How to spot a dangerous man before getting involved by Sandra L. Brown describes eight types of dangerous men, examines why some women are attracted to dangerous men, gives red flags and red warnings to each, and contains stories of successes and failures. This book is intended for “all women who have a history of bad relationships and want to regain control of their lives.”
A clash of prejudices
It took me a while to figure out exactly what was wrong with this book. I have seen more than my fair share of women hurt by what Sandra Brown calls “dangerous men” and wish we were better at preparing our children to acknowledge when they are being manipulated, used or abused so that they can protect themselves. But something just did not feel right about the way this useful information was presented.
Then it hit me. Sandra Brown’s bias is that so-called dangerous men are so fundamentally flawed that there is no point in getting involved with these men or staying with them if you are already in a relationship, because they will never stop. be dangerous, or stop using you to meet their own needs. My personal bias is the opposite. I believe that everyone is capable of change and that relationships take work and dedication.
However, if a man is physically or sexually violent towards you or your children, you should get that far away from him immediately.
As a reader, you need to make up your own mind about whether you believe the man you may be interested in is dangerous and worth the risks outlined in this book.
The Eight Types of Dangerous Man
Dangerous men, defined as “pathological and personality disordered”, are presented as eight different types, some of which overlap in the same man.
In particular, “the addict ” overlaps with all the other types.
Brown identifies the eight types of dangerous men as:
- The PermanentClinger – No one, self-identified victims whose main danger is to suck life out of you.
- TheParent Seeker -Immature men who want you to take care of them.
- The Emotionally Unavailable Man – Butwho is already committed to another partner and will not commit to you.
- The Man With The Hidden Life-But that hides secrets that need to be revealed to a partner, such as children, illness, a criminal past or an addiction.
- The Mentally Ill Man – Aman at any level of functioning who has a mental illness.
- The Addict-This catch-all category includes any man who has any form of addiction, including alcohol and drugs , sex , gambling , food and a number of other behaviors, including work.
- The Abuse or Violent Man – Butwhich is insulting in any way, including emotional , physical and sexual abuse .
- The Emotional Predator-But watching and tormenting vulnerable women, including psychopaths.
Why these categories can be misleading
This stereotyping of men is stigmatizing and therefore harmful. Many people go through problems that can be identified in these categories, but it does not pose them in the same way as criminals and psychopaths.
Many people with addictions and mental health problems have relationships with their partners and families, and many people with and without addictions go through this struggle in their lives without being dangerous.
Dangerous men defined too broad
There are definitely a lot of dangerous men out there, especially in the world of addictions. This book is aimed at mocking potentially dangerous romantic partners, but drug dealers and pimps can also especially exploit women involved in the world of illegal drugs and sex work , and it makes sense if you are involved in this world to stay up to date and avoid injuring yourself.
But most of the men discussed in this book are not as clearly dangerous as drug dealers and pimps. And this is where it all gets difficult. The premise of the book is to become a dangerous man before he gets involved, which makes the whole idea that people are innocent until found innocent. Sure, once a man has behaved in a way that shows disrespect, you have something to evaluate, but much of Brown’s advice focuses on following your intricate intuition, which basically means any feeling of discomfort.
Weaknesses in the arguments
I realize that Brown’s perspective is based on many years of working with abused women, so she’s seen some of the worst situations that have arisen by women close to dangerous men. But warning women to stay away from potential rapists or murderers is excessive cruelty, and as she points out, these men go to great lengths to be charming and normal. So I am not convinced that many women can “feel” or The man she met is one of these small minority men. By the way, there have also been some well-documented cases of women, child and teen psychopaths, so dangerous people are not all.
Which Women Should Focus
I think Brown identifies important red flags that may indicate that the man you are with may be harmful to you and the relationship may not be a positive force in your life, such as:
- You wish he was going away, you want to cry or you want to run.
- You’re scared of his call.
- You feel bad about yourself when you are around him.
However, some of the items on the same list are feelings that may occur in regular relationships, and may not indicate that your partner or potential partner is pathological, such as:
- You feel uncomfortable about something he said or did, and the feeling remains.
- Your past and she are very different, and the two of you have conflict over it.
- You think he’s too charming or a little “too good to be true.”
And there are even more indications that the woman actually has a problem for which she has to take responsibility, which has nothing to do with the man, such as:
- You tell friends you are unsure about the relationship.
- You feel isolated from other relationships with friends and family.
- You think you are the only one who can help / love / understand him.
Overall thoughts
In general, there is a lot of useful information in this book for women who are involved with abusive men, people of both sexes who are involved in the drug or sex industries, or who are interested in meeting a potential partner. But having a satisfying relationship is not just about the right non-dangerous man. It also requires you to think about your own weaknesses and overcome your own problems. And you will not find guidance on how to do this in how to mock a dangerous person.
