Library » Man and Woman » Why Women Don’t Marry
© Elena Jero
How to find your “soul mate” or Happily ever after
The number of unmarried women has grown so much these days that sooner or later almost everyone has a question: Why do many women not get married?
Some cannot find “their soul mate”, others do not deliberately seek her, claiming that they are already happy, others do not believe in halves at all, but believe in healthy sex. Or the exchange rate. Or that mother and grandmother are needed to raise children. And they are not so wrong, judging by the statistics …
But now we will not talk about those who have made a conscious choice and do not want to look for a life partner (of course, if this is actually unwillingness, and not an excuse for themselves and other significant people, disguising disappointment, failure, failure, inability, insecurity yourself, etc.). This article is about those and for those who want to get married or get married, because everything described below is also true for men. At the end of this article, we will answer the question of why people interested in marriage cannot find “their soul mate” and what first steps need to be taken to find it. (Hereinafter, by marriage, we mean a long-term stable relationship, with or without a stamp in the passport).
In the movie Let’s Dance? Beverly Clark defines the purpose of marriage as follows: “We all need a witness to our lives … The good, the bad, the terrible, the ordinary — all of this, all the time, every day. We say: “Your life will not pass unnoticed, because I will notice it.”
But in fact, this is only one of fifteen main reasons why we get married. Here it is, the WHY list (the order of the items does not matter):
- Parent script
Yes, parents want the best. Yes, kids too. No, it doesn’t always work out “as always.” Only if the child learns that in order for the parents to be proud of him (at least they do not scold him, consider him normal, feel good, see the result of their upbringing … emphasize the necessary), it is necessary to get married.
- Public scenario
“Being normal is getting married.” Because there are many other scenarios that await you if you don’t get married. Here are the most popular favorites:
- The old maid is pitying for most.
- The feminist careerist – causes ridicule and gloating among the majority: “no one takes, so she eats out”, rarely envy: “at least she has money”, even less often – pity: “she would have a good man …”
- A person with … a different sexual orientation!?! – horror horror.
Even a divorced woman stands higher on the ladder of public love. Better yet is a pluri bred. But the wife of an alcoholic, a drug addict, a battering husband or a cheating husband is still much cooler. Because it evokes respect (for patience) and compassion (the situation is similar for themselves …)
- Purpose = Personal scenario (or part of it)
Some ladies think they were born to be a wife. Create a family and make its members happy. And then they themselves, accordingly, can be happy only as part of the created family. A vicious circle, like a ring on a finger.
- Fairy tale
How do ninety percent of fairy tales end? Wedding and happily ever after. (Russian version “and they lived happily ever after”) Everything that came before was Cinderella’s everyday life, and after that everything will be covered in chocolate. In anticipation of a holiday that must surely come to their street (otherwise why does Hollywood exist ?!), real Cinderellas live in an emotional emptiness, so everyone who knocks on their door is immediately a Prince. What then, no one knows (it is not indicated in the tale), but a wedding is a sine qua non for happily ever after.
- It’s easier for two
This is about survival. If you have a living wage on your table, and you prefer it in bed too. Prefer living with neighbors, for example. Or parental home.
- Father for a child (present or future)
Everything is simple here: the child needs a father, and you arrange a casting for the role of the (future) father, not the husband.
- Solving problems and providing conditions for …
Problems can be financial, housing, interrelated (to move from parents or, on the contrary, to help them) All proposals that fit into the scheme “Without him I can’t … but with him I can afford …” – here.
- In spite of the camel (parents, girlfriend, ex …)
Often this is not because of “nothing to do”, but a form of punishing oneself for something, even if not realized.
- Adventure
Your motives lie in this category if you have: a foreign groom, a groom too young, or, on the contrary, an experienced groom; the groom, with whom – cool parties and diving, for example; a groom with a motorcycle or an Arabian horse, a groom with a gangster past and, most importantly, a future and other “boring” suitors.
- Business
From the joint purchase of a point in the market to the merger of concerns. Why ignore the benefit when it can be doubled (triple, tenfold …)
- Living the roles and feelings possible only in a couple
Of particular note is the willingness to experience the entire spectrum of feelings, and not just positively colored feelings.
