The reason for this title is the surprise with which we discovered in the consultation how the people who ask us for help are influenced by family and social values, sometimes making a trench or shelter against the problem they bring, and sometimes reinforcing torture suffering.
Although the concept of morality has a religious tint, we will rely on it to illustrate what happens when personal values become rigid and do not admit second chances, marking a red and explosive line between what is right and what is wrong. And it is that people who live at the crossroads can be forced by the context to act against their own schemes, generating suffering and crises that cost a lot to solve.
In this article we will explain what happens when inside a person, guidelines or norms that lead to anguish are forged and how it can be solved to finally allow a break and move forward calmly. After all, this is what resilience is about facing adverse events successfully.
- Related article: ” What is morality? Discovering the development of ethics in childhood“
The importance of values in psychotherapy
We consider values as those ideas, attitudes, philosophies to which the person gives value ; and if it is also consistent with these values, it is the person himself who acquires value in his own eyes.
It does not matter much if the values come from social, family or cultural norms, the important thing is that they become entrenched in the human being, strengthening their capacity to resolve the conflicts that life raises, generating security and motivating the search for experiences that add to the human being in his repertoire of pleasant memories.
Although the opposite may also happen, do not strengthen the human being but crucify him and deprive him of his dignity. This is the case of people who feel they must fulfill their values, succeed, be responsible and good people, etc. In these cases there is an unease, sometimes like a mallet on his head that dictates sentence, other times like a knife that sticks in the heart, and the pain is unbearable, because it is never enough do what they do: there are always errors that point out, stumbles to punish , and failures that warn as a bad omen.
Likewise, there may also be an absence of values, resulting in a response of indifference to events. In these cases, psychologically, we would talk about very serious problems that would prevent introspection or healthy bonding with other people.
The difference is critical depending on whether the same relationship of a person with their values leads to suffering , comfort or indifference, since this determines the way to walk towards what is desired, to see others, to think about alternatives, to resolve conflicts, to look to the past, to contemplate the future, etc.
- You may be interested: ” The 10 types of values: principles that govern our lives“
When the values turn against you
The values always start from an apprenticeship , the same that we receive from the people who saw us born, who gave us life and introduced us to the world. Emotional Intelligence places great emphasis on this aspect, not so much in what to teach, but in how to teach it, from what look or emotional state.
We usually find people in consultation who try to resolve conflicts with themselves, and not only with the event that has unbalanced them. While we listen to them, we perceive the way of speaking . That is, they can criticize themselves for not having acted, express that they will never be able to express what they feel, stay anchored in “I don’t want to think about it, no, no, no …”. When we deepen and patients are aware of this way of communicating with themselves, we find that relationship with their referents.
These problems are frequent having lived with fathers and mothers who were afraid when their child suffered and responded anxiously (“do not worry, do not worry!”), Or who firmly believed “the letter with blood enters” (” if you do not study, I will sign you up for a military school to learn to value the effort ”), or that due to the economic burden and the pressure of the work they could not be aware of the emotional state of their children (having them so small to solve conflicts without wanting to tell anyone).
If no one has paid attention to this learning, these children will reach an adult world where they will surely replicate this way of relating, increasing the likelihood of developing anxiety disorders, depression and obsessive disorders , which are usually diseases resulting from a system that cannot deal with all the remains that are raised.
When values become virtue and resilience
Safe, calm and attentive referents transmit the same values, but in this sense there is a big difference. Safety does not mean in any case “whatever happens you can with everything” , Mr. Wonderful style message that conveys anxiety beyond the over stimulation that produces an illusion of control. The true meaning of security, as an emotional state, is knowing how to be present, things go well or badly, right or wrong, since the really important thing is the relationship, not the result.
An adult who acknowledges that he is wrong, even if he fucks, is a safe adult, since his son or daughter will look at him with the same eyes, who will observe “what has happened” when he has failed or harmed himself, and will leave a child side the “what have you done”, that message so counterproductive that is loaded with guilt.
What is transmitting from security? That there is always the possibility to choose, that not everything is to fight, that you can surrender to lick your wounds, that the force is in tranquility and not in aggressiveness, that dissenting from the opinion of the adult is a right, that you are loved both in good times and in bad times.
Patients who have received this type of Secure Attachment, are able to experience what is outside their internal rules to explore more options and not fall into eternal punishment, learn from the result and always choose, essential to adapt to the world.
What can be done when the battle of courage makes you suffer?
Although we have focused on fathers and mothers as referents, all people can exercise as falling into the mistakes we have seen. And that is the key, that values are reinforced when they work with other people . We are social beings, we need others, even if they have the capacity to harm us, hence the benefit of being selective.
Anyone who has grown up with internal messages that block him, harm him, saturate him … has lived positive experiences on his own, part of the growth process (experiences in the university, related to work, sports, sports, art, with being a father or mother, etc.), only that his brain until now only selected those memories that are closely linked with internal messages, hence when they come to the office they express that “I have always been wrong”.
Teaching that mind with resources its own capabilities is part of the work we do in Therapeutic in Alza , transmitting security from calm and professionalism, always respecting what the person who suffers wants to achieve, maintain their own values, which always worked as a whip that imposed the punishment, and now they will become that companion who helps, with effort and perseverance, to carve the way towards a possible future.