Saying no is one of the hardest actions to do and learn.
NO, a small word that often creates discomfort when pronouncing it.
Saying No means recognizing yourself, respecting yourself, setting limits even with others. When you really know your needs, you also know how to say No in order to make the other person understand that you have characteristics that are different from theirs, different needs that must equally be considered.
Always answering yes forces you to live a life always respecting and pleasing others, thus forgetting your needs and what makes you feel good.
The difficulty in setting limits is dictated by the fear of not being liked, of being set aside, of being judged, rejected by the other person and of having relationships in which you end up arguing.
Furthermore, it derives from our education and socio-cultural conditioning in which there is the idea that above all the woman must satisfy the needs and expectations of the man.
To avoid all this, you agree to always be compliant, ready to collect the needs and desires of others, satisfy them in order to feel loved and accepted.
I’m sorry to tell you that saying No is an act of self love.
Running the risk of being accepted or not being accepted is part of life because you too have your desires, your originality, your identity that you have the task of showing and defending.
Those who really love you also know how to respect you.
Content index
- Why is it so hard to say no
- Saying No means saying Yes to yourself
- More ways to say no
- How to learn to say no in 7 steps
Why is it so hard to say no
Much research has shown that saying Yes is much easier while saying No triggers negative emotions such as shame , guilt , fear , all of this accentuated when you find yourself making a decision in front of the other, vis a vis .
After saying No and having contacted all these emotions, you are more inclined to accept the requests of others precisely to remedy the damage you have previously done, or the wrong, if you want to call it that, that you have created.
Similarly when you receive a No you give it a negative connotation as if it were a refusal. In reality, the consequence of that No may not be as catastrophic as you imagined.
However, not everyone has this great difficulty, it depends a lot on the character and on the education one has received.
Women have great difficulty saying No to men as they want to keep relationships alive, even if they are unsatisfactory, and to worry about each other’s needs in order not to feel that feeling of selfishness.
By always saying Yes you become invisible to yourself; your self-esteem diminishes making room for feelings of loneliness and failure .
If you continue to do what others want, you will end up living a life of dissatisfaction. You will often be nervous, angry until you feel like a nobody and forget all those beautiful qualities, potentials that are inside you.
Self-esteem is built day after day, so saying a few Nos would make you stronger and ready to set the right limits in your relationship, or in relationships in general.
Always doing everything for your partner in order to feel loved and be sure of being reciprocated will lead you to encounter feelings of loneliness and sadness. What you do will never be enough, you will always want to do more and you will give your partner the wrong idea of who you are. By dedicating your time to fulfilling other people’s requests, you’ll be showing a you that doesn’t exist. Is that really what you want?
You will give up on your desires, on telling your dreams and sharing them with your partner, ending up feeling like a failure.
For these reasons there are many partners who, having understood the weak point, take advantage of it by using the sense of guilt as a way to manipulate.
” I really didn’t expect it from you “.
This is the phrase that is often heard when at a certain point one decides not to comply with the requests of others.
You will be loved the day you can show your weakness
without the other using it to affirm his strength .
- Pavese
Always saying yes from you will become a habit and when one day you get tired, you will find yourself being called bad. I know you don’t want to deal with this judgment of yourself but you have to grit your teeth for a moment and feel that pinch of suffering that will result in your freedom to say yes or no.
It will become your choice.
A choice costs effort but also a great final result.
You will face ugly looks, some judgments because your partner will complain about your not being available as he would like, he will get angry but he will be able to respect you and understand you.
Respect and freedom are indispensable elements in a healthy relationship.
Freedom in the couple , for me, is a cardinal principle that I continually repropose in my articles and during my journey. Triggering guilt means managing the person.
If you are reading this article you surely recognize yourself in this situation so I advise you to slowly start raising your wall to safeguard yourself.
Saying no is loving you.
Saying No means saying Yes to yourself
Whenever you say No you always think you can disappoint someone, you are afraid of losing them, of losing their affection and esteem.
Unfortunately they didn’t explain and teach you that saying No has a different meaning, such as saying Yes to yourself to be free to express who you really are.
It means starting to live that life you were born to, following your instincts and your nature. It’s saying yes to what you love, to your desires and dreams without giving up anything until you fully realize yourself in love, work and life in general.
From now on when you’re about to say Yes satisfying your partner’s needs ask yourself: ” Are you really sure you’re saying No to yourself right now? ”
This is exactly what it’s about, learning to understand if you really want this for yourself.
It’s a question that encompasses all areas of your life: relationships with your partner, relationships with colleagues or employers, relationships with your children or with your parents.
Stop thinking you’re selfish because putting your needs first is absolutely healthy, it’s good for your wellbeing.
Deciding to give your presence to others in a balanced way means giving importance and value to your time, your priorities and what makes you feel really good.
All of this assumes that you do it with profound serenity and without guilt.
Abandoning the fear of saying No is not going to war but saving one’s life from dynamics and vicious circles that only lead to malaise, frustration, anger and closure in oneself.
If you continue to listen to the voice of others you will end up somatizing this malaise within you.
By saying No, you strengthen your self-esteem and no longer utter that fateful phrase ” I give a lot, I expect others to give as much and instead I end up receiving nothing at all “.
When you start creating the right space for you, your sacred space where you respect yourself, value who you are and consider time a great resource, the feeling you will feel will be one of lightness and security within you.
