“I’m a mom, I can!” “What secrets could you possibly have from your parents?” “What kind of person are you if you don’t let them attach a listening device to your clothes and listen to what you’re chatting about with your friends in a pub?” Have you ever encountered anything like this?
If not, you are the luckiest person whose closest relatives understand perfectly what a child’s personal boundaries are and what personal boundaries are in relationships between adults and independent people. But even if this is not the case yet, everything can be fixed, and our programs ” Best Communication Techniques ” and ” Relationship Psychology ” will help with this.
And, of course, our article today is about personal boundaries – an article about how to build them and not violate them. The book “Personal Boundaries. How to Set and Defend Them” [ D. Brand-Miller, V. Lambert, 2018 ] will help us understand the topic.
Personal boundaries of a person – what are they?
Personal boundaries are an individual space that includes a person’s values, interests, hobbies, beliefs, views, emotions, as well as physical personal boundaries. Physical personal boundaries mean how close and at what distance you can approach a person so that he or she feels comfortable communicating with you.
We can say that a person’s personal boundaries are psychological, emotional, physical and social “lines” that define where the influence of other people ends and your own space, the control over which belongs only to you, begins. They help a person feel protected, respect their own and other people’s needs, and build healthy relationships.
Types of personal boundaries:
- Physical boundaries– these include your personal physical space, touch, and comfortable distance. For example, if someone stands too close, this may violate your personal physical boundaries.
- Emotional boundariesare how much you allow others to influence your feelings. For example, if someone invalidates your emotions , this can make you feel uncomfortable.
- Intellectual boundaries– these are related to respect for your views and your opinions. When your opinion is ignored or ridiculed, it is a violation of personal boundaries.
- Social boundaries– these relate to expectations in a relationship, the level of communication, the level of involvement. When you are forced into close communication that you are not comfortable with, it is an invasion of your personal space just like any other.
- Spiritual boundaries– they protect your beliefs and the right to follow your values. It is your personal business whether you are a Catholic, a Protestant or an atheist.
- Time boundaries– they determine how much time you are ready to devote to people and society. Some people are ready to be in touch 24/7, while others are unwilling to call after 7 p.m.
- Financial boundaries– they regulate your attitude to money and property. Someone is ready to borrow 10,000 rubles and not ask about the return of the debt for a couple of years, and someone lends 200 rubles and asks when he will get it back, every day.
Why are they needed – these very personal boundaries? Let’s dwell on this point in more detail.
Why do we need personal boundaries?
We have already started talking about the fact that personal boundaries are conscious limits that a person sets to protect their inner space, values, time, emotions and body. They determine what a person considers acceptable in relationships with themselves and others, help a person feel protected, respect their own and others’ needs, build healthy relationships. They play a vital role in the formation of a healthy personality, successful relationships and resistance to stress.
The meaning of a person’s personal boundaries:
- Protecting psychological and emotional health– boundaries are needed to protect your emotions and inner comfort. Otherwise, a person may experience anxiety, burnout, or a feeling of being used. Boundaries help you cope with manipulation, toxic relationships , and excessive commitment.
- Building and maintaining self-esteem– boundaries are directly related to self-respect. By setting and protecting them, a person asserts their value and shows that their wants and needs are important. The ability to say “no” to unreasonable requests shows respect for their time and resources, which strengthens self-confidence.
- Ensuring physical safety– personal boundaries cover the physical realm, protecting a person’s body from unwanted actions or intrusions. Being clear about your physical boundaries helps you avoid situations of violence, discomfort, or exploitation. This means being able to say “no” to physical contact (like hugging) in situations where it is undesirable.
- Improving the quality of relationships– Boundaries help build healthy relationships . They allow you to clearly explain your requests and expectations while respecting the boundaries of others. If a person states that he or she does not want to discuss personal topics at work, he or she demonstrates respect for himself or herself and clearly communicates his or her preferences.
- Reduced risk of emotional and physical burnout– a person who is unable to establish communication boundaries may take on too many obligations, ignore their desires and not notice fatigue, which leads to exhaustion. Limiting working hours and maintaining a balance between career and personal life protects against professional burnout.
