Today we are going to talk about this subject that is so boring, but that directly influences the success of any relationship: insecurity . In the topics, you will check:
– How to deal with insecurity
– How to overcome fear of being rejected and jealousy
– Tips to turn the game around, leave insecurity aside, fill yourself with confidence and turn it around.
See the video below in which I talk a little bit about feeling insecure in a relationship.
Insecurity does not appear overnight. It is a consequence of small signs that you will slowly perceive, throughout the relationship: a response crossed here, a different way of looking at you there, a strange impatience that did not exist before … The first times, I bet you even try to ignore these signs and try not to pay attention to them. You think it’s all in your head and it’s not worth worrying about this “bullshit”, right? But then, an unpleasant comment or an out-of-the-minute discussion is enough, and that’s it: that’s when insecurity gains space within you and, if it comes accompanied by anguish and jealousy, two of your main allies, this combination can become a major threat to the well-being of your relationship.
Did you dress up in a special way, spent a long time producing yourself, and he, who always praised you, doesn’t even seem to have noticed? The day started some time ago for him and the traditional “good morning” message still hasn’t arrived on his cell phone? Did that passionate kiss and that look of admiration that rolled every time he saw you give way to a dull and unwilling kiss? I know that here you already called your warning sign and that unbearable question decided to pay you a visit: “does he have another one?”.
And, if that thought really came up, what I have to tell you is: first, calm down. It may be that he still loves you as much as he did at the beginning of the relationship. It may be that, for him, everything is going well and that these problems that you think you are experiencing are just things in your head.
6 tips to set aside insecurity
1. Invest in yourself and value yourself
When we are insecure in our relationship, we often think, “What am I doing wrong?” or “why did he lose interest in me?” First of all, be aware that, most likely, there is nothing wrong with you. It is men who, by nature and instinct, have an almost uncontrollable desire for conquest, for novelty, for challenge. They are very competitive and do not usually like monotony, “won game”.
You can notice that, almost always, when the man realizes that the woman is completely in love, he distances himself and loses some interest.
I’m not telling you not to fall in love or to hide your feelings. Far from it! But try to create ways to keep yourself always interesting, always attractive. Don’t be so dependent on your boyfriend or husband. Invest in your growth and your own success by doing something different for yourself. Change the look from time to time and enjoy your appearance. Start a course and learn something new. Make new friends and socialize with other people in new environments. These attitudes will make you safer, more confident and, honestly, of both, one: either you will challenge him to conquer you always, every day (and he will love it), or, if he continues not giving you the time, you will realize that you are a woman interesting enough to win a man more worthy of your love and affection.
2. Don’t let jealousy rule the relationship
Here is the great villain of any relationship: jealousy, when out of control, is capable of destroying the relationship even of those firmer and more stable couples. A small discussion because of a photo taken or some message received on social media is super normal, as well as being irritated to see him looking sideways all the time on the beach, for example. It does not make you a jealous person beyond the limit.
Jealousy becomes a problem when you start doing things that you never imagined before, like, for example, following your boyfriend to see where he is going or waiting for him to sleep to touch his cell phone and check messages, messages and messages. -mails, photos. This self-destructive behavior helps nothing and will only make you more insecure and distressed.
My advice: before reaching this point, reflect, talk, look for alternatives with your partner. Don’t let jealousy go so far as to dominate all your other feelings and turn love into something stressful, heavy and that makes you suffer.
3. Attention: stop wanting to get so much attention
Are you feeling that he no longer gives you the same attention he gave you in the beginning? This is quite natural after a time of relationship, it does not mean that he no longer cares or that he likes you less.
Men tend to be more “detached” than women, but that doesn’t mean you have to remind them all the time that you are there. An important step for him to notice you is to value yourself, as I said in the first item of this list, but it is good to understand that begging the partner’s attention can have the opposite effect: he can get tired of those complaints like “you don’t send me more messages as in the past “,” you don’t say that I’m beautiful anymore “or” you don’t want to talk or stay with me anymore “, and you will start avoiding yourself.
