Relationships are a complex art that involves balancing giving and receiving. We give love. We compromise. We sacrifice. We invest our time. We bare our emotions. We strive. And we hope to get the same in return.
This expectation of reciprocity is based, fundamentally, on a belief in a kind of universal justice. We believe that, sooner or later, everything we have given will be returned to us. We are convinced that the universe somehow keeps a sort of archive where it records our good deeds and, sooner or later, it will take care of returning them to us.
But the transactional mindset will only lead to frustration and disappointment because life is unfair , the universe doesn’t keep records, and people don’t always give us back what we give them.
The principles behind the transactional mindset
Many people unconsciously develop a transactional mindset. This type of mentality is based on two fundamental principles:
- Evaluate the transaction against the relationship. The transactionally minded person focuses more on what she will receive than on the quality of the relationship she is forming. She gives love because he expects love. She helps the other because he expects the other to help her. She commits herself because she hopes they won’t leave her alone. She turns the relationship into a sort of “investment account” where she only deposits attention, care and time because she expects to receive exactly the same in return.
- Prioritize your own needs over those of others. While transactionally minded people may appear to be highly committed, committed, and selfless, their ultimate goal is actually “commercial.” They form relationships hoping that others will meet their needs and, if necessary, take a back seat to prioritize them. Their approach is basically self-centered because they try to use others as chess pieces that they can move around as they please.
These people believe that helping and loving is a sort of blank check that others must be willing to pay at any time. Their transactional mentality prevents them from understanding that help and love are not bargaining chips and are given without asking or expecting anything in return.
The trap of the transactional mindset
The main problem with the transactional mindset is that the person subordinates relationships to the benefits he can get. See interpersonal relationships as an exchange to be profited from, usually in emotional terms. However, he is unlikely to acknowledge his ulterior motives since the transactional mindset is so ingrained that he believes it is normal and to be expected.
In reality, these are people who are unable to satisfy their own needs and try to satisfy them through others. They hate loneliness and look for someone to keep them company. They don’t love each other enough and are looking for someone to love them. They do not take into account the fact that the other also has his priorities, his needs and his goals in life, which do not always coincide with his.
In the long run, the transactional mindset tends to make these people overly demanding. They are specialists in making the other feel bad if they don’t get what they want by resorting to different incriminating manipulation techniques.
In fact, dealing with a person who has this kind of mindset can be very confusing and frustrating. Chances are, our instincts make us distrust that generosity, dedication, and sacrifice. However, this distrust can also make us feel guilty, as if we are ungrateful, after “all they have done for us”.
In reality, what happens is that these people “catch” us in their nets. Although we are not always fully aware of it, in a certain way we sense that we are contracting relational debts which we will then have to pay dearly.
Don’t expect what you give, give what you are
The alternative to the transactional mindset is to cultivate a sensitive mindset. When we assume a sensitive mindset we are able to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes instead of adopting an egocentric posture. We stop binding others with relationship debts in exchange for our favors. We understand that no one owes us anything.
We begin to understand that while we don’t receive everything we give, we give who we are, and that’s what really matters. So let’s stop looking for love and give love. We stop looking for companionship and offer companionship. Let’s stop looking for support and offer support.
The sensitive mind helps the other because that act makes it feel good, not because it expects to receive something in return. Let’s stop marketing relationships and accounting for favors. Then we can celebrate every gesture of love, every small sacrifice and every reciprocated commitment as a great gift.