- The ability to take responsibility only for your actions– clear boundaries help you understand what you are responsible for and what is beyond your responsibility. This reduces stress and makes decision-making easier. For example, realizing that you are not obliged to solve all the problems of your second cousin’s great-nephew frees you from excessive emotional burden.
- Strengthening independence and identity– personal boundaries help a person maintain their uniqueness and be true to themselves despite external pressure, which protects against merging with other people’s values or opinions. Thus, a person who refuses to change their beliefs for the sake of a group maintains their identity .
Identity is the idea of oneself as a unique individual with one’s own thoughts, feelings, values, and aspirations. Based on all of the above, it is easy to see why a lack of personal boundaries is harmful. If a person has no or weak boundaries, they may face a variety of problems.
Consequences of lack of personal boundaries:
- Emotional exhaustionis a state of emotional tension that results from overwork, excessive demands on oneself, or constant stress. If boundaries are not defined, a person may feel used and their needs ignored.
- Loss of self-esteem– a person who does not know how to set personal boundaries may, over time, begin to consider himself less important than those around him.
- Unhealthy relationships– a lack of personal boundaries may be perceived by some people around you as an excuse to manipulate, control, or abuse your trust.
- Anxiety and stress– frequent invasion of personal space leads to internal conflict and tension.
“Anxiety” and “ stress ” are very common terms, so let’s clarify what we mean in this case to avoid misunderstandings:
- Anxietyis a negatively colored emotion that expresses a feeling of uncertainty, the expectation of negative events, and difficult-to-define premonitions.
- Stressis a state of anxiety or mental tension caused by a difficult situation.
As we can see, each of us needs personal boundaries. Let’s talk about how to build them.
How to learn to set personal boundaries?
So, how can you learn to set personal boundaries without hurting others? What are the ways to do this? The skill of setting personal boundaries requires awareness, practice, and patience, but all this effort is worth it because personal boundaries allow you to protect your interests, maintain emotional balance, and build healthy relationships.
Setting personal boundaries can be done gently and respectfully, without causing unnecessary offense to others. Successful boundary setting depends on how you communicate your needs while maintaining respect for others. What approaches can be used to set personal boundaries?
Know your boundaries
To begin with, it is important to understand what is important to you, what irritates, exhausts or upsets you, what actions of others you are ready to accept and what you are not.
How to use:
- Make a list of situations in which you feel uncomfortable.
- Determine what result you want to achieve, for example: more time for yourself, fewer responsibilities at work.
Being clear about your needs helps you communicate them confidently, avoiding confusion and conflict.
Communicate honestly but gently
Honesty and openness are key to setting boundaries, but it’s important to choose words that don’t sound accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You’re constantly taking up my time,” you could say, “I need more time to work/ rest , so I won’t be able to talk right now.”
How to use:
- Use first-person statements to explain your feelings: “I feel uncomfortable when…”, “I need to…”, “I would like to rest today.”
- Avoid accusations and generalizations such as “You always” or “You never.” If you are unhappy with something, point to specific facts and situations that disappointed you.
This approach makes your position clear and does not cause a defensive reaction in your interlocutor.
Learn to say no with respect
Saying no is an important part of setting boundaries, but you can always say no in a polite way that doesn’t offend the other person.
How to use:
- Be clear and respectful. For example, “Thank you for the invitation, but I can’t come to your birthday party because my family and I are going out of town this weekend,” “Sorry, I can’t help right now, I need to write a report urgently.”
- Offer alternatives in the format, “I can’t meet today, but I’ll be free all next week after 5 p.m.”
This form of refusal shows that you value the other person and does not cause a desire to violate your personal boundaries.
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Set boundaries early
It’s best to set boundaries before the situation reaches a critical point. So that your refusal to work overtime is not perceived as a surprise, your plans to go fishing on Sunday do not arise when your wife has already bought tickets to the theater, etc.
How to use:
- Clearly define your personal boundaries and explain why they are what they are. For example, “I can be at work until 6 p.m., and then I need to pick up my child from kindergarten. If something urgent comes up, I can respond to a message from 8 to 10 p.m.”
