We all have an inner voice that can take on a comforting tone to make us feel better when we’re down, or tell us that we’re safe and everything will be okay. But other times that voice can be very harsh. It can strike us mercilessly by reminding us of all that we have done wrong.
That voice represents one of the different ‘I’s we have inside. According to the ” I Theory “, in fact, our personality is made up of different “I”s that take control if necessary, to protect us from dangers, ensure our survival and make us less vulnerable.
One of those ‘I’s takes on the role of critic and can tell us things like ‘ you haven’t tried or tried hard enough’, ‘pay more attention’ or ‘you never do anything right’. Although many times the recriminations of that ” critical self ” are not pleasant, we must pay attention to them because it follows a hidden program that usually has a strong impact on our mental balance.
The 3 reasons that guide our inner critic
- Try to motivate us. Our critical voice can tell us that “we are hopelessly lazy for not going to the gym”or that “we are failures for having lost an excellent job opportunity”trying to motivate us, even if it may seem paradoxical.
When our inner voice takes on this tone, it usually repeats a pattern we learned in childhood, perhaps because our parents or teachers used those words with us. Basically, our inner critic believes that berating ourselves for being wrong prompts us to try harder.
Therefore this critical inner voice scolds us heavily, awakening memories of past mistakes. It constantly reminds us that we have not been up to the task to encourage us to grow and punishes us for generating negative feelings that we want to get rid of by improving our performance.
Unfortunately, a study conducted at Brandeis University revealed that being excessively hard on ourselves and punishing ourselves with negative thoughts brings the expected results. Indeed, it can make us feel more incompetent, flawed, or deficient. Conversely, taking a more compassionate attitude and accepting failure motivates us more to improve ourselves.
- Try to return the check to us. As the level of uncertainty increases, it can be especially difficult to deal with feelings of loss of control. In these cases, our inner critic can step in to tell us things like “if we had tried harder we would have succeeded” or “if we had paid more attention we would not have failed”.
These phrases are actually a fight against feelings of helplessness and lack of control. While they may seem like recriminations, their ultimate goal is to strengthen the internal locus of control . In other words, reminding ourselves that we can do better if we try harder. This strategy can have a side effect: we demand too much of ourselves.
What should have an empowering effect can turn against us, making us victims and perpetrators of ourselves. “This self-referentiality generates a paradoxical freedom, which, due to the structures of obligation inherent in it, turns into violence, so that everyone ends up bringing his own forced labor camp with him”, warns the South Korean philosopher Byung-Chul Han .
In reality, we must be aware that some things are within our control, but others are not. We shouldn’t make the mistake of blaming ourselves and trying harder than we can handle, just because we’re afraid to admit that we can’t control everything.
- Try to protect us. This “protective self” is one of the first aspects of the personality that develops to keep us safe. It is a kind of bodyguard constantly vigilant to detect lurking dangers and determine how to protect us.
That critical voice will tell us things like “don’t be ridiculous” or “don’t sweat, don’t blush, don’t move your hands so much or they’ll know you’re nervous”. Will constantly examine the environment to determine what behaviors are more likely to be socially accepted.
It ensures that we follow a set of rules because they guarantee our safety and social approval. The critical voice that activates in our heads ensures that we do not act inappropriately or ridiculously. It helps us avoid mistakes, allows us to follow benchmarks to act effectively, avoid being inattentive or rude.
One of the main problems with this kind of criticism is that we lose spontaneity. We become less authentic because our controlling or protective self controls us and tells us what to do to please others.
If this self-criticism becomes excessive, very soon we will feel overwhelmed and a self-observation mechanism will be triggered which will generate just the opposite effect: it will make us more nervous and we will be less effective in our social interactions. A study conducted at Harvard University revealed that nothing fixes as intensely as what we want to ignore, is what is known as the Rebound Effect .
How to use inner criticism to grow
Actually, that critical inner voice is needed. There is nothing wrong with being self-critical. But we have to make sure that the inner voice doesn’t take control and, above all, we have to be careful of its messages because the way we talk to ourselves, the discourse we weave around our failures, weaknesses and mistakes is very important.
A study conducted at Kingsway Hospital in the UK revealed that our critical inner voice is not a single process, but takes on different functions, follows different goals and feeds on different emotions. These psychologists concluded that “self-critical people, compared to those who calm down, have a higher risk of suffering from some psychopathology”. Another study conducted at Georgia State University linked high levels of self-criticism with more severe depressive symptoms.
The goal is not to eliminate that “critical self”, but to learn to deal with it. Fighting against these claims or trying to ignore them is usually not very effective. Self-criticism often seems to reflect the truth, which makes it very persuasive.
Instead, we can practice defusion. It’s a technique that will help us recognize that our criticisms are just ideas, not facts. In this way we can differentiate our thoughts from reality and reduce the negative impact of criticism, weakening its control over our mood and behavior.
One of the techniques of defusion consists precisely in grasping the hidden objective behind the criticisms we make. So we need to treat our inner critic in a more compassionate way. We can tell him, “I understand what you are doing and I appreciate it, but there are other ways to deal with this situation.”
Ultimately, our inner critic is just trying to protect us or motivate us. It’s just that sometimes he can’t find the best way to do it and we have to consciously give him extra help.
