Nonviolent communication or CNV is a specific approach to communication. It is based on language skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even in adverse conditions.
According to Marshall Rosemberg, author of the book Non-violent Comunication, the CNV helps us to reshape the way in which we express ourselves and listen to others.
Nonviolent communication means understanding how the way you communicate can affect another person and work to improve it. Have you ever stopped to think about how you talk to your family, friends, coworkers, and strangers?
Depending on the situation, it is common to change the speech. At a barbecue with the family, we are more casual. We use slang and laugh more because we feel comfortable among people we love and know well. At a work event, we maintain a more serious attitude and seek to enrich our vocabulary.
The problem lies when the words and tones used cause suffering or discomfort to others, transforming simple situations into catastrophic ones. To be effective, verbal communication needs to contain a mixture of clarity, assertiveness and kindness.
What is nonviolent communication?
It is an approach aimed at reframing speech, making it softer and more empathetic. Communication without violence proposes reflection on the way we communicate, including with people “that the saint does not beat”, a group that we generally do not strive to please.
According to the Center for Nonviolent Communication , an international non-governmental organization that promotes the approach, it is born out of a state of compassion when there is no violence at heart. In other words, when we are well with ourselves and do not carry hurt or resentment, we are able to convey only good things to the world.
This premise is based on the thought that everyone has a degree of compassion, but as people interact and learn about the world, they develop defense mechanisms based on violence to survive. In this way, compassion is momentarily forgotten. This moment, however, can last for months or years.
In order to learn to communicate healthily with the people around us, we need to understand the origin of living “armed”. Only then will it be possible to replace this negative form of dialogue with a positive one.
Why practice nonviolent communication?
Today, there are many discussions about what can and cannot be said. Many people are irritated by the idea of possible censorship because they believe that the criticism is about the personality, the inner self. Others blame listeners for being too sensitive or misinterpreting.
This reflection, however, is necessary simply because communication affects all aspects of our lives. It is impossible to live completely alone and not receive help or opportunities from others to grow, either personally or professionally. We depend on people for our survival.
So why can’t the way we communicate be cordial, polite, fun and empathic all the time?
Many bad situations can be avoided with just a minimum effort in communication. Sometimes we offend a loved one and endanger a beautiful bond of friendship just by expressing ourselves inappropriately.
When we express ourselves with cohesion and lightness, we win the admiration, respect and trust of everyone around us. In this way:
- Interpersonal relationships (family, friends) improve;
- People want to be closer;
- The corporate environment becomes more pleasant;
- Colleagues are more willing to help and facilitate processes at work;
- Professional connections are made without stress.
Changing old patterns
People repeat patterns of behavior learned at home. If in a family nucleus it is common to speak rudely, insult and make fun of others, the child learns this behavior and replicates it. The logic is the same when the environment is warm and full of kind words.
Nonviolent communication is not taught to us. We are rarely aware of the inattentive way we communicate with others. You may hear many comments about your coldness or rudeness, and you don’t know why.
Of course, there are cases of people who choose to be disrespectful for a hundred reasons, such as, for example, masking insecurities or arrogance. The focus of this article, however, is you who want to change negative patterns and improve the way you communicate.
The self – knowledge is essential in this process to guide you to the points that need to be modified. For that, you need to be open to listen to the thoughts, criticisms and suggestions of those who love you.
Above all, you must be prepared to reconnect with the compassion dormant within you.
Being compassionate is not the same as accepting insults. It means knowing how to prevent this type of situation, being sincere and empathetic, and responding to circumstances that cause sadness, frustration or anger.
Another obstacle that prevents people interested in this approach from moving forward is the thought of “why change if everyone is going to stay the same?” .. People stressed with their jobs, for example, do not feel like smiling and being kind to people who collaborate for the bad environment.
Don’t worry about other people’s behavior. The important thing is that you will be making a difference by changing your attitude.
The step-by-step to apply non-violent communication
Perhaps the champion of complaints of violent communication and verbal aggression is the workplace. Egocentric bosses, individualistic colleagues and demanding customers. There are dozens of social interactions per day and, understandably, stress arises when these are negative.
Similarly, the family environment can be the cause of major conflicts if we do not know how to deal with criticisms and guesses from relatives. But we must not forget the neighbors, the acquaintances, the friends of friends.
In short, there can be disagreements in any social situation. We cannot get away from everything and everyone, so it is up to us to exercise non-violent communication in order to relate well with everyone.
Understanding the situation
We cannot control the actions of others, but we can change our reaction to them. Instead of shouting and fighting together when you find yourself at an impasse, separate reality from personal judgments.
Why is this person behaving like this? Is it a personal attack? Probably not. Take a deep breath and don’t let yourself be shaken. Analyze the race for what it really is and not through the lens of your emotions.
If you do not have this knowledge completely, put the pieces of what you were able to capture in the air and create a guess just for yourself. “My boss is an idiot!” consequently it turns into “My boss is having a bad day because that situation X is very unpleasant. He is overwhelmed, and is unable to meet all of his commitments as he would like. When he was rude to me, I was frustrated because it’s not my fault that his schedule is full ”.
This justification combats judgments and the desire to insult the person and also makes clear what our role is in this situation. We get emotional intelligence from the moment we stop resenting the other’s attitude, especially when it has nothing to do with us.
Mastery of emotions
With the mastery of emotions, it is easy to find answers and solutions to reverse the conflict. If you get carried away with anger , you may end up saying what you shouldn’t. Mastering our reactions in the heat of the moment is one of the main benefits of practicing non-violent communication .
Once you understand the nature of the conflict, focus on your emotions. Name each one, without missing anything. How did you feel? Do not take into account the other person’s attitude. Think only of your feeling. Saying “I’m upset” is different from “you did something that upset me”.
Expressing the first sentence is easier than the second and guarantees a more comprehensive reaction since there is no personal attack. That way, you’ll be able to understand what you feel more rationally and know exactly when and how to start a conversation.
Identification of needs
Dialogue happens because we need something, be it information, entertainment, curiosity, reporting a mistake or asking for help. Once you are sure of your feelings, the next step is to analyze the need present in them. Was this accomplished or not? What do you need it to be?
When explaining why you were upset, replace “I am upset because you were rude” with “I am upset because I would like to be heard”. The desire to have this need met is subtly expressed. The key here is to be a little selfish and focus on what you need.
“I am sad because you shouted at me” becomes “I am sad because I would like to have a quiet conversation on a certain subject” or “I am sad because I would like to be understood”.
Sincere request
Be honest with yourself in order to be honest with others. Do not hide your feelings to play games. When placing orders, do so with the intention of improving your situation and that of the other person. Say “I want our relationship to be more sincere because I feel lost when I don’t get concrete answers”.
Bonus tip: empathize
The empathy is the foundation of this communicative approach. It helps to combat misjudgments. Although each person is different, we have similar experiences. Basically, we aim for the same thing (happiness and peace) but in different formats.
