Some people, especially older generations, cope with grief by “feigning strength,” such as bereavement or the loss of a loved one. This American case involves a son who couldn’t understand why his mother acted as if nothing had happened after his father’s death… and thus sought help from the organization where the author works. How can adult children support their parents through grief and alleviate their emotional distress?
Perhaps you have relatives or friends like this: they lose a loved one, but act as if nothing has happened, without shedding tears, and continue with their normal routine.
Our client, Sid, was completely baffled: his father had been gone for three weeks, and his mother, Sarah, hadn’t shed a single tear. She calmly and efficiently handled her husband’s belongings, eager to leave the home she’d lived in for sixty years and move to a nursing home. Sid couldn’t understand his mother’s reaction. Worse still, her dependence on her son grew stronger, and nothing Sid did was enough. Furthermore, she constantly criticized his wife and children, speaking ill of them behind their backs.
Sid revealed some of his mother’s background. When he was young, his father abandoned the family, and his mother became intensely dependent on her daughter, clinging to her tightly. Sarah had confided to her son that she married his father to escape her mother. In Sid’s eyes, his mother was very similar to his grandmother—both critical and stubborn. Growing up, his mother’s attitude towards him and his father was inconsistent; one moment she would say Sid was very well-behaved, the next she would say he was terrible, entirely depending on her mood.
After starting college, he finally escaped that situation. After getting married, his mother disliked his wife intensely, constantly complaining, “How come she can’t do anything right?” So Sid tried to keep his distance from his mother until his father passed away from cancer. Throughout this time, his mother never shed a tear or showed any reaction to this major event. Sid instinctively felt that his mother needed help accepting this new reality, so he came to us.
We arranged for an assistant social worker, Linda, to visit Sarah weekly to keep her company and help her with chores, such as doctor’s appointments and medication pickups. Linda used a family photo album to encourage Sarah to reminisce about the past, from her time as a school teacher to the decades she spent with her husband.
Sarah could not forgive her husband’s death. To her, it was tantamount to abandonment, just as her father had abandoned the family years before. Lacking the emotional skills to process grief as a child, Sarah was trapped in a state of inability to cope with any separation. Most people experiencing the pain of bereavement would move on, accept the reality, and continue living. But Sarah couldn’t; she couldn’t do it alone.
Through her friendship with Linda and through photographs, Sarah has the opportunity to find the good times in her life to balance her dissatisfaction with her marriage.
We helped Sid understand the impact of his mother’s early experiences on his present situation. He stopped magnifying his mother’s criticisms as much as before, and no longer felt responsible for her happiness. Sid finally accepted his mother’s shortcomings.
This change is evident in his tolerant response when his mother nags.
Guiding parents to find an outlet for their emotions
When parents are in a similar situation to Sarah’s, and don’t exhibit the typical grief reaction, you might feel relieved that you don’t have to face a situation out of control. This might be true in the short term, but it will cause problems in the long run.
Suppressed grief can lead to depression, and suicidal thoughts may resurface months or even years later, on holidays or anniversaries. Sarah’s deep-seated sorrow manifested as anger, bitterness, and hostility, just as she had reacted to every loss she had experienced since childhood. In contrast, most people tend to experience physical discomfort and illness.
How to deal with this situation? Here are a few suggestions.
1. Try to understand your parents’ inability to grieve .inability to grieve is a significant aspect of Sarah’s lifelong struggles. People like her have built strong defense mechanisms to avoid the devastating impact of another loss. Understand that her inability to grieve doesn’t mean she lacks affection for her husband or harbors only resentment; quite the opposite, people like Sarah also experience love and dislike, but they don’t know how to reconcile these feelings within the same person. This conflict arises immediately when faced with the blow of loss.
2. Listen to your parents. If your mother tells you she feels depressed, it may mean that her grief is manifesting in this way. Don’t try to persuade her to get out of the gloom, like the daughter in the following conversation tried.
