of the biggest problems between a couple is the question of insecurity. It is a feeling that seems harmless, but it can destroy an apparently solid relationship. Think about it: how many times have you let your doubts, insecurities and suspicions push you to say or do things that you later regret? In today’s text I will talk about how insecurity can destroy you and your relationship and how we can overcome it.
In today’s text we will talk about:
- 1. What you need to know about insecurity
- 2. Where does it come from?
- 3. Seeing a problem where it doesn’t exist
- 4. Signs that insecurity is destroying your relationship
- 5. It’s not your fault
- 6. Insecurity can destroy you
- 7. Tips for dealing with insecurity
1. What you need to know about insecurity
Insecurity is an inner feeling of being threatened and / or inadequate in some way. We all feel it at one time or another. But while it is quite normal to have feelings of distrust about ourselves from time to time, chronic insecurity can sabotage your success in life and can be particularly damaging to your intimate relationships.
Chronic insecurity robs you of peace and prevents you from getting involved with your partner in a relaxed and authentic way. The actions that come from insecurity – always asking for attention, feeling jealous and making accusations – can end relationships.
2. Where does it come from?
The feeling can start early in life with an insecure attachment to your parents, or it can develop after being hurt or rejected by someone you care about. Insecurities are maintained and built when you compare yourself negatively with other people and judge yourself with a critical internal dialogue. Most relationship insecurity is based on irrational thoughts and fears – that you are not good enough, that you will not be well without a partner, that you will never find someone better, that you are not truly adorable.
3. Seeing a problem where it doesn’t exist
When we look forward to anything, we start looking for signs that things are “going wrong”. A person who is afraid of flying, for example, when he enters an aircraft, looks for signs of problems in flight. And, of course, we usually find what we’re looking for, even if it’s not really there. The problem is in our imagination. Have you ever heard the expression “look for egg”? This is exactly what happens to insecure people.
We are constantly asking internal questions: “Why did he say that? Who is this other person that he mentioned? Should I feel threatened? He’s inattentive ”. This is all tiring. We often feel inadequate, thinking that we are not “good enough” to be with our partner. We cannot understand how anyone can be interested in us.
4. Signs that insecurity is destroying your relationship
Jealousy and suspicion
Insecurity can make you see problems where they don’t exist, leading to suspicions that your partner is involved in illegal activities. In reality, your partner is often doing nothing to justify suspicions.
Old security needs
Insecurity can make you anxious and cause you to constantly ask your partner to reassure you of your love and devotion. In that case, making sure things are okay is key.
Your partner needs the freedom to be and do things on his own, but he can’t because you demand that you always know where he is and what he is doing. This may be due to your need to control all aspects of the relationship.
Luggage from the past
Insecurity can make you see visions of the past superimposed on the reality of the present. If you have been hurt in the past, it is normal to have some fears, but remember that your current partner is not your ex.
5. It’s not your fault
So far, we’ve focused on how insecure you feel and pointed out how most of the time your insecurities are just an invention of your imagination. However, insecurity does not appear overnight. It is a consequence of small signs that you will perceive slowly, throughout the relationship: a response crossed here, a different way of looking at you there, a strange impatience that did not exist before …
6. Insecurity can destroy you
Did you dress up in a special way, spent a long time producing yourself and he, who always praised you, doesn’t even seem to have noticed? The day started some time ago for him and the traditional “good morning” message still hasn’t arrived on his cell phone? Did that passionate kiss and that look of admiration that rolled every time he saw you give way to a dull and unwilling kiss? I know that here you already called your warning sign and that unbearable question decided to pay you a visit: “does he have another one?”. These internal questions hurt and insecurity can destroy you.
Before thinking about any nonsense, think that the relationship may just have fallen into the routine. It may be that he still loves you as much as he did at the beginning of the relationship. It may be that, for him, everything is going well and that these problems that you think you are experiencing are just things in your head.