Everything will start flowing in your life differently because you will have changed your inner vibration to a higher level.
At the level of love.
To do this I also suggest you change your communication .
I confess that even I was struggling to say No.
To put it harshly, frankly I don’t like it at all because I think I’m hurting the other. To avoid all this I learned to use phrases and words that are enveloping and welcoming in order to respect, first of all my will, then also the need of the other.
It’s a great way to not feel guilty and not make the other feel rejected.
More ways to say no
There is another way to say No which considers a so-called assertive communication .
Being assertive is clearly expressing your emotions and opinions in a respectful way while avoiding being aggressive or too harsh.
However, assertiveness assumes that you have good self-esteem in order for you to give yourself the respect you deserve.
When the no you pronounce is accompanied by inner calm, tranquility, deep connection with yourself, the other perceives it and you are not moved by all those negative emotions. You are certain that you are doing the right thing for yourself while respecting the other.
“ It is perfectly possible to say NO firmly and clearly to a person or to step out of a situation and at the same time be in a state of total absence of inner resistance.
When you say NO to a person or a situation, this refusal must come not from a reaction but from an intuition, from an understanding of what is right or wrong for you at that moment. Let it be a non-responsive, but high-quality NO. A NO free from all negativity and therefore does not create further suffering.”
The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
Want to learn how to say No assertively? Here’s how:
- Understand the request and respond calmly;
- Think about your need and stay still in your position, in your thought.
- Express your disappointment by thanking the other and above all without justifying yourself.
- Help the person find a solution.
Here is an example:
Thank you for thinking of me, I understand your need but right now I have another commitment (or I have little time) to say yes. Could you… (suggest a solution).
I’m sorry but I can’t satisfy you this time, I’m running out of time because… Maybe next time, in the meantime you can think about (suggest a solution).
These ways of saying No are quite different from No accompanied by guilt. They are polite and don’t make you feel distant from each other but they strengthen the relationship while you are limiting your boundaries.
In this way you have transmitted positivity and have welcomed the need of the other.
How to learn to say no in 7 steps
To value yourself and develop self-love, nurture the freedom to express yourself within the couple or, in the relationships you establish, these steps will surely be of great help to you.
Avoid too many explanations
When you say No , explain the reason in a few words and politely, even a simple simple now I can’t , I don’t feel like it . Giving too many explanations will make you go back, it will lead you to contact that sense of guilt that will fuel so many thoughts until you retrace your steps.
By listening to all these thoughts you will feel unwell and will only harm yourself.
Once you say No accept your decision.
Think about what positive this No of yours will bring you and the stress you avoided by deciding to dedicate your energies only to what makes you feel good.
Learn to love yourself
Always pleasing others leads to doing things you don’t feel like doing.
Learning to love yourself means doing what you like and saying No to what you don’t want to do. When you notice little availability from the other towards you, think more than twice about being too available.
Why do you care so much about others and so little about yourself? To displease?
Be reasonably available
We say ” too much stroppia “.
Your being too available will feed your partner the idea that you are always there at any time and therefore can always count on you, even when there are situations or responsibilities that fall to him.
For this, give yourself the opportunity to refuse those requests in which you feel you are unable or simply do not feel like doing. Your man will first of all learn to rely on his own strength.
It’s a gift you give him.
Make choices just for yourself
Saying No assumes that you know how to make choices just for yourself and establish what’s right for you by overcoming the judgment of others, therefore without being influenced.
To do this, I advise you to listen to yourself much more, to understand your desires and your needs. To understand if the choice you make is purely yours, ask yourself if the little voice you hear inside you comes from an external person, who pushes you to decide in that direction. If obviously the answer is negative then you are acting only following your own path.
Even during an argument learn to put your thoughts out, what is right for you in order to strengthen your self-confidence.
Take the right time to decide
Before deciding whether to say Yes or No, take your time.
It seems that Yes becomes your automatic response instead you can answer with a I’ll think about it or I’ll let you know shortly .
Calmly decide, with a fresh mind, what to answer.
If you can, anticipate the requests of others.
There are definitely some things that you don’t want to do and that your man often asks you to do, go to the bank. You may decide to share this task and if you really can’t say No , you can respond in a calm but firm tone, at the same time, with words that are right for you (assertive communication).
There are a billion other ways to say No , find the right one for you that makes you feel calm.
Choose to help your partner when you feel like it
There are actions and requests that will weigh you down more than others and that will make you feel bad. On the other hand, it’s not nice to see a person who does something out of duty or reluctantly, so I suggest you don’t accept..
Explaining to your partner that some requests you can’t fulfill will only improve your relationship and experience positive emotions that fuel your love. If your partner loves you, he will understand and push you to reach an agreement, to say yes when you actually can and feel like doing it. The relationship must not become a prison but a field in which to be free to make one’s own choices.
Practice saying no in front of the mirror
It seems like a trivial and stupid exercise but it can really help you and stimulate you to say no without feeling discomfort. One way to chase away any turmoil that arises is to begin the sentence by thanking your man for thinking of you, for his ability to always keep you in mind.
It’s a way to not get in touch with that negative feeling that, as I said before, the No brings with it.
You will be delicate, kind and at the same time have shown respect for yourself.
Now all you have to do is implement these new communication methods to better enjoy your well-being.
