There was a time when families were trying to conceive one last child. She had to be a woman and, consciously or not, she was brought up so as not to form her own family and accept her role in life, which was predetermined in advance: she would be her parents’ “old age stick”, the person who she would accompany and take care of them in the last years of their lives.
Also known as “anchor children”, within the family this phenomenon is considered as the “blessing” of being together, but if you pay more attention you can also perceive notes of resentment, frustration or even regret. Today many parents inadvertently continue to trap their children in the web of their needs, fears and insecurities.
When children are conceived as a possession
Children come into this world to be free and they need freedom to build their lives. They must be able to develop their own beliefs, make their own mistakes, make their own decisions and shape their own identity. Parents’ job is to help them explore the world with confidence, so that they become increasingly autonomous and independent and walk their own path with confidence.
However, when parents bond emotionally with a child, they become obstacles to his or her development. Some parents, in fact, begin to conceive the fate of their children practically from the moment they are born. In this case we are dealing with children conceived to satisfy the needs of their parents and not for life. These are children who are conceived as a property.
These parents anticipate their future because they only see this child as a refuge from loneliness or a caregiver in old age. Some also hope that the “anchor” child will take over his siblings or carry on the family tradition, as well as the parent’s business.
These parents think that the child is their exclusive property, as if it were an object. They do not realize that he is an independent person who has to build his life and did not come into the world to satisfy their needs. It is as if the umbilical cord has never been severed, so every time the child claims some independence, the parents tie him tighter to prevent him from abandoning the family.
In reality, parents who use their children as an anchor or stick are victims of their own fears and insecurities. Because they don’t overcome them, they pass them on to their children. In a certain sense, they have set in motion a mechanism of emotional manipulation based on the sacrifice and sacredness of family ties to “force” them to stay with them and not form their own family. But most of them are unaware of the harm caused by these responsibilities.
A son anchored to his parents’ misfortunes
The “staff of old age” daughter or the “anchor” son are raised expressly to meet their parents’ expectations, so it’s no surprise that they end up seeing the world through their eyes. From the earliest years they are instilled that the peace of mind and parental wishes should prevail over their interests.
Phrases like “you can’t go on that trip because I will suffer a lot if something happens to you” or “don’t be late because I won’t be able to sleep thinking that something will happen to you” reflect a real but also self-centered concern of parents, who put their fears before their tranquility to a child’s desire to explore or a teenager’s desire to have fun. That overprotection, rather than protecting, ends up incapacitating their children.
From an early age, these children learn to give in to their parents’ wishes as they develop guilt . They assume they cannot lead the life they would like because their parents do not approve of it. In the long run, they may even feel that they are unable to build an independent life simply because they haven’t had the opportunity to test their skills.
Children perceive these mandates and respect them out of blind filial love, out of fidelity to their parents and to the values they have instilled in them. This is how a dependency relationship is built. Faithful to that sort of implicit pact that they have signed in their hearts without considering the consequences, many children give up their lives to continue living with their parents and even when they manage to start a family, the parents’ excessive demands generate conflicts, problems and disagreements in their relationship.
The mandate is to take responsibility for the well-being and happiness of their parents, whatever the cost. Of course, this involves carrying a huge emotional burden because no one should have to take responsibility for another’s happiness.
“Anchor” children feel guilty just thinking about leading an independent life. And if they try to fly off and cut the umbilical cord, they end up branded as “denatured children,” even if in reality they just go their own way.
How to get out of the vicious circle and develop healthy love?
In general, this type of relationship tends to generate intense love-hate feelings towards the parents. In fact, in many cases this situation becomes a latent conflict with continuous demands from both parties, who almost always feel dissatisfied with the other’s needs/dedication. When this relationship persists over time, it becomes unhealthy, generating an irrational and neurotic affect.
This relationship also usually results in frustrated children with low expectations in life. Insecure and dissatisfied children who have given up their existence and their happiness to please their parents. Children who ignore their own needs and desires in favor of a presumed love. In fact, often after the death of their parents, the “anchor” children feel alone and don’t know what to do with their lives because they have never experienced the freedom to decide.
To break this toxic vicious circle, it is important for parents to be aware that their words, attitudes, fears, insecurities and expectations bind their children, placing a heavy burden on their shoulders that does not correspond to them and prevents them from living freely.
In that case, as a parent you can say, “my child, I set you free. I free you from taking care of my loneliness, my problems, my fears, my insecurities, my unfulfilled dreams and shortcomings. I give you wings so that you can fly in total freedom and build the life you’ve always dreamed of”.
On the other hand, if you are an “anchor” child, you need to free yourself from the burden that your parents have placed on you without your consent. You can help them through their old age and be by their side when they need it, but their happiness is not your responsibility. You don’t have to stick with them for life. You have the right to build your life without feeling guilty.
Let us remember that, as parents, the best gift we can give our children is freedom. The greatness of a good father or mother is in raising people who are free, secure, independent, and self-determined. It consists of giving their children wings and teaching them to fly.
