I’ve always wondered what it would be like to hold his heart in his hand. Have those eyes that look at me with tender love. Make me squeeze gently, as if I were her precious treasure. To push his impassive heart to try something more for me. It wasn’t easy to love, but there was something about the way he looked at me that made sense of all the confused words and inconsistent thoughts. Something about the way he spoke to me that got me stabbed and tied to him. Something in him that made my whole existence for him, as if I could not resist alone and it was my only strong pillar in this irregular and constantly evolving world.
Something dark and irresistible in him that made me go in an unfathomable fix, to reach the stars just to make him happy. I really wanted him to feel a bit of something for me. I wanted more than anything to be the reason he smiled. I just wanted you to love me. And I tried it. I tried to see the good side of him. I tried to give him everything I had, until I gave him my life. I tried to love it at my expense. But it didn’t matter what I did. It has never been close enough. I intertwined my fingers, feeling the warmth and tension around them. I threw my other arm around his neck, holding on to him and brushing his lips.
However, he would never have been close. I looked into his illegible eyes and felt the stiffness of his back, and suddenly I was filled with this need for him to feel something. I lowered my head and leaned forward until I kissed him. I could feel his warmth and his consuming presence. I felt I was slipping away and I was confused and hurt. It continued to remain immobile and unaltered. He continued to stay out of reach and didn’t give me the kiss back. Whenever I took two steps towards him, he took ten steps back. Whenever I thought we had a connection and I was closer to seeing the person behind the surface, he would become a stranger the next day and I was no longer close to his heart.
Whenever I thought he was starting to fall in love with me and that there was a chance for us, he would withdraw and break my hopes. Many years later I realized that his distance had been deliberate and his lack of concern was involuntary. It was when I saw him with her that I realized that it was not because he was unable to love, but simply because he could not love me. Where he hid any relationship with me, he now publishes photos of him and her on all his social media. I saw him attend his graduation and he seemed so proud of her. I saw him hold her hand with his group of friends. I saw how he went on vacation with her, beaming with happiness.
I saw how he did everything I wanted him to do with me, with her. I saw the eternity that I wanted with him to materialize in this current reality with her. I saw how he had all his love, the love I could only dream of. When you fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way, your self-esteem is crushed. You can only ask yourself, why her and why not me? Your heart is broken and it is a wound that never completely heals. However, you also learn to switch from that. Pain in the heart, although painful, is necessary to accept what has happened and give up trying to convince someone to love you as you deserve. Only by passing from this unrequited love can you finally meet those who feel the same way towards you.