Giving ourselves a second chance is a great show of love and compassion for ourselves. But it’s often easier to forgive the harm someone else has caused us and give them a chance to make amends than it is to forgive ourselves and try again.
In fact, we can become our harshest judges. We criticize ourselves when we make mistakes and label ourselves as incompetent when we fail to achieve our goals. In a certain sense it is an understandable attitude because no one better than us can know our limits, but also to know that, if we had really given our best, we would have succeeded.
We cannot escape our inner judge. And that’s not a bad thing, because that voice in our head urges us to expand our limits and grow. But sometimes we can be too harsh on ourselves and cross the line between constructive criticism and destructive judgement. When habit, guilt, inability to be lenient with ourselves or an unconscious desire to punish ourselves are hiding behind our “hard hand”, we have a problem that we need to solve as soon as possible.
It is at this moment that many people throw in the towel. They decide they have lost the battle and that it is useless to keep trying. Then they can fall into a kind of vital apathy in which they deny themselves the possibility of being happy again or experiencing pleasure. To avoid these extremes, it is essential to learn how to give yourself second chances in love, work, or life.
Why do we deny ourselves a second chance?
- Because we are too demanding of ourselves
When we set ourselves very ambitious goals, settling for less is difficult. This is why we feel so bad when we make mistakes and our first reaction is to give up, thinking we will no longer be able to achieve what we set out to do. In those cases we put into practice a sort of dichotomous thought: either I make it the first time or nothing. This type of reasoning is the main reason we refuse second chances and never try again.
- Because we ask too much of others
Sometimes we set the bar too high, so no one can jump. When we expect too much from others, it’s easy to be disappointed. If we have unrealistic expectations about the relationships we form and ask a lot of others, we are likely to end up cornered. So we believe that others are the problem and we close ourselves off from establishing new relationships, denying ourselves the possibility of being happy through them.
- Because we anchor ourselves in the past
There are people who don’t want to look into the future because they feel comfortable in the past, even though they are aware that it no longer exists. These people are afraid to step out of their comfort zone and, for various reasons, prefer to live in the world of memories. They believe that the present or future has nothing as rewarding or exciting to offer as what they have experienced in the past. That’s why they refuse a second chance.
- Because we think we don’t deserve it
Some people allow a mistake to determine their self-image. When they label themselves “losers” or “failed” they think they don’t deserve good things, so they don’t even look for second chances. These are generally people with damaged self-esteem and a poor self-image that prevents them from fighting for what they want.
- Because we are afraid of making mistakes again
In many cases, giving yourself a second chance means moving on and moving on, but that prospect can be scary for some people. If we’ve been hurt in the past, giving ourselves a second chance at love will make us vulnerable again. If we have failed in a professional project, taking a similar path again implies the possibility of failing again. Sometimes that fear is so great that it paralyzes us.
The 5 keys to giving yourself a second chance
We are not always aware that the biggest obstacle to being happy again is ourselves. Our mind is complex and often sets us traps into which we easily fall. However, there are three fairly common steps you can take to give yourself a second chance:
- Don’t rush to heal. The world won’t end tomorrow, don’t try to heal the wound by putting a plaster on it because in the long run the remedy will be worse than the disease. Take all the time you need to heal and start over . Emotional wounds don’t heal so easily, so you don’t need to rush to look to the future. Just make sure you put the broken pieces back together. Go at your own pace, but be sure to take baby steps toward healing so you don’t get stuck in the past.
- Open up to opportunities. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is closing ourselves off to opportunities. Sometimes, where we least expect it, a surprise awaits us that can change our life, or at least a part of it. Make sure the hit right away doesn’t rob you of your desire to discover and explore. Be open to interesting people and offers. So when a good opportunity knocks on your door, you’ll be ready to take advantage of it and give yourself a second chance.
- Learn from mistakes. You are wrong? Nothing happens, reflect on the decisions that brought you to that point and try to take a different path next time. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and do better next time. Experiences can make us wiser and more resilient, provided we learn from them. After all, people are not judged by falls, but by the strength they have to get back up.
- Don’t let failure limit you. Failures can be painful blows that are hard to bear. No doubt. But the real failure is not that of a professional project or a love relationship, rather it is letting that mishap determine your life forever. We are ever-changing people, evolving and learning, so there’s no reason to think that what went wrong yesterday won’t be right today.
- Integrate the experience into your life story. A study conducted at Haverford Collegeconfirmed that in order to give yourself a second chance after a painful or difficult experience, two factors must come together. First, we need to make sense of what happened and, then, we need to reach a positive and coherent resolution. This “involves acknowledging past negative emotions and linking them with developing new ways of experiencing positive emotions in the present,”as these psychologists explain. It means that it is not necessary to forget the experience, but to find a positive meaning in it to integrate it into our life story.
Why is it good to give yourself a second chance?
Second chances are great times to get what we missed the first time around. After a defeat or failure, we can learn from what we did wrong to correct and improve it. We can realize the things we fail at and the strengths we need to work on.
Also on an interpersonal level it is good to give a second chance. It involves trusting the other person and believing that change is possible. It also involves the ability to forgive and let go of resentment. In the long run, these relationships can even become stronger and more fulfilling.
When is it not worth it?
However, it’s not always good to give yourself or give a second chance. There are circumstances where it just isn’t worth it or it could be a sign of stubbornness or even masochism. Therefore, think twice before giving a second chance when:
- The project has ceased to interest you or has lost its raison d’être
- You don’t think the other person can change
- There is a pattern of systematic failure over time
- You haven’t matured enough to try again
- You are not willing to give 100% and taking the risks is not worth it
