The fear of death has gripped our existences for millennia. In Beyond the Pleasure Principle, Freud criticizes the philosophers of the past, accusing them of having considered death as something terrible and distressing and not, more correctly, as something that belongs to life itself; a presence that gives it value, as it is finite, present, unique. We find something similar in the novel Le stelle fredda by Guido Piovene. Here the author from Vicenza compares our life to that of a cold star, long extinguished but alive for us who still receive its light; a true Copernican revolution, which shifts the plane of death from that of time to that of space. A position that forcefully distances itself from the theological vision, which perceives it as a door to another world, which does not know pain and which is illuminated by truth.
Beyond all this bullshit, we believe that the fear of the great darkness can be overcome, like all fears, with style. So today we will list the funniest and most stylish deaths in history, hoping they will serve as lessons to the many assholes who do nothing but think.
Dying in an epic way: 1 – Heraclitus
Heraclitus the Dark, the philosopher of fire, was a great pain in the ass. He hated everyone indiscriminately and among the objects of his hatred there was certainly no shortage of doctors, whom he insulted privately and publicly. By now on the path of old age he fell ill with dropsy and crawled back to ask for help from the doctors. They, in order to obtain a sober revenge, advised him to immerse himself in cow dung up to his shoulders, in such a way as to evaporate the water from his body naturally. Now, our hero owned three enormous and ferocious dogs, which he used to threaten those who bothered him, therefore, having gone to a stable in the countryside to immerse himself in shit, he was not recognized by his dogs, who were unable to recognize his smell, confused by that of the feces, and tore his head to pieces.
Dying in an epic way: 2 – Diogenes of Sinope
The cynic Diogenes was an example of style not only for his own death but also for his conduct in life. He used to go around completely naked inside a barrel open on top and bottom, which allowed him to masturbate avidly in front of attractive passers-by (even though he used to screw sows because, according to him, they were much more ardent). Among other things, he shit freely in the middle of the squares and did whatever the fuck he wanted. He committed suicide holding his breath.
Dying in an epic way: 3 – Petronius
Arbiter Petronius was a real slacker. He spent his days squandering his inheritance and scrounging dinners from his friends. According to legend, he went to Cumae and decided to commit suicide during a banquet. He cut his veins in front of the onlookers, but every now and then he would plug them with gauze while sipping wine or juicy chicken legs. Then he would cut them again, then plug them again to enjoy one last blowjob and so on, until he was completely drained of blood.
Dying in an epic way: 4 – Tycho Brahe
The Danish astronomer was certainly the greatest master of etiquette in history. Deeply convinced that leaving a banquet during its progress was terribly rude, he held his pee for so long that his poor bladder exploded, killing him.
Dying in an epic way: 5 – Steve Marriott
Deaths in the music world are famous. Between overdoses of various kinds and choking on their own vomit by John Bonham and Bon Scott, it is worth remembering Steve Marriott the most. In fact, the singer of the Small Faces, after an indescribable hangover, lit a cigarette without thinking that he was soaked from head to toe in vodka and other various alcoholic beverages. He caught fire and died peacefully.
Dying in an epic way: 6 – Anonymous
Among the urban legends it is worth remembering that American veterinarian who while he was performing a proctoscopy on a cow received a very powerful fart from the animal in the face. Unfortunately the unfortunate doctor was smoking a cigar and the fart transformed into a flamethrower killing him due to the deep burns he suffered.