- Explain what exactly you don’t like about the communication. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when I’m criticized in public. If something is wrong, can we discuss it in private?”
Proactively setting boundaries reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings and conflicts.
Use a positive tone
Even if you stand up for your position, do it with respect and warmth. Don’t be rude like “You’re annoying me, stop asking questions,” but say “I’m not ready to discuss this now, let’s talk later.”
How to use:
- Maintain a calm and confident voice and refrain from speaking in raised tones.
- Show that you respect the other person’s feelings: “I understand that this is important to you, but it’s a bit difficult for me right now.”
A friendly tone demonstrates that you do not seek to offend or reject a person. You can work on intonation and strengthen your voice in our course ” Voice and Speech Development “.
Focus on your feelings and needs
People are less likely to be offended if they understand that your actions are dictated by self-care, and not by some negative attitude towards them. If you do not make this point, most people tend to take everything personally, because most people tend to be egocentric.
How to use:
- Express your feelings and explain your reasons: “I’m tired after work and I need time to recover, so I’m not ready to go and put up a shelf in the bathroom right now.”
- Justify your decisions: “I really appreciate your participation, but in this case there are a lot of things that you don’t know, so let me do it myself.” Or simply: “I want to try to do it myself.”
This approach creates an atmosphere of understanding and does not cause resistance from the parties. Ideally, the last phrase would be appropriate in the vocabulary of preschool children when they try to do something on their own (draw, dress, tie shoelaces, unwrap a candy bar), and parents interfere with everything, rush or try to do it instead of the children. A little later we will talk about the child’s personal boundaries in more detail, but now we will continue the topic.
Acknowledge the other person’s emotions
Sometimes your personal boundaries can hurt others’ feelings simply because everyone is different. At least introverts and extroverts are. It’s important to show that you understand this and explain why you act the way you do.
How to use:
- Acknowledge emotions while maintaining your position: “I understand that this is difficult for you to hear, but it is important to me,” “I’m sorry you are upset, but I can’t do anything else.”
- Show understanding that the person was counting on you, but do not deprive your loved ones of the joy of communicating with you because someone else did not calculate their strength: “I can’t stay after work to help you with the presentation, I promised the child to be at the competition in which he is participating. If you want, I can help tomorrow morning.”
This helps avoid hurt feelings by showing that you value the other person even if you can’t accommodate them.
Practice feedback
Be clear about how your behavior is perceived by others to ensure that boundaries are set appropriately.
How to use:
- After an important conversation, be sure to ask your interlocutor if he understands everything.
- Be sure to clarify whether the other person is ready to fulfill your request and when he or she will be ready to do what you ask.
Dialogue helps to establish trust and avoid misunderstandings. Remember that not only you have personal boundaries, but also the people around you.
Respect the boundaries of others
If you demand respect for your personal boundaries, it is important to respect others’ boundaries.
How to use:
- Ask your interlocutor for his or her opinion: “When would be a good time to discuss the plan for preparing for the exhibition?”, “Will you be able to go to the theatre with me if I buy tickets for next Sunday?”
- Don’t push people if they say “no”. It’s probably because they’re busy and not because they dislike you personally.
It may sound corny, but if you respect other people’s boundaries, they are more likely to do the same in return.
Be prepared for resistance
Sometimes others may react negatively to your new boundaries, especially if you haven’t set them before.
How to use:
- Stay calm and firm: “Before, I could go play football with you every evening, but now I will be taking English classes three times a week because I urgently need to improve my language skills for a business trip abroad.”
- Remind them that your actions are not against anyone, but for yourself: “It’s not about you, but about the fact that I’m actually busier this month than before.”
Consistency in your actions and communications helps others get used to the new rules. You can learn all this in our programs ” Best Communication Techniques ” and ” Psychology of Relationships “.
As we can see, it is quite possible to form personal boundaries without offending others. To make it easier for you to cope with this, we offer you a selection of ready-made phrases for defending personal boundaries in different situations in addition to those we have already considered. These phrases will help you confidently and respectfully protect your interests.
