Not only the children, the couples also suffered during the lockdown. In China the number of separations and divorces has already grown . In Italy, in addition to escapes, regressions – the desire to be cared for and pampered, the fear of leaving the “nest” – which concern not only the little ones but also the adults who in some cases have struggled to return to life normal, the one they had before the lockdown.
Accustomed to spending 24 hours together, there are those who feel the nostalgia of their partner at the resumption of work and normal rhythms of life, but there are also those who felt this feeling before, when they were both under the same roof, but there were no longer many topics and projects to share.
″ It is difficult to generalize – says Valentina Di Mattei, associate professor of psychology at the Vita-Salute San Raffaele University of Milan and clinical psychologist at the IRCCS San Raffaele Hospital in Milan -. There is still no scientific literature on the matter and what we know we deduce from the clinical observation of the patients and from how people have behaved in a general way in this situation. In some cases, spending a lot of time together on the functioning of the couple was a good opportunity to get to know each other better, to understand the work commitment of the partner and to redistribute the load of responsibility within the family. But it wasn’t easy for everyone. Like the children, there were also adults who suffered. ”
What general impact has smartworking had on couple life?
The premise is that this is not the right time to give a definitive opinion on the psychological impact of smartworking on people’s lives. The context was very particular, outside the house there was a dramatic and stressful situation. We suddenly found ourselves in this working condition, without training on technical and relational aspects, on how to manage our business in a context contaminated by many other aspects. It was certainly a source of stress on the one hand, but for many it was also a way of seeing each other at work, as much as one was committed. And then the gender issue came up: many families include children and at the beginning the management was mainly entrusted to mothers. What then emerged is that in many nuclei there has been a redistribution of both domestic and family management duties. A novelty for many dads. And not only in Italy. This is the classic potential that comes out of a crisis situation.
Does sharing not only private but also working life have consequences for couple stability?
It was a mutual discovery. Not just for men. Many women saw their companions at work, touched by hand what was the commitment, the type of work, the load. The fact that they found themselves in a new condition, sometimes even for the first time, spending so much time together has affected the functioning of the couple. There are many aspects to consider, each couple has its vulnerability aspects to which in this case various types of stress related to the external situation have been added: concrete aspects, such as living in small environments, environments that encourage conflict, the possibility or less to access outdoor spaces, the presence of problematic situations relating to work, the possible presence of the disease in the family. It depends on how the couples got to this moment. It depends on the presence of certain personality traits or mental problems and disorders. There are several studies on lockdown in other epidemics: the population most at risk is the one that is most vulnerable from a mental point of view and this clearly affects family relationships. We also saw who then struggled to exit after the lockdown, who appreciated this isolation situation.
There are those who now with the end of smartworking miss their partner, as if it were a mourning to be worked out.
From a psychological point of view, there was a regressive moment, a closing away from external reality and an approach to the more intimate aspects. There have been two stages. At the beginning it was more a complaint about being always with your partner, then over time there are those who have sat down on this limited, protected and safe reality. It always depends on some aspects of individual functioning and then as a couple. Those with more introverted traits, with few relationships, are comfortable in a dynamic of this type. Those who derive more satisfaction and pleasure from having more relationships with the outside have suffered more. Studies have been made: those who were characterized by a greater tendency towards introversion not only experienced this period better but also appreciated it.
So not only children but adults are also at risk of regressing the lockdown?
In children and in the dynamics of the child’s mental functioning, the regression movements are physiological. Children are elastic, they typically go back when a stressful situation occurs. For example, peeing in bed can be an outdated phase that comes back in a stressful situation. But it is normal. In adults, however, it is less physiological, it is a mental functioning more typical of the disease. This regression mechanism occurs for example in always being in pajamas, in bed, being cared for by family members. There are those who after a while “take pleasure” in returning to a situation of dependence, of absence of responsibility.
Returning to the “normal” functioning of couples: in an article in the New York Times we talk about nostalgia even during the lockdown. Sharing all that time together took away topics from the conversation, enthusiasm for adventures to plan …
One of the main labors from an emotional and psychological point of view was having to share both quantity and quality. There have been couples who have always been together and others always in separate rooms. It is the usual problem of finding balance in being together as a couple and having your own spaces of independence that enrich being together. There are also those who have experienced the lockdown from separate, in different houses, for different reasons. And if the initial starting point was in good balance, this worked as a stimulus. I have my doubts about who started a cohabitation during the lockdown. Perhaps the beginning, with the typical desire to always be together, may have worked, but the risk of “getting burned” is in this case very high.
In this phase three what should couples do to feel good, to return to reality faster?
Our mind has a great capacity to adapt and adapt to situations with a certain elasticity. The more gradual the return, the easier it will be to adapt and return to balances which, however, will no longer be exactly like the previous ones. Certainly things happened in couples, both positive and negative. And these aspects will have to be assimilated in one’s daily life. However, one should not delude oneself: if important conflicts have emerged, they will not physiologically return with the return to normal. It can be an opportunity to seek specialist help, as a couple. We can expect this lockdown to have triggered aspects that can be seen by a professional if they persist.
