Human beings are animals of habit, even in emotional relationships. If others take us for granted perhaps we should re-evaluate the premises of our way of living some relationships.
Do others take us for granted or are we the ones who fail to present our needs? How come a relationship that started with an overwhelming falling in love slowly fades into a tired routine ? And what about colleagues or bosses who now automatically demand our availability while others next to us ask for holidays and leave?
Relationships are never “done” once and for all , to remain fair and vital they require constant maintenance, taking them too much for granted risks making us lose sight of each other or our own needs.
If others take us for granted is that bad?
In reality, taking for granted in an emotional relationship is not necessarily bad, it depends on what we mean by this terminology. As human beings we are naturally inclined to get used, within intimate relationships , to certain modes of interaction that repeat themselves over time and to create shared expectations on how two people support each other, on how they spend their free time, on how much they respect and encourage mutual autonomy, on how they intend to reciprocate and show affection, on the ways in which to quarrel (or silence conflicts) and much more …
In other words: the fact that an emotional relationship acquires characteristics of familiarity and predictability is part of the way our attachment system works from early childhood: we learn to refer to those people who show us, in the most coherent and stable as possible, support and support.
Perceiving other people as predictable allows us to consider them reliable and therefore sources of stable emotional bonds. In this sense, an apparently routine kiss between two partners does not necessarily have less emotional value than a passionate kiss between two new lovers, but it can testify to how much the two, sharing a life together, feel they can rely on the presence of the other and that kiss can testify: it is the kiss of those who can say goodbye, counting on seeing each other again later.
It is quite another to fall into a tired routine or to perceive that, in the face of our giving and working for them, others take us for granted without considering the value of our contribution, or showing interest in our person. Situations like these are only apparently similar to the previous one, in reality they are the opposite because it is the emotional intimacy and mutual trust that fail .
Others take us for granted: what about us?
Sometimes if others take us for granted it may be that without realizing it we too are contributing to maintaining a misaligned relationship.
The victim is an emotional factor often present in these situations: if we realize that we are people who give more attention to the needs of others rather than their own, though easily we put aside our needs to adapt to other people’s requests (some have a strong sensitivity and they manage to do it without the other even having to speak) sooner or more the time will come when we will receive a strong disappointment .
The other will not prove ready to reciprocate our dedication or will disappoint us in something, our reaction could be that of feeling victims, unjustly damaged by the other’s shortcomings with the risk of feeling helpless and confused about what did not work in that relationship. , about why that person turned out to be so different from what we had imagined.
When self-sacrifice and exclusive dedication to the desires of the other are used to establish an emotional bond, it can easily happen that the other comes to take us for granted , not only for his evident lack of interest, but also because, by giving up to express our needs, we gave up making ourselves known and really knowing who we were in front of (how much the other is compatible with our desires and ways of understanding a relationship we will be able to discover it only by manifesting what we have in mind, not modeling ourselves on his desires ).
Don’t take yourself for granted: take care of relationships
A few years ago Umberta Telfener wrote a very enlightening book on the subject entitled The maintenance of love . The premise is precisely this: relationships, and especially the most emotionally important ones, are not given once and for all, not even when two people get married or start a house.
The myth of the “stability” of a couple, for example, can be misleading: no relationship can remain healthy and vital , continue to be satisfying and fulfilling, if it is not subject to change and if the two partners do not pay attention to the way in which they work together and they feel inside the relationship.
One of the worst enemies, both of couple and family relationships (and why not even work ones at times) is the fear of change . Yet life inalienable places us in front of more or less great existential changes which in any case require us to modify aspects of our own identity.
Those who share a path or a phase of life with another person have the advantage of being able to count on the presence of the other to change together by re-adapting to the new needs that everyone’s life proposes.