- Another game
When a different role is played in a marriage: a child, mother, father, teacher, student, the role of the mayor’s wife or Nobel laureate, the role of a holy martyr with a sick wife and a savior of an alcoholic husband, the role of a winner: “Out of whom has she lost her!” etc.
- Decision of other people
This is when others make a choice for you: parents, clergy, future husband. You may desperately resist or submit to someone else’s will or have no opinion at all, but if you are getting married because someone else decided so, this is your case.
- Companion = I am not alone
There are many sub-points here:
- escape from loneliness
- understanding and support
- partner in any kind of activity (from tango lessons to gardening)
- condition for self-expression. Some people need a viewer to do this, preferably able to appreciate skill and talent. Or a critic as an engine of creativity. Or even a rival.
- Fear and various psychological problems
An attempt to freeze the frame, freeze the moment. When a person is looking for at least something permanent, some kind of guarantee that nothing will change (everything will be fine). “I’m afraid of change, I’m afraid that you will leave me, I’m afraid that something will happen; I’m afraid to get sick, go broke, die, tsunami, revolutions, the end of the world … ”
Various “save me” fall into the same category – when a person is sure that only marriage will help him to free himself from addiction: “I will marry and forget my ex, and quit drinking, and stop walking …”
Now, as promised, we are answering the question why the “half” has not yet been found? In fact, there are four answers:
- You’re looking for the wrong one
It often happens that the next “maybe he?” does not demonstrate the necessary qualities and aspirations. Why? Because this is not him, although he is similar. To find the right partner, you need to understand the list of “your” points and “draw” a portrait of someone who can satisfy them. And if you’re looking for stability and a six-figure salary, then a twenty-year-old is probably not for you. And if you want five kids, then a divorced plus three plus a vasectomy isn’t your prince.
- Looking not there
You should look for your partner where he is found. Because if you want to be a little girl with a wise caring partner, then looking for him in your first year is unreasonable. And if you need a “companion”, then you need to look wherever there are people who like to do what you do.
- Not looking
It is useless to argue with those who think that “it will come by itself at the right moment”. But you can turn to statistics, where it is precisely written, to which it did not come. Never. Therefore, it seems preferable to be active or at least buy a lottery ticket, as in that joke, that is, to give the opportunity to happen what you want so much.
- There is no complementarity (conformity). After all, it takes two to tango, and exclaim “You are what I have been looking for all my life!” both the groom and the bride must.
How do you come to a match?
First step: Write a list of “why should I get married” – right on the points above, and draw a portrait of the “groom”. Let’s call him portrait number one. After all, the words “You are what you need!” – this is just about this list. Even if before we wrote it only in the subconscious.
Second step: Search “from the opposite”. We define a “reverse list”: what I want (ready) to give is the same list, only in profile. That is what you can give to the groom. For example, if you do not have the funds to travel abroad, it means that you can offer yourself only as a companion that you take with you. Think about what problems you could solve, what role he could play with you, how his life will change if you are around. Now draw the portrait of groom number two: who needs what you can give. Compare with the first portrait.
Most of the problems in finding a partner arise from the fact that the portraits are completely different from each other. And in fact, in the lives of brides (especially those who are not at home waiting for a miracle), portraits number two are drawn from time to time, while brides are rejected in anticipation of portraits number one. But life is beautiful and amazing – portraits number one rarely, but also appear on the horizon. They don’t know that this particular bride doesn’t fit their wish list. And then the following happens: the bride does not behave as the Bride of portrait number one should behave, and nothing happens. The groom goes to look further, the failed bride cries: “I ruined everything myself.” The curtain.
Third step : We go to match. There are two ways: either to become “groom list number one”, or accept groom number two. That is, if you are going to charm a foreigner, then you need to start by mastering his language, and if you absolutely do not want to change anything, then admit that Vaska from the next doorway is not such a bad game. And as soon as the match prevails, everything will be like a fairy tale, and you will live happily ever after.
