Giving a second chance is a dilemma that often arises in married life after a disappointment in love. You have experienced periods of quarrels, outbursts and disappointments that you did not expect and so you said ” never again “, ” I’m never going back “.
Yet you found yourself in front of a coffee with your ex chatting about the happy moments, the adventures spent together and feeling a small spark alive inside you that questioned your decision.
A choice brings with it a dose of guilt towards the other, or in the case of married couples, even towards the children.
If you know how to handle it adequately then you will reflect on the reasons that led to the breakup of the marriage or relationship while if you get carried away by it or by displeasure towards the other, you will end up going back to the old road.
I was the first to handle this sense of guilt very badly.
My ex had really let me down and treated me badly; for the sake of the children and for the regret of not having a united family I have often given in. I didn’t want to arrive tomorrow to live with the remorse of ifs and buts. What would my life have been like if I had given him one more chance?
This thought was a sentence for me until I finally closed.
I went back, I gave more than a second chance finding myself with a handful of flies.
When I noticed that time went by and nothing changed between me and him, that’s when I realized I was just wasting time. I hadn’t built anything new or good during that time, in fact, our marriage kept falling apart and me together.
The sum of these small chances gone wrong made me understand that a second chance in love should only be given when both of the couple are ready to improve their behaviour, to question themselves totally and improve themselves. But if this will on the part of both, and I mean both, there is no better way to let it go.
For this I advise you to reflect very well on the reason for the breakup.
What led to the breakup?
Differences of character, of values or was there a betrayal?
When there are betrayals, the situation is much more complex because an authentic value is missing: trust. I believe that trust is the hardest thing to rebuild because it brings with it disesteem, regret, dislike, resentment, anger and disappointment.
Why me? I didn’t deserve it.
Therefore, before giving your relationship a second chance, it is advisable to reflect and observe some signs that help you understand what is the right thing to do.
Content index
- Does giving a second chance work?
- When to give a second chance
Does giving a second chance work?
The second possibility doesn’t work in many cases. Why?
“Lloyd, is it right to give a second chance to those who have let us down?”
“Even more, sir”
“And how many? Three? Four?”
“All those necessary to make us never regret that person again, sir”
“Never Again Is a Really Long Time, Lloyd”
“It’s just enough to repay all that was lost, sir”
“Very clear, Lloyd”
“Good day, sir”
Life with Lloyd
Couples often get back together for reasons that are absolutely wrong and can’t sustain the relationship.
The reasons can be:
- need to feel less alone;
- need to feel loved and to love;
- emotional dependence on your ex;
- difficulty managing the sense of guilt and definitive closure;
- imagine rebuilding the united family that one has always dreamed of.
Many women also give themselves another chance, rather than their ex, because they don’t accept the idea of failure, they blame themselves for the relationship gone wrong, they think they have made a mistake and that they have not loved enough or that they are not Enough. They try again and expend much more energy and dedication.
There are also other women, albeit in the minority, who think they won’t meet a man in the future who will accept them for who they are, who will accept the children from their previous relationship. For these reasons they choose to go back with their ex.
Basing a relationship on needs , fear , or feelings that you can hardly let go of, as you notice, is an absolutely wrong starting point.
Missing your partner is as natural as feeling those bad emotions of disappointment, anger, and the difficulty of being alone. The issues that contributed to you leaving with your ex are still there, they haven’t been resolved, plus there’s the added disappointment of being separated.
You don’t know how to handle the feeling of emptiness, you don’t believe deeply in yourself to the point that you think you can’t continue living your life alone, they make you need to have someone next to you. This is far from love.
At the root of this behavior is the mistake of having placed one’s happiness in the hands of another person.
If you continue to think negatively and believe that you are not up to continuing with your life, that you are happy and normal, you will feel doubly the breakup. However, this experience can open your mind to understand that happiness depends only on yourself, that it is you who decides that you want to feel good, to be serene and that moments of solitude can become moments to learn to be in the company of yourself .
If you make good use of this time before giving your ex a second chance, you will discover and look at your relationship from other points of view and change your thinking. It will be your thoughtfulness that will help you understand what is the best choice for both you and your ex, if it really is appropriate to give a second chance that puts you on the growth track as a couple. Or this moment of solitude can make you understand that breaking up was a mature choice, so it’s better to continue your life on two different tracks.
If your ex is also a daffodil then consider that to him you are his trophy. He is in love with the possibilities you give him, not with you. This means that giving him other chances is tantamount to feeding his ego because being left, losing or failing is not part of his nature.
When to give a second chance
Before arriving at a separation or a definitive break in the relationship, the pros and cons are tested and evaluated, whether recomposing the couple has the purpose of a love that works or not.
When to give a second chance?
- Think about the wrong you have received . Evaluate whether it is too big or not in order to understand if you are in a position to be able to forgive the mistakes and be ready to accept the gesture made. We all make mistakes for this can be forgiven. Obviously, however, it is necessary to make an accurate distinction between the errors. If you have been treated badly or emotionally or physically abused in the past it goes without saying that it would be best not to go back.
- Forgive the betrayal only when the other has understood the gesture made, assuming it was just a moment of weakness. See if he is truly repentant and ask yourself about your willingness to understand what happened between you. It means getting back together with your ex without holding back what he did. Those who are truly repentant do not blame, on the contrary, know how to assume their responsibilities. If he only ever blames you to justify himself, it continues to fuel the certainty that the separation was for the best thing between you.
- Restart from the here and now. See the past not as a weapon of reproach but as an experience that led you to believe that you are the strong woman you are today. Observe her behavior. If your ex explains the reasons for her gesture to you, she confides in you everything he experienced about her, what he felt in order to admit her guilt, listen to him. With that in mind you may consider giving it another chance.
- Live the estrangement period as a time to resolve couple and personal problems , overcome the disappointment and wounds caused by your ex’s behavior to restart the relationship without hard feelings and with different assumptions.
These four points are not law or rules to follow, just a beacon that illuminates your difficulty of choice. They don’t apply to everyone because it depends on the feelings and values that the person feels inside. If, for example, you absolutely cannot tolerate betrayal, even if it’s occasional, it’s useless to try again.
There are no wrong or right choices, there is the ability to look within and be honest with yourself.
Giving a second chance involves a greater commitment because the couple must be rebuilt again also considering that particular moment of crisis. From this point of view, the possibility given becomes a springboard for the couple who starts again from totally different assumptions from the previous ones. That means building a healthy relationship .
The perfect relationship or love without quarrels doesn’t exist, it’s just a utopia because healthy couples know how to discuss and find a common ground.
In love the whole person is involved, emotions, feelings, weaknesses so a love works when you learn to respect yourself first. Take into account your needs and your feelings and know how to welcome that of the other.
Before giving a second chance, ask yourself if you’re really willing to overcome the past to start over, ask yourself if you’re still in love with him and if you’re willing to trust him.
The answers you will give yourself will make you understand how much the second chance is an added value in the couple or a way to experience the couple as a fallback, based on one’s fears.
The time of being alone helps to bring out one’s uniqueness, individuality and to transform that thought that happiness depends exclusively on the other.
Being yourself in a couple is the indispensable principle that will allow you to build a stable and strong relationship.