Phrases at work when you are asked to take on an extra task when you are under heavy workload:
- “I’m currently busy with other projects. If necessary, let’s prioritize the tasks.”
- “It’s important for me to finish my current work on time, so I won’t be able to help with this.”
- “Unfortunately, I can’t do this now, but I can offer an alternative solution.”
Phrases when you are asked to stay late after work and you can’t:
- “It won’t be possible to stay today. I’ll try to finish the work tomorrow during working hours.”
- “I have personal matters planned. Let’s discuss how to distribute tasks in the future.”
Phrases when a colleague or subordinate violates your personal space:
- “Please knock before entering my office.”
- “I feel uncomfortable when someone stands too close. Thank you for understanding.”
Phrases to counteract unconstructive criticism:
- “I understand that you want to help, but I need specifics. What exactly can be improved?”
- “I appreciate feedback, but it’s important to me that it’s respectful.”
- “I understand that the words ‘damn’, ‘fuck’ and ‘fool’ can be used to create countless phrases, but I would like to know what happened.”
Phrases in the family when relatives interfere in your affairs:
- “I appreciate your concern, but in this case I can handle it myself.”
- “I understand your concern, but if you always do everything for me, I will never learn anything.”
- “I will definitely take your opinion into account, but I will make the final decision based on my circumstances.”
- “Not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier.”
Phrases for when you are forced to do something that is not part of your plans:
- “Sounds tempting, but now I can’t participate.”
- “Thanks for the offer, I have other plans today. I hope you have a great time!”
Phrases for a partner who invades your personal space:
- “Can’t we just be quiet? I need some time to myself. It helps me feel better.”
- “I appreciate your communication , but right now I need to rest. Let’s discuss this later.”
Phrases to use when you are interrupted:
- “Wait, please, let me finish my thought.”
- “When you interrupt me, I lose my train of thought. Could you please not do that again?”
Phrases when someone asks you for a loan:
- “I understand that your situation is difficult, but I can’t lend you money right now.”
- “I don’t borrow money to maintain good relationships.”
- “Oh, I was just about to ask you for a loan.”
Phrases in case of violation of emotional boundaries:
- “I don’t like it when you talk like that. Let’s not get personal.”
- “I understand that you have your own opinion, but please express it with respect.”
Phrases when you are busy or distracted at an inopportune moment:
- “I’m busy now, let’s discuss this later.”
- “I need to finish something important. Can we talk in the evening?”
- “I have a time limit. Let’s agree that I can only spend 5 minutes.”
- “I can’t stay for the whole meeting, but I can be with you for an hour.”
Be firm and polite, use clear first-person language, and never apologize for your personal boundaries to avoid weakening your message. Practice gentleness in expressing your needs, and be consistent in doing so.
Respecting your own and others’ boundaries is the key to healthy and harmonious relationships. However, none of us are immune to invading someone else’s personal space unintentionally.
How to avoid inadvertently violating other people’s personal boundaries?
How to avoid violating other people’s personal boundaries unintentionally? How to learn to understand where other people’s personal boundaries are if they differ from your own? In order to avoid violating other people’s personal boundaries, it is important to develop awareness, empathy , and communication skills.
Even if another person’s boundaries are different from yours, they can be recognized and respected through certain approaches. This requires developing awareness in communication.
Notice people’s reactions:
- Words– If a person starts to defend themselves, change the subject, or answer evasively, you may have entered their “closed” zone.
- Gestures and facial expressions– stiffness, looking away, tension can indicate discomfort.
Follow the “ask before you do” rule:
- “Can I hug you?”
- “Would it be convenient to invite you to visit me at my dacha and spend the night?”
- “May I help you?”
The latter is mandatory if you intend to help a disabled person, for example, to overcome steps in a wheelchair or to get up from a bench using crutches. It is not only a matter of boundaries, but also of the fact that a careless movement can cause pain, and only the person with physical problems can know within what limits he is ready to accept someone else’s physical help.
Develop empathy:
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
- Ask yourself: “How would I feel in this situation? Could I be unknowingly creating discomfort?”