7. Tips for dealing with insecurity
Determine the cause
Not all insecurity is unjustified. Objectively examine your partner’s behavior. Is he sincere? Does it meet your basic needs? Does he seem concerned about your feelings?
If you are not getting what you need in your relationship, your insecurity may be someone else’s problem, not yours. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a frank conversation with him about it. If your partner refuses to meet reasonable emotional needs, you may end the relationship or find other ways to meet your needs, perhaps by engaging in a hobby, expanding your circle of friends, or finding satisfaction in your work.
Negotiate relationship rules
Talk to your partner about how you want your relationship to work and how each of you can meet their needs. You can, for example, agree that you need a lot of verbal tranquility, while your partner benefits more from favors and pleasant gestures.
When insecurity is a chronic problem, you should talk openly and honestly about it so that your partner knows that you may need extra security.
Avoid mind reading
There are no two people who think exactly the same way, and what can mean absolute rejection for you, can be just an oversight of your partner.
“Mind reading” can contribute to insecurity when you make assumptions about your partner’s thoughts instead of asking him or her about them. If you are feeling insecure about something, express it to your partner and ask for clarification.
Any relationship, no matter how many problems it has, can seem perfect to anyone who looks outside. Do not compare your relationship with that of others and avoid comparing your current partner with your ex.
It is easy to find your partner’s weaknesses and assume that he doesn’t love you, and when you compare relationships, you are much less likely to compare your partner’s positive traits with other people’s negative traits.
Look for the bright side
If you are convinced that your partner does not love you, you begin to see signs everywhere, but when you seek confirmation of the positive aspects of your relationship, you are also more likely to find them. Focus on your partner’s positive characteristics and interpret ambiguous statements and actions as positively as possible. In some cases, this may be all it takes to get through this phase of insecurity.
Stop thinking it’s all about you
If your partner doesn’t feel like going out, don’t assume it’s because of you. He may have had a really bad day at work and it drained his energy. Stop psychologically analyzing all the word choices your partner makes and be more present in the moment so that you can notice the message behind your tone, body language and posture. Don’t reject your partner for being too quiet, or asking, “What are you thinking about?” During each lapse of conversation. An impetuous desire to fill every second of silence with unnecessary words is a habit for an insecure person. Enjoy the silence with him. Who says you can’t just enjoy being with each other without words?
Research shows that people with greater insecurity in the relationship tend to have lower self-esteem . When your well-being depends on someone else, you give them all your power. A healthy partner doesn’t want to carry that kind of load and can push you away. Feeling good about who you are, it’s a victory for the relationship. Insecurity can destroy you, but having confidence in yourself is an attractive quality that makes your partner want to be closer to you.
Keep your independence
A healthy relationship is made up of two healthy people. Maintaining your sense of self-identity and taking care of your needs are the keys to maintaining a healthy balance in a relationship. When you are not dependent on your relationship to fulfill all your needs, you feel more secure with your life. Being an independent person who lives outside the relationship also makes you a more interesting and attractive partner.
Feeling safe in a relationship depends on trusting the other person and, most importantly, learning to trust yourself. Trust to know that, no matter what the other person does, you will take care of yourself. Trust yourself to ensure your needs are met and trust yourself and you will not lose your sense of self-identity. When you trust yourself, feeling safe is almost a guarantee. If finding that kind of confidence in yourself seems very difficult on your own, you may want to work with a professional who can help you learn how to do this.
Time to put it into practice
As we said in the other topic, insecurity can destroy you, so try to trust your partner and learn to have confidence in yourself and your unique qualities. Learn to believe and value yourself, trust everything. Don’t try to be controlling, get out of the way and allow things to work without you trying to control everything, including your partner. Do not allow your own relationship, insecurity and doubts to end a perfectly good and healthy relationship.
Change your life, be a happy and well resolved woman
Making changes in our lives is not always an easy process, so sometimes help is needed. Thinking about the situation of many women who have problems in relationships and personal life, I created the Women’s Week Well Solved.