As a couple therapist, I have over the years worked with many couples who want to move on together after infidelity.
The following text is intended as inspiration and is not a “roadmap” for the only way to move forward after infidelity. But as inspiration for you who, in addition to going into therapy, want knowledge and want influence in terms of creating an overview again. For overview is a shortage in the first phase, after the infidelity is recognized – and despite the pain, you want to move on.
When I refer to the concept of infidelity in the following text, I define it as one of the parties to the relationship having had a sexual affair with a third party. For a period. In addition to containing sets, this affair also included contact by telephone as well as written contact.
The conditions where there has been a “one night” stand are of a different nature, and the following inspiration will be too excessive.
When processing “One night stand”, you can contact me for help, because here the pain is different and can be handled faster.
The 3 Phases.
- Shock
- The pain and the immersion
- New orientation
There is always a story that precedes the shock
The shock that occurs and pulls long swells when one’s partner comes and says or is revealed to have been unfaithful. Too many times you intuitively know that something has gone wrong. The partner has been absent, has started to go more up in his appearance, the phone that has previously been in front is now a very private property, there is more overtime or more times where the partner needs something outside the home, and the feeling of belonging together is well and thoroughly worn. AND then the bomb explodes.
Many describe it as their world falling apart.
In the shock phase, people cry, regret it, and when you have recovered a little and started both individual and couple therapy, the questions come. Why did you do that? Who is the third party?
In this phase, it is essential to focus on constructive dialogues. Once the first shitballs are given, one will have to truth that the situation needs to be talked about properly. The dialogues must be used to shed light on the situation. Many people need to know what has gone on to be able to process it, but there is a tendency for the same questions to be asked over and over again. Like the lack of overview and the chaotic feelings means that you rarely think clearly and ask many questions, the answers of which you never forget and which can torment for years.
What is worth remembering is that the injured party has also made a choice. To be. And therefore also has a part in that you have come here and must help to create the culture where you approach each other.
No one can stand talking all the time. No one can stand to immerse themselves all the time. Make sure to prioritize extra time for your conversations. And at the same time make sure to have regular weekdays. Where you cook together, read homework with the children, tidy up the garden, etc. The wound needs to be cleansed and it all feels like a doom. But it’s a transition. You are still here. And stay focused on the familiar, namely the weekdays.
Get the help of a couple therapist so that light is shed on how it could go so wrong and that the party who has exceeded moral boundaries gets clarified what it is in him and her legalized a behavior that notoriously brings pain with it.
When the next phase is underway, one begins to be able to look a little forward again.
One’s relationship is in an open phase, where the road is created while walking, and where pretty much everything has been up for revision. You can be a little tired after the shock phase, and you have to start orienting yourself towards some activities that give calm and make sense. Like joint activities. Whether it’s making a bright spot every 14 days, – whether it’s going for an evening walk a few times a week, whether it’s taking a weekend break every 8 weekends, or starting to read the same books, every couple finds out. But there is something that needs to come in. Not as a substitute, but as a sign that you as a couple have learned something. Has captured that “action brings transformation”.
And still one is not over that there is a shadow in the relationship. Sometimes great jealousy or great despair can come up, and here it is important to understand that what you have to pull out of the affair is that you have to be good at sharing your feelings with each other. What is different, however, is that in this phase you must focus on being able to talk about your feelings, without having to squint and talk about infidelity again.
Simply put:
- You get better at talking about “I’m angry”, “I’m scared”, “I’m sorry”, I’m confused, etc., without mentioning the back catalog. In this phase, I also think that it is important to start talking about eroticism and intimacy and about the dreams and ideas, desires and longings you have. It is no secret that sex in many relationships can become a little too familiar and predictable, and you can with advantage orient yourself towards getting to know each other better in this area as well.
Many say they have more sex than ever before. And others say that precisely intimacy and sex are hard to get started on.
If you belong to the last group, go away. Completely away from everyday life on a mini vacation and unplug and find each other again. You have decided to move on together. And to get on together is to get closer to each other.
The pain and immersion are frequent, but not as chaotic to a guest as in the shock phase. The injured party is probably strengthening themselves here, because it is different whether you are affected by self-esteem, soul or pride, but no matter where you are affected, you must be built up.
You will find that many films about infidelity and affairs are spoken and written and shown. It is the case that what you focus on is suddenly everywhere. You are so open and vulnerable that everything from time to time is overwhelming, so hold each other a little and remember the good days.
New orientation. This can seem overwhelming to some, but can also help to provide peace of mind
When a year has passed since the infidelity, and you have been through the shock and immersion phase, you are on. Now a year has passed where there have been situations that had to be lived through. Maybe a Christmas lunch, a wedding, etc., and now life needs to be normalized again. In such a way that you would like to have learned to be emotionally and erotically open to each other, and in such a way that you can now draw a line in the sand and know that We moved on. Close the chapter with the affair and see yourself as architects instead of archaeologists in your life.
Having gone through a crisis the same, makes strong and binds.
So now life is much more yours. You know yourself and each other better and would probably have introduced routines with bright spots, talking moments, better vacations.
You are now going to be social again. Many pupate a little. But now you have to get out of the house a little. Not long nights, where you get drunk at the city pubs, but good times where you are seen and work as a couple, can take the first and the last dance and also through that have experiences together.
Couple therapy is necessary for most people through all the phases.
Be sure to find an experienced couples therapist who has experience dealing with infidelity. You must both grow and thrive and it is safe to know that there is a knowledgeable, knowledgeable and inclusive person who can guide you a long way.
