Positive and negative communication styles during conflict.
Conflict is inevitable in any intimate relationship. However, couples differ greatly in how they communicate with their partners during conflicts.
In the case of happy couples, it is easy for each person to present their point of view firmly, with respect but also listening to what their partner has to say. This results in an understanding of your partner’s feelings and opinion, which helps release tension sooner.
Conversely, unhappy couples often insult and lament each other loudly whenever they argue, yelling over each other. This does not allow for mutual understanding and rather reaffirms their negative attitudes towards each other.
This observation led to the conclusion that more positive communication styles produce greater relationship satisfaction.
For this reason therapists often prompt their clients to increase their use of positive communication techniques and instruct on the use of “I” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements; “I feel so angry when you…” rather than “You make me so angry when you…”; and they also teach them to avoid absolute terms like “always” and “never.”
But do positive changes in communication style actually lead to improvements in relationship satisfaction?
This is the question University of Alberta (Canada) psychologist Matthew Johnson and his colleagues sought to answer in a study recently published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
It turned out that when couples reduced the amount of negative communication during a conflict, they also felt more satisfied with their relationship at that moment, but not necessarily in future moments.
Furthermore, increased positive communication did not predict greater relationship satisfaction, either now or thereafter.
Research has therefore shown that reducing negative communication has a greater effect.
Insulting and voicing grievances doesn’t solve the problem and actually fuels anger and disappointment, perpetuating unhappiness in the relationship.
But to the extent that each partner can limit negative communication, both are more likely to find a solution to the problem.
Even in non-confrontational situations, it’s best to avoid teasing, sarcasm, and taunts. This is because they leave persistent psychological wounds in the partner, making him question the commitment to the relationship.
Conversely, positive communication styles can sweeten problems but not solve them.
Statements in “I” are more to the benefit of the speaker than the listener and remind us that we have control over our feelings. For example: We don’t have to get upset because your spouse leaves his wet towel on the floor instead of putting it in the hamper.
Of course, from the listener’s point of view, it might not matter whether the speaker says “I feel so angry when you…” or “You make me so angry when you…” Either way, it’s a complaint about the their behavior.
Simply switching to a positive communication style therefore won’t necessarily lead to a solution to the problem.
It follows that:
- It is very important to reduce negative communication patterns, to make conflict management less unpleasant than it otherwise would be.
- A positive communication style in which you express your concerns clearly and actively listen is the first step towards resolving conflict, but it alone is not enough to improve the relationship, both in the short and long term. Indeed, once the issues are on the table, work must be done to find a solution that both partners can live with.
