One of the most common questions that people who write to me in private ask me is “ How can I get my ex back? “.
Let’s start by saying that regaining is something that should never, ever go through your head if you care about yourself and that, despite the belief that it is for love that you create in your head, the reality is that the very desire to regain a person with whom it is already finished is due solely and exclusively to your ego .
My advice is always the same: forget it, go ahead, find someone else .
But this, of course, is never enough because when a person enters the obsessive circle of reconquest he never hears reasons: he wants that and that only (which should make it very clear how this desire is purely obsessive and selfish .. but let’s leave it out).
Denying this desire, unfortunately, leads people to obsess even more and, in most cases, the consequences are extremely harmful to the lives of individuals so … in the end the best thing to do is to accept this obsession and the fact that only by satisfying it does it then become possible to “ go on ” and consequently provide the necessary indications for reconquest.
So in this article we talk about just that: how to win back the ex .
And no, there is no method that can ever give you 100% chance of succeeding: it does not exist on love today and it does not even exist when other people tell you it exists, perhaps selling you this method for a few hundred euros! What you can do is maximize your chances of succeeding.
So let’s go to increase them.
Ready?
3… 2… 1… go!
WHY DO RELATIONSHIPS END?
Assuming that the desire to reconquer practically always arises only in those who are left and not in those who leave a relationship, it can end up for several reasons:
- There has never really been love: in this case you can’t do anything about it.
- Initially you lied about who you really are: to conquer someone many of us tend to hide the negative sides and to pretend passions and interests that we don’t really have. Then when the play ends inevitably … the relationship falls apart.
- Quarrels and arguments have made the relationship toxic.
- You have canceled yourself and your life in favor of your partner: in doing so, you have lost value in his eyes.
MOST RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE A COMPANY NEGOTIATION
We assume that if there is really love within a relationship, that relationship never ends, period. With this fact firmly in mind, we can therefore divide relationships into two types:
- relationships based on love: which arise and form naturally, almost without commitment. This is the kind of relationship I aim for if you follow love advice today.
- relationships based on desire: whether it is sexual or of conquest it does not matter, the fact is that these relationships require a certain commitment to conquer to be born and, ” conquest ” means being able to please the person with whom we want to establish the relationship. It matters little whether the effort was yours or the counterpart’s.
The reconquest of the ex is only necessary in the second type of relationship .
If we analyze this type of relationship clearly, we will discover that there are many similarities with a company negotiation aimed at signing an agreement.
- there are two sides and one decides that he wants something on the other, just like when you see someone you like on the street and you start wanting it.
- those who want something do everything to increase their bargaining power so that the counterpart perceives a high value in the deal that is proposed, just like when you do everything to impress and look good to the person you want to conquer.
- if your bargaining power (a term well known to economics students) rises enough, the counterpart will decide that it is ” advantageous ” to establish a relationship with you, just as a person decides to date you following your commitment to conquer.
Returning to the reasons why a relationship ends it should be clear that:
- lying to impress = increasing one’s bargaining power. When your true personality comes out, your contractual value collapses to zero and the relationship ends as no longer ” advantageous “.
- As a result of arguments and arguments, your value as a person in the eyes of the partner dropsdramatically and the relationship ends.
- If you have canceled yourselffor the partner and / or the relationship then your bargaining power is, again, zero and the relationship ends.
If you want to increase your chances of winning back your ex then, you need to find a way to increase your bargaining power again and, believe it or not, as much as we all like to think that our situation is unique and unrepeatable steps of the reconquest can be schematized in a universal scheme useful in ALL situations regardless of how different you think they are.
HOW TO RECONQUER THE EX
WHAT NEVER DO
It is important to understand that it is impossible to convince another person that you are worth in a rational way ( especially if as a result of the relationship now over that one does not give you any value, even if in many cases he will lie telling you that you do ) so get rid of the desire to shower her with messages or try to talk to her to explain in words how much you have changed and why she should come back with you.
At the end of a relationship there are almost always a lot of negative feelings associated even only with the image of you that is created in his head: trying to force your presence in his life so not only is not helpful but, indeed, in the most of the cases it will make things worse as it will amplify the negative feelings you want to disappear by cutting your legs.
And if you are a woman … never go, and I repeat NEVER, to bed with a man to win him back .
If I were to go to bed, let it be after the relationship has already been rebuilt and it’s been a while.
WHAT TO DO
STEP ONE – DON’T SEARCH FOR THE CONTACT:
Give time to time . Time needs to decrease a lot of the negative feelings and emotions your ex has towards you.
It seems to me that Confucius is attributed the words: ” if you sit on the river bank and wait for sooner or later you’ll pass your enemy’s corpse “, and in the same way if you do nothing slowly negative emotions towards you will decrease and it will be easier to re-establish contact.
