The most common psychological wounds in our daily lives are those we experience when we feel rejected.
Why does rejection hurt so much?
The most common psychological wounds in our daily lives are those we experience when we feel rejected. In the era of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter etc. we can be connected to a very large network of people, who, in turn, can ignore our messages, our posts, our social profiles exposing us to an unpleasant feeling of rejection . In addition to these small episodes of rejection, other more significant and devastating experiences are added, such as when our partner decides to leave us, when we get fired, when our friends abandon us, when our family members close the door to our home for having made life choices that are not consistent with their value system. The pain we feel in situations like these can be paralyzing.
Whether it’s a big rejection or a small rejection, one thing is for sure, it hurts and sometimes more than we expected. The question is: why? Why are we so caught up in the fact that the guy we’re flirting with didn’t like our latest Instagram Christmas post that it affects our mood?
The answer is that our brains are wired to respond this way . When we are rejected, abandoned, or suffer a loss, the same areas of the brain that are involved in physical pain—the anterior insula and anterior cingulate cortex—are activated. In one neuroimaging study, these regions were active when people felt rejected by their peers. In another study, these same brain areas were activated when people who had just gotten out of a romantic relationship were shown photos of their ex-partners.
Why is our brain structured this way?
According to psychologists, it seems that it all began when we lived by hunting in tribes. Since it was impossible to live alone, being kicked out of a tribe meant being sentenced to death. For this reason, our brain has developed a sort of alarm signal capable of warning us when we are about to be “kicked out” of the tribe we belong to.
But pain is not the only effect of the experience of rejection, unfortunately our self-esteem and our mood are also damaged, causing an increase in the response of anger and aggression and destabilizing our need to “belong”. However, the greatest damage that rejection does is the one we inflict on ourselves, making an already vulnerable self-esteem even more vulnerable . In fact, when we are “dumped” by our partner, our first reaction is not compassion towards ourselves, but a heartbreaking tendency to criticize ourselves, devaluing ourselves and attributing senseless blame to ourselves for the end of the story, reinforcing a sense of inadequacy, of not being worthwhile and of not being lovable. When our self-esteem needs comfort, we practically give it the final blow. There are healthier and more functional ways to react to rejection, in order to soothe the psychological suffering that comes from it, to slow down self-destructive reactions and get our self-esteem back on its feet.
Break down any form of devaluation and criticism towards yourself
After a rejection, we have the automatic tendency to line up all the alleged faults/responsibilities that we would have had in determining such a sad outcome for us. If reviewing what happened can be functional in order to avoid making the same mistakes, punishing ourselves for what happened leads nowhere if not to feed a dysfunctional cycle of psychological suffering. For example, if we are “dumped” on the second date because perhaps we talked too much about our previous relationship, we could assume “next time, I will avoid talking about my ex, all the time!”, rather than making general devaluing judgments such as “I’m such a loser!”.
One of the first mistakes we make when we are rejected is to assume that it is a personal matter , we forget that in most rejections factors related to the circumstances come into play and we often have little to do with it. Making internal attributions, in an attempt to understand what went wrong is counterproductive and above all untruthful.
Assigning value to oneself
When our self-esteem is knocked down, it is necessary to make a list of all the things we do well , it is necessary to reclaim our value. Let’s start by finding five positive personal qualities: I can listen to others, I am a good cook, I am good at creating new ideas, I get great results at work, I am consistent with my value system etc. At this point we select one of these qualities to write a paragraph or two, explaining why that quality is important to those around us and how we can develop it in a particular situation. This exercise represents a first step of support to strengthen our self-esteem, reduce pain and increase the self-confidence needed to move forward.
Nurturing feelings that facilitate social connection
Humans are social animals and as such seek in others the satisfaction of their needs for value and approval . First of all, connection with others responds to our need for belonging, which is called into question when we feel rejected. For this reason, it is important to reclaim that feeling of connection with others when we are rejected. For example, at work they didn’t include me in the dinner invitation, I can always count on the group of the basketball team that I meet up with on weekends after practice.
If a friend doesn’t reply to our messages, we can always turn to someone who is available and interested in interacting with us. If we get dumped on the first date, we can always contact our best friend and ask to spend an evening together. The important thing is not to confirm dysfunctional beliefs of unlovability , for example: I’m not worthy of being loved, no one loves me, I don’t deserve people’s affection, etc. – which fuel negative emotions.
Rejection is a very painful experience but the good news is that we can use tools to recognize what is happening to us , trying to limit the psychological suffering that comes from it, without reinforcing mechanisms of self-criticism and self-devaluation. This will allow us to avoid further damage to self-esteem and to deal more effectively with negative experiences that will follow in our lives.