I’ll give you a hint to get you through this turbulent moment: sometimes it’s on your mind and the best thing is to let the relationship flow naturally. Your partner will realize that you have stopped charging so much and will naturally praise you again when they notice new attitudes, and will not feel obliged to have to do that because you asked.
4. Control your expectations: be realistic!
One of the greatest difficulties in a relationship, especially at the beginning, is to understand that the other is not perfect. He has weaknesses, problems, ups and downs and countless defects, just like any human being.
If you imagine that you are relating to someone above good and evil, immune to temptations, you are wrong and you will be disappointed. Don’t let insecurity overwhelm you every time he does something that upsets you. On the contrary! Believe in your feelings and strengthen yourself. You are not perfect, nor is he. If you expect to be in a relationship with someone to feel happy you better stop before you start!
The perfect person does not exist, and if you are not happy with yourself, there is no one in the world who will do it for you.
Of course, yes, there is a lot of shameless man, a chicken, and he can’t bear to live with the idea of relating to one woman, but I guarantee you that the vast majority of them are different and are willing to face a relationship of truth. Remember that neither you nor he are perfect and do not let insecurity deepen the small mistakes that both of you will make along the way.
5. Respect each other’s space
Every man likes – and needs – freedom. It is very rare to find someone who feels good about relating to a woman who fills him with questions all the time and who suffocates him with excessive jealousy. Women’s insecurity, when frequent, generates impatience and disinterest in men.
If they are married, respect his time when he wants to get away a little, or be more silent. This can take a few hours, or a few days, it is normal. Do not force the bar of an approach, as the man needs this time, and naturally he will come back after this more patient and attentive time.
Be a partner, companion, understanding. Encourage your boyfriend to have time just for himself or with friends. He will admire you even more and, as a result, he will be closer to you.
6. Be clear: men don’t understand our hints
How many times have you called him (mentally) an idiot and cried with anger because he didn’t understand what you meant when you were upset? How many and how many times have you used your entire indirect repertoire, some of them quite ironic, and nothing has worked? Men and women are very different in this sense so do him a big favor: if something is bothering you, just say it. No games or charminhos.
And what does this have to do with insecurity? Simple: if you are feeling insecure or jealous, don’t be hiding behind faces and mouths, having a tantrum, with few words and the face of few friends. Call him for a conversation. Yes, it’s that simple and you need to face the dialogue if you want it to understand you better. Say what you are feeling and, more than that, why you are feeling this way.
Communication is an art that few couples master. Some are silent and do not talk about important aspects of the relationship, either for fear of hurting the other, or just for accommodation. There are those who pass the point and argue all the time, make scenes of jealousy, homeric shacks and memorable scandals.
Be different and start to control how to communicate and express your insecurity. Be the middle ground: neither keep everything to yourself nor become a DR machine (discuss the relationship). Chat, expose, discuss, no frills, no outsiders and no tantrums. He, man, practical and objective by nature, will love his simple way of dealing with what you dislike.
Controlling your insecurity is the best weapon against the feelings that can arise from it, so self-knowledge and emotional intelligence must always be worked on.
Let’s see if we fit into one of the points below?
– I do not value myself, I am always despising myself and wanting him to praise me;
– He and I have fought a lot lately due to my distrust: I’m always teasing his cell phone or work and I always think he’s talking to other women;
– I don’t feel complete, I thought I would be 100% happy with him, but I still have problems;
– Sometimes he wants to stay a little longer, without talking much. Is there something wrong with me?
– We always fight when I try to talk about something, it’s like we don’t speak the same language and he never understands what I mean.
Well, now that we’ve listed together some of the most common problems, let’s identify where we’re going wrong. Certainly with a few simple steps, like giving more space to the partner, we will go through this phase.