STEP TWO – LIVE:
Seems obvious, right? But the reality is that when you want to win someone back, the most important thing of all is to live for yourself.
If you reflect on what you’ve read so far the main reason it’s over is that your bargaining power, your value as a person, has collapsed miserably.
The only way you can get it up is to find yourself as a person : go out, have fun, follow your passions, hang out with friends and, why not, other people too.
By doing this you will be able to gradually increase your value as a person in the eyes of a bit of everyone, increasing your chances of being pleasing again even in the eyes of those who have downloaded you.
Alternatively you can spend your days mulling over plans after plans crying on yourself or maybe getting angry about how things went and, as soon as the other sees you, you will make him even more disgusting than you do now because you will turn out to be a person. weak, devoid of values and absolutely useless, unsuitable for a relationship.
Moreover, it is extremely important that all the activities you do make you genuinely happy: the performances hardly last long and if your life is not really passionate … it will not help you.
STEP THREE – FIND SIDEWAYS TO SHOW HIM YOUR LIFE:
Your ex must find himself as if in front of a window from which he can see what you do but which prevents him from doing it with you .
Whether they are photographs and stories on social networks, whether they are mutual friends who tell them what you do, it doesn’t matter.
The important thing is that in one way or another he has the possibility to see you … but without being able to touch you.
STEP FOUR – LIGHT CONTACT:
It must be clear that time has to pass .. if the relationship has ended badly, it may take 6 or more months. Otherwise I would say at least a minimum of 3.
The re-contact must be light and absolutely without references to the past relationship .
Even just a simple: “ hey, today this thing happened to me here and for some strange reason you came to mind, I hope everything is okay, bye! “That’s fine.
No questions about ” how are you “, nothing at all. Just a light contact without any pretense.
If the counterpart does not respond or responds ” cold “, then end contact again and go back to points 2 and 3 for a few days.
If, on the other hand, the other party responds in a cordial way, do not immediately throw yourself into long conversations : remember that you have your own life to live so take your time to respond by spreading the conversation even on different days.
STEP FIVE – HEAVY RE-CONTACT:
If the conversation is going well enough and on the other hand you feel tranquility and pleasure to chat then you can move on to a slightly heavier re-contact and, by heavier, I mean telephone conversations and not more ( unless a meeting is proposed from the counterpart ).
Your conversations should continue to be light and, possibly with a few laughs: no references to your past relationship, no negative emotions. Tell yourself what you are up to and the fun experiences of your life, make him feel that you are happy without him.
A little ” malice ” that can make things much easier is the ability to interrupt the conversation at a ” high ” point , leaving him a little dumbfounded.
For example: maybe you have been talking for a couple of minutes and the conversation is pleasant. Make a joke, he ( she ) laughs… that is the perfect moment to end the conversation with a “ listen now I have to go, I will be heard as soon as I can ” and close.
In this way the counterpart remains ” dissatisfied ” as the positive emotions he felt are abruptly interrupted and the desire to try them again will increase .
STEP SIX – DISAPPEARANCE:
Everything is going well? are you having fun chatting? maybe that’s where he looks for you sometimes?
It’s time to disappear . Totally. No messages, no phone calls, no photos on social media , nothing at all.
For him you have to become a kind of ghost so that he is forced to wonder what happened to you.
If during this disappearance he begins to look for you with a minimum of insistence then it means that the time has come to organize an outing and maybe try to rebuild a relationship.
If it doesn’t look for you .. then you will have to start all over again starting from point two.
CONCLUSIONS
First let me repeat what I said at the beginning: if the relationship is over there is a reason, wanting to rebuild it is pure pride and the best thing you can do is let it go and focus on living your life for yourself, maybe finding someone better that I don’t have to end up with.
If, on the other hand, you really can’t free yourself from your obsession with reconquest, then follow this lineup in detail: however much you may think that your situation is different from the others … the lineup does not change as it is based on the emotions that lead to the breakup and that they are practically always identical ( except in cases where the other did not love you or really felt nothing for you from the start ).
If you have problems with the timing instead … know that there are no “precise” timing … but to help you I can tell you that it generally takes from 3 to 6 months before you can try again a light contact.
The light contact should last from 2 to 4 weeks.
Heavy re-contact should last no more than 1 week.
The disappearance should last at least 2 weeks.
You must also take into account that you will be engaging in behaviors that are fully part of manipulative behavior .
My sincere wish is that the ” side effects ” of this lineup will be felt well before the reconquest and that, by living your life, you understand how useless this desire is and how well you can be alone or with someone. other.