Mother: I really don’t want to face the morning.
Daughter: [Trying to persuade Mom to get out of her negative emotions] But you have a wonderful life! You have a warm home and two lovely grandchildren.
Mother: Yes, I know. But your father left me all alone, and I feel so lonely and sad.
Daughter: [Trying desperately to make Mom happy and to encourage her to be optimistic about life] Mom, if you could see a half-full glass of water as half-full instead of half-empty, you would feel much better.
Mother: I feel so tired.
The daughter saw her mother sinking into depression and tried to pull her out with optimism, but the result was a lose-lose situation: the daughter made no progress and felt deeply frustrated; the mother became even more exhausted and felt misunderstood.
This mother was simply expressing her grief in the only way she could. Clues could be gleaned from her words:
“Your dad left me all alone.”
“I’m so lonely.”
“I feel so tired.”
At first glance, these words seem to express nothing more than anger and resentment. However, considering the mother’s personality and character, it becomes clear that this is the only way she can express her feelings about losing her husband. Her grief is hidden beneath those physical and emotional complaints; this is how she feels about being widowed. The key is that if her daughter could remain silent while she expresses her emotions, allowing her mother to fully articulate her feelings, it would be best for both of them. Like in this example.
Mother: I really don’t want to face the morning.
Daughter: [As little as possible] I know.
Mother: Your father left me all alone, and I feel like I’m sick.
Daughter: [Still not talking much] Hmm.
Mother: [Starting to open up a bit] I think your father really wants to die, so he won’t have to do anything for me anymore. He’s always hated doing chores like shopping, he hates having to handle all sorts of things for me. I hope he’s satisfied. He won’t have to worry about me anymore!
Try to put yourself in the daughter’s shoes. She’s almost completely silent, just listening to her mother speak ill of her father. It’s easy to feel the urge to argue, but that would only make things worse. The best approach is to acknowledge the mother’s negative feelings towards her father, even though that’s difficult to do.
Mother: He doesn’t have to worry about me anymore!
Daughter: Yes, you’ve become a person.
Mother: [Sobbing] Thank goodness I have you.
Listening to your mother and acknowledging her emotions, including negative ones, doesn’t mean you agree with her or take her side, nor does it mean you’re being unfilial to your father. It simply means you’ve realized that the best way to support your mother is to avoid arguing, contradicting her, or trying to persuade her to pull herself out of her gloom.
Sometimes, looking back can help release grief. You can find some old photo albums and encourage your parents to talk about the past, the good and the bad, from their courtship to their married life, and about special occasions. Those outdated outfits and swimsuits might make you laugh, but more importantly, it can help your parents balance their positive and negative emotions.
For example, if your mother suddenly elevates her deceased sister to a pedestal, praising her to the skies, you can gently remind her of how unreasonable Aunt Eva can sometimes be.
If these activities don’t work immediately, try again later. If this is too stressful for you, consider finding someone else. Remember Sarah’s assistant social worker? Didn’t she guide her step by step to recall the past and rediscover joyful moments in her life? Compiling a “This is Your Life” scrapbook or assisting clients in recording oral histories are both good ways to help them reflect on their life’s achievements.
Encourage parents to be independent and involved, and empower them to stand on their own two feet. Those incapable of grieving often withdraw and become isolated, relying on their children or caregivers to make all their decisions. Sarah was a case in point. In such situations, it’s crucial to help the individual engage with reality, especially by enabling them to make their own decisions. Adult children can help by filtering the options beforehand, reducing them to two or three.
While caring for your parents, don’t forget to care for yourself. For example, if your parents become overly demanding and dependent on you due to grief, you need to set boundaries and know your limits. In the long run, this is best for both of you. Parents deeply grieving may also do things that make you resentful towards your siblings. If you understand that your mother cannot get along well with more than one child at a time, you can schedule time for yourselves to spend with her separately to avoid causing family discord.
