Most parents would like a happy, loving childhood for their child. Despite the best of intentions, however, it can happen that you have exaggerated emotional reactions, often angry, that you cannot control and that end up making you feel terribly guilty.
Many mothers, for example, report that precisely that specific behavior of the child makes them angry, almost as if he intentionally teased her: “The morning is very slow and he never leaves the house, I feel as if he wants to spite me because I have to go to work … I repeat myself to keep calm but then I lose my patience and start screaming … at that moment I would choke him … I don’t understand anything … I’m furious … and then I feel terrible for having treated him like this “or” He always has a tantrum in front of everyone and I feel so inadequate as a mom that I start screaming too. At that point he starts rolling on the ground and crying louder and louder … the more he screams, the more angry I get … he doesn’t know how embarrassed I am but I just can’t control myself … “
These are some of the typical situations that many patients tell us in therapy.
But why is all this happening? Why do our children sometimes literally make us lose control by bringing out our worst side?
Parents often act in the relationship with their children their own unresolved issues, which are at the basis of the exaggerated emotional reactions to some of their children’s behaviors. Those uncontrollable emotions of anger or even anxiety or sadness are the result of the activation of the parent’s nuclei of fragility and vulnerability. The behaviors of children in these cases are configured as real “triggers”, fuses that reactivate the dysfunctional negative cognitions and negative emotions that the parent carries with him from his history and his life experiences.
How to handle all this?
If we realize that our reactions to some of our children’s behaviors are exaggerated and ineffective, with negative effects on the relationship and well-being of our children, we can begin to follow some suggestions.
- We increase self-awareness . First, we try to monitor those situations that generally blow our nerves, make our anger mount, and to identify the first signs of anger and nervousness. Once we have these signs, we try to take an “emotional break”. Emotions have a beginning, an intermediate phase, a peak and then decrease, it’s a matter of time. You can count to a hundred, breathe slowly and deeply or change rooms for a few minutes. The important thing is not to act when we feel that the emotion is at the peak of its intensity, that is when we understand that we are too angry, agitated or sad.
- Let’s try to reflect on the situation. It is important to try to ask yourself what negative thoughts are triggering your child’s behavior and to try to reflect on how they might feel. The negative emotions of the parent who feels they are in trouble with their child are the light that warns and invites them to connect with their internal world to understand what is happening.
- Let’s not be massacred by the sense of guilt, but let’s use it as a push for change. The perfect parent does not exist, but there is a good enough parent, who is the one who asks questions, who tries to understand how his child can feel, who wonders about the effects of his reactions and what he can do to improve the situation .
If, despite our efforts, the relationship with our child continues to be a source of discomfort and frustration, we can ask for help from a professional , who can help us understand and manage what is happening to us, in order to have relationships with our children. more serene and fulfilling, fundamental for the future well-being of our children.
