How can we provide support when accompanying someone who is grieving? The most common question is: how to comfort someone who has lost a loved one? While the intention to help is good, it often creates stress for the grieving person. Megan Devan, a grief therapist who has experienced the unexpected death of a partner, reminds grieving friends and family what they should and shouldn’t do.
While it’s important to delve into companionship during grief, we also need concrete actions to take when faced with the suffering of others. After all, we can’t just stand there radiating love (I mean, that’s good, but there are other things to do).
Even if it’s uncomfortable, the willingness to stay is already a great comfort.
The interaction between grieving individuals and support groups is like a complex dance: most people want to offer support but don’t want to be too intrusive; or they choose to say nothing for fear of making things worse. To avoid disrupting the connection, they prefer to maintain distance.
In a Guardian article, writer Giles Fraser called this phenomenon ” double loneliness .” Besides losing loved ones, grieving individuals also lose the connection and support of those around them. Out of fear of making things worse, people choose to disappear or fall silent when we need them most.
I would tell my friends that they have no chance of winning. If they call too often to check up on me, I feel suffocated; if they don’t call often enough, they think I’m being ignored. If we bump into each other at the supermarket and don’t say anything, I feel like I’m invisible; but if they want to talk to me about how I feel, I feel like my privacy is being violated.
Taking care of each other is difficult and can sometimes lead to chaos.
But importantly, remember that grieving people don’t need us to be perfect. If you don’t know how to start a conversation, it’s okay to say something like, “I don’t know what to say, and I know I can’t make things better,” or, “I want to give you space and privacy, but I’m also worried about you and want to know how you’re doing.”
Expressing your discomfort can actually make you feel more at ease in being there for others. Trying to hide it only makes things worse. From the perspective of someone who is grieving, being able to be with someone who is willing to be there even when they feel uncomfortable is already a great comfort.
If you’re unsure whether you should say something, don’t hesitate to ask. It’s okay to make a mistake. Your efforts will be noticed and appreciated.
When spending time with someone, please remember these “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”.
Typically, when I talk about witnessing and being there for others, people respond with, “Okay, sure, I can do that. But is there anything I absolutely have to avoid?”
I know you’ll want a guiding roadmap. We all appreciate concrete steps, especially when faced with such an abstract and daunting task as supporting a grieving person. Here are some key points:
× It shouldn’t be compared to sadness
Everyone experiences sadness in their life, but no one experiences the same sadness twice. While we may want to share our own experiences of sadness so that others know we understand, we don’t, and we never will. So even if our experiences are extremely similar, please resist the urge to connect based on your own.
○ Ask about the other person’s experience
We can build connection by showing curiosity about the other person’s experiences . If you’ve had similar experiences, you can let them know that you’ve also experienced the unbearable and unusual sadness. But just offer your general understanding, because we won’t know the path the other person has taken.
× It is wrong to verify facts, nor should it be corrected.
Especially in the early stages of grief, the grieving person’s sense of time and memory may be somewhat confused. They may get dates wrong, or what they remember may differ from what actually happened. We may have different perspectives on the relationships and sequence of events, but please resist the urge to challenge or correct the other person.
They should be allowed to have their own experiences.
It doesn’t matter who is “correct”.
×Suppressed
We might think that our friends’ sadness is disproportionate to their actual situation, so we might want to correct their perspective and make them more “realistic”.
○ The feelings of the grieving should be respected.
Remember, grief belongs to the one who grieves. Our opinion of their grief is irrelevant. Only the grieving can decide how badly they want to feel, just as we have the right to make decisions about our own lives.
×Shouldn’t be praised
When loved ones are grieving, we don’t need to remind them how smart, beautiful, capable, or kind they are. We don’t need to tell them how strong or brave they are. Grief is not a loss of faith.
○The grieving should be able to lean on each other with peace of mind.
Remembering the qualities you love and appreciate can help them through this time. Remind them that you’ll always be there for them, and that they can always lean on you if the grief becomes too overwhelming. Let them feel at ease feeling like a mess, without having to pretend to be brave in front of you.
× Shouldn’t be a cheerleader
When everything is dark, it’s okay to feel dark. Not every turn requires encouragement and light. Similarly, don’t encourage the grieving to be grateful for the good things they still have . Good and bad things coexist; they don’t cancel each other out.
○ Should be a mirror
Reflect the other person’s reality back to them. When they say, “Everything is terrible,” you can reply, “Yes, it really is terrible.” The effect will be amazing.
× We shouldn’t discuss the “future”
When a loved one is in pain, we want to talk about how wonderful the future will be. However, in that moment, the future doesn’t seem to matter at all.
○ We should stay in the present or listen to the past.
Stay in the present, or, if the other person wants to talk about the past, be there for them. Let them choose.
× This should not be promoted
“You should go dancing, dancing helps me a lot.” “Have you tried using essential oils to refresh yourself?” “Melatonin helps me fall asleep, you should try it.” When you find something helps you, you always want to extend that to others. Unfortunately, unless the other person specifically asks for your advice or information, frankly, your enthusiasm will only be offensive and give off an arrogant vibe.
You should trust that the other person has enough wisdom and experience to take good care of themselves.
If they have trouble sleeping, they should talk to medical professionals or search for information online. If you see them struggling in pain, you can ask them if they would like to hear about ways that have helped them in the past.
× It’s wrong to keep suggesting solutions.
It’s not just about sadness; in any situation, you should obtain consent before offering advice or recommending strategies. In most cases, people simply need to be heard and want their pain and challenges to be seen.
○ Advice should only be given after obtaining consent.
Before offering advice or recommending strategies, perhaps it’s helpful to borrow the question from my friend and colleague Kate McComb: “Do you need empathy right now, or do you want advice?” Respect the other person’s answer.
There are probably millions of points to discuss regarding what should and shouldn’t be done, but this checklist will be a good start. Not all “shouldn’ts” are bad methods, just less effective ones. If your goal is to support your friend, you should choose the method most likely to help you achieve your goal.
Why is it that even though I’ve done what I should have done, it still hasn’t helped?
There’s something important we need to know: sometimes, even if we do everything right, our friends might still refuse to reply to our messages, attend our parties, or show no sign that our care is of any help to them.
Remember, the evidence of “help” is not in alleviating pain, but in making the other person feel listened to and supported during their grief. But even if our intention is to provide support, the other person may not feel the same way.
Our intentions are important, but the feelings of the grieving person are the key to determining whether it is helpful.
Long ago, I was an educator on sexual violence awareness and often discussed the definition of sexual harassment. A few years after Matt (the author’s partner) passed away, I was chatting with a friend who was an editor, discussing how to describe the gap between the intentions of supporters and the feelings of those grieving. I mentioned the similarities between sexual harassment and grief support, which drove my friend crazy: “You can’t tell people who try to help that they’re no different from sexual harassers!”
That’s not what I meant at all! Sexual harassment is a completely different matter. But what I’m saying is that the two are indeed related: the truth is determined by the recipient’s feelings, not the giver’s intentions. The outcome decides everything. You don’t need to agree with how the grieving person feels about what you said or did, but you must respect them.
Even if your intentions are good, it doesn’t mean your friend has to accept it that way. Checking is important; checking how things are progressing is a kind gesture and, in the long run, can help things improve.
Remember, our goal is to provide genuine help and support. This means sometimes having to set aside what you think is helpful and instead being genuinely curious about and responding to your friends’ needs