- Refrain from making assumptions. What is comfortable for you may be uncomfortable for someone else.
Learn to openly discuss boundaries:
- “Can I ask a personal question or is that too inconvenient?”
- “Do you prefer that I text you or call you?”
Recognize the boundaries of others:
- If a person says “no” or makes it clear that he is uncomfortable, do not try to convince him otherwise.
- Respond respectfully: “Thank you for telling me. I’ll try to take that into account.”
Observe generally accepted norms of communication:
- Physical space – keep a comfortable distance (usually 1-1.5 meters for strangers).
- Do not touch a person without permission.
- Don’t insist if a person doesn’t want to discuss a particular topic.
- Avoid invalidating emotions (e.g., saying, “Don’t take it so personally”).
- Try to clarify whether it is convenient for the person to communicate now.
- If you are told that you have violated your boundaries, acknowledge it without making excuses by simply saying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any inconvenience.”
- If a person has expressed discomfort, try not to do it again.
- Practice active listening – don’t interrupt, show respect, acknowledge his words with phrases like “I understand you.”
- Respect cultural and social differences.
Respecting personal boundaries is a process of learning and practice. The key is to be attentive to the reactions of others, ask questions if you are unsure of your actions, and be willing to change your behavior. This will improve your relationships with people, increase your awareness and empathy in communication.
Child’s personal boundaries: how to recognize and not violate them?
And now, as promised, a few words about a child’s personal boundaries. Some adults for some reason think that children are too ignorant, and it is too early to talk about personal boundaries at their tender age. In fact, this is not true.
Surely you have seen how little children express dissatisfaction if someone tries to “help” them assemble a construction set or a puzzle, tie shoelaces or button up buttons. These are the first beginnings of personal boundaries in children. Let’s see how to recognize a child’s boundaries.
Observe the child’s reactions:
- Pulls away when people try to hug or kiss him.
- Doesn’t want to share toys or tell anything personal.
- Becomes silent, aggressive or nervous.
What to do:
- If your child says no, respect his refusal.
- Don’t force him to share or cuddle if he doesn’t want to.
Listen to what the child says:
- “I don’t want to do this.”
- “Don’t touch my things.”
What to do:
- Take these words seriously, even if it seems like a small thing.
- Discuss with your child why he says this.
Respect your child’s choice:
- Choice of clothes.
- Refusing to eat certain foods.
- Desire or unwillingness to participate in events.
What to do:
- Give your child choices where possible.
- If a choice is not possible (for example, you need to go to school), explain the reason without pressure.
How not to violate a child’s personal boundaries:
- Respect his body– the child has the right to decide who can touch him.
- Don’t force sharing– Children learn boundaries by protecting their things. Forcing them to share can destroy their sense of ownership. Offer, but don’t force: “You can share if you want.”
- Maintain his personal space– the child needs his own place where he feels protected. Do not enter the child’s room without knocking. Do not rearrange his personal things without permission. Explain why he should keep his room (table, closet, school bag, etc.) in order.
- Respect their emotions– don’t discount their feelings with phrases like, “Don’t cry, it’s nothing.” Acknowledge their emotions: “I can see you’re upset. Tell me what happened.”
- Give your child the right to an opinion– ask how he would like to spend the weekend or school holidays. Listen without criticism, even if you disagree.
- If you accidentally violated your child’s boundaries, apologize and explain the situation: “I came in without knocking because I was worried about you when I heard the crash. Next time I’ll knock.”
How to teach children to set boundaries:
- Show by example and remember that children copy the behavior of adults.
- Explain how to refuse correctly: “If you don’t want to go to the dacha with us, you can just say so, instead of rolling your eyes and curling your lips.”
- Teach your child to identify their emotions by asking questions: “Are you angry because I took your toy?”
- Teach them to ask for help – explain that your child can come to you and ask you to help them solve a math problem, and if you are not busy, you will definitely help.
A child’s personal boundaries are important for their emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Respecting personal boundaries helps a child grow up confident, independent, and able to build healthy relationships.