A relationship contract is an agreement about how your interactions will work now and in the future if circumstances change. This is what is also called “putting important things out in words” or “deciding on the shore.” A contract helps build more trusting and understandable relationships because you know what to expect.
Although in reality, a kind of relationship contract exists, even if you haven’t discussed anything. It is formed by social stereotypes. For example, it is believed that partners will be faithful to each other , a woman is responsible for the household, a man is responsible for earnings, when a child is born the wife will go on maternity leave, the children will stay with her in the event of a divorce… You can easily continue this series.
However, people are different, and not everyone is ready to support the default rules. For example, in a man’s family, his mother worked all her life and took care of the household. And his father occasionally changed light bulbs and went fishing every weekend. In his worldview, this is natural and normal. But his partner grew up in different conditions and this is strange for her. At the same time, she comes from a large family and thinks that she will give birth more than once or twice. It never occurs to our heroine that someone might not want this.
A relationship contract helps you discuss expectations and values, find out if they match, and determine what rules your couple will live by.
How to write a relationship contract
Of course, this does not mean a document with seals, certified by a notary . Although if you have a strong Sheldon Cooper spirit, you can formalize the agreements on paper. It is more about sitting down and talking through the important points. And it does not necessarily have to be one detailed conversation. This can be done sequentially.
What to agree on, each couple will have to decide for themselves. Because everyone has their own sensitive topics. But there are several universal questions that would be worth discussing. Some of them will be hypothetical, because the event itself may or may not happen. But it is still important to discuss them in advance, so that there are no unpleasant surprises later.
- What are your long-term plans for life and how do they match up? Where do you want to live? What do you want to achieve?
- What will your budget be? How will you manage your finances, keep your household books, and so on?
- How much time would you like to spend together?
- What happens if one of the partners loses their job?
- How are household chores divided in your couple?
- How will you try to resolve controversial issues?
- Is your relationship exclusive or does it allow for extramarital affairs?
- What is cheating for you – sex, a romantic relationship, texting, actively liking someone you like?
- Do you want children? How many and when?
- If you both want children, but it turns out that one of the partners cannot have a child, what will you do?
- Who will go on maternity leave? Who will take the child to the doctor, interact with the school and kindergarten? How will responsibilities be divided?
- In case of divorce, who will the child stay with and how will his interaction with the other parent be structured?
The list can go on. But it is important that at the end of the discussion you come to some conclusion. For example, that you are in a monogamous relationship, have separate budgets , but discuss large expenses; the partner can easily break off for a weekend with friends, but will warn about this a few days in advance so that the other can make plans; you will live in the city for now, but would like to spend your old age in the village
Does the relationship contract guarantee that agreements will be kept?
Of course not, because relationships are complicated things. For example, a couple can agree that if one of the partners falls in love with someone else, he or she will tell you honestly, and you will think together about what to do next. In reality, the person may be ashamed, scared. He or she will hide their feelings until the very end, and they will turn into a relationship on the side. It will be too late to decide anything together, because trust is undermined.
So a relationship contract makes life easier, but it doesn’t guarantee that everything will be easy and cloudless.
Is it possible to revise a relationship contract?
Life is long, circumstances can change. So it’s worth returning to key issues periodically and discussing them again. Ideally, set a time frame in which you do this. But if you feel that something important has changed, you can do this at any time.
