Love Languages.We talk about the languages in which love is expressed.A friend tells you that she is going to end her relationship, since her partner “does not treat her as she should.” It is about that friend of yours that her partner does not stop taking her on a trip despite earning little money. You die of envy of the photos that are uploaded to your facebook , because you like to travel a lot; You haven’t even been to the Alhambra in Granada with your boyfriend .
Your friend, however, is dying of envy of your relationship, since your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic, and according to you: “a cloying person who talks a lot but recently”; of what you translate, that he will not love you so much.
The 5 languages of love/5 Love Languages: which one is yours?
Often in the private sphere, people comment on the various problems that we experience as a couple . Some problems are more noticeable (such as discussions in decision-making, non-shared individual hobbies, etc.) than others, which go more unnoticed. This is the case of the type of problem that we are going to expose below.
The 5 languages of love: modal preferences to show and receive love
According to Chapman (2009), there are 5 love languages . These can be very important for the relationship to improve substantially, not only as a couple, but between friends, colleagues or family. Chapman emphasizes that each person tends to express their love and prefers to receive it in concrete ways. It is interesting to know what types of love exist . You can check it at:
Below we explain the five modalities or languages of love:/5 Love Languages: which one is yours?
1. Words
We express affection by verbalizing words of encouragement, support, affection, congratulations, praise, kindness, or humility towards another. They are words that are sometimes said without thinking and have a very positive effect on the other person; increasing your self-esteem, your security and your well-being. “Almost all of us remember fleeting words that (…) marked our lives.”
It is recommended to use direct, simple and forceful phrases: “I love you very much, really”; “I love when you explain things to me so well.” But above all, it is important that it is credible to the person who receives it and for this it is essential that the person who transmits it really feels it ( body language , appropriate context).
2. Quality time
We live in a society of rush that, together with the false needs created by the market (having the best car, trip, house, etc.) makes us forget what quality time really means . Sharing quality time is not so much the act (a good dinner in an expensive restaurant), but the enjoyment of it by sharing it with our loved ones; listening and being listened to, without rushing or other distractions. There is no other goal for the person, other than to share that time with the person they love.
3. Gifts
The meaning of the gift seems to have lost value in a consumer society: “The more and more expensive gifts the better,” it tells us, regardless of their need or utility. But many of you will agree that there are gifts that express a lot of love and affection for being made by the person himself or bought effort.
For this reason, for some people this type of gift symbolizes a very beautiful expression of love; whoever gives her has been working hard and thinking about her for a long time. On the other hand, whoever is working on making or obtaining that gift, enjoys from the moment they have the idea, until after having given the gift to the other, without waiting for more than their smile .
4. Acts of service
Trying to please the person by serving them or doing favors for certain people is rewarding for them. Cooking, cleaning, fixing things, taking care of the heaviest tasks or traveling to distant places, are acts that they perform meticulously and with a smile on their face, without expecting you to return the favor or an immediate compensatory response. “It is not a need or an obligation, but something that is done generously to help the other.”
5. Physical contact
It is the simplest and most direct form of communication . Hugging, kissing, caressing, touching, having sex; they are ways of transmitting and receiving love from the couple. For some people, physical contact is their main language, they feel security and happiness through it; and without it they do not feel loved. “It can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.”
Share the way of loving
It is common for the couple who come to the consultation verbalizing that they did not receive any love from the other (Punset, 2010). Knowing, identifying and sharing the different ways of loving is a great help; It gives us a plus for communication as a couple. Obviously, there are multiple strategies and tasks to improve relationships, since the field of Couples Therapy is very broad. The 5 languages of love is one of them. Once visualized, they may seem obvious, but if we think for a moment, we rarely tell the other person which one we prefer. Nobody is a fortune teller, and to ignore that the other knows it, is a very frequent mistake between couples.
Each person has preferences for expressing one or more types of languages that may or may not coincide with the reception preference. If they do not show us love through our preferred language, we may not feel loved (Punset; 2010). Thus, to make these concepts useful, I suggest you meditate on them and discuss them with your partner, friends, colleagues or family (as it can also be a useful tool for those close to you):
- Know the 5 languages of love: Physical contact; Quality time; Gifts; Acts of service; and Words. (Explained above).
- Identify them in ourselves: What is the way in which I prefer to receive love? And what is the way I prefer or usually express affection? It may be difficult to answer these questions, as well as to identify just one (there can be two). To do this, we must remember the intensity and duration of the emotion we feel when we receive the different expressions of affection, and the ease or frequency with which we perform these.
- Share them: Once identified, it will be useful when you expose them to your partner; If you have any doubts at the time you solve them (the more it is specified the better, remember that nothing should be taken for granted); and that the other party, also expose you their preferences.
- Put them into practice. This section seems easy, however, it can go wrong. So you have to be patient. Each person develops in a context and gets used to it (families where hugging is a daily ritual vs families where the members never hug). What we see as normal is not so normal for others and changing habits sometimes costs a lot. Therefore, you have to be patient during the change; positively reinforce the effort of the other when performing the desired act; and if you are ignoring or not doing it as we want, explain it again (in a different way, through examples, etc).
Finally, reflect that every healthy person has the capacity to express the five types of love , and that to a greater or lesser extent we express all or almost all. Elsa Punset (2010) defends in her book that: “if we accustom our children to give and receive love from all languages, tomorrow they will be able to communicate freely in all of them”.
