No one’s lifespan remains unchanged, and neither do the needs of friends. A balanced relationship in life is one where different friends can fulfill different needs. Feeling overwhelmed by making new friends in middle age? This article shares four steps and offers suggestions on how to cultivate diverse friendships.
Astronomer Maria Mitchell wrote about friendship in her diary in 1855:
I’ve made up my mind to build more balanced relationships … How unwise it is to place the center of your emotional world on a single person. Instead, you should attach your emotions to many people, allowing different people to fulfill your different needs. For example, one person provides intellectual stimulation; another makes us more resilient, energetic, and happier, radiating more happiness because of knowing them; and yet another inspires our warmth and affection, making our inner growth feel like being in summer.
This idea appealed to me for several reasons. While forming a genuine friendship is easy at first, it also requires strategy—you need to actively expand your social circle and strive to broaden your horizons. As life progresses, our needs for friendship also change. Life will inevitably take us to different places, and if we want to grow, we must find people who can meet our diverse needs .
Some relationships last a lifetime and evolve as you progress, while others only make sense within a specific framework. Understanding your stage in life and what you need in friendships helps you make more conscious choices about new relationships.
Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst says that people lose a significant proportion of their close friends after getting married and having children.
Furthermore, somewhat alarmingly, a comprehensive analysis by German researchers concluded that, globally, friendship networks have been shrinking over the past 35 years. According to the report, participants from 1980 to 1985 had an average of four more friends than those who participated in the study between 2000 and 2005. While we recognize the benefits of friendship for individual and community health, we also witness the critical state of modern-day fatigue. Therefore, it is more urgent than ever to reverse this trend of declining friendships.
Good relationships can improve your quality of life! What kinds of friends do you have in different roles?
When I see people experiencing a sharp decline in their number of friends due to marriage and childbirth, I’m reminded of Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and podcast host specializing in couples counseling. She often discusses a phenomenon: “Today, we want to feel grounded, meaningful, and eternally present from the same person—our partner. But in the past, this required the support of an entire village.” A shrinking social circle not only harms us physically and emotionally but also adds stress to our romantic relationships, posing a real threat. If you expect your partner to cater to your every whim, you’ll be disappointed . Perel continues:
“Right now, I’m thinking about the importance of villages. How do I build my village, and how do you build and maintain yours? Remember: the quality of life is determined by the quality of your relationships .” For many, this means it’s time to work on cultivating quality friendships with both old and new friends.
You might be like me, feeling hesitant at the thought of starting a new friendship. How do you begin? First, the important thing to do is identify where your friendship gaps are. Remember, the point isn’t to get everything from every friend, but to have friends in different roles in your life. If you’re going through a period of transition, now is a good time to consider your friend list. Even if your life hasn’t changed much, it’s worth reviewing it periodically.
Another factor to consider is your capacity. Are you so busy juggling work, family, and relatives that you might just want to solidify existing friendships and make sure you have time to spend with them?
But sometimes you might need more social interaction (and less time watching reality TV), so you can think about how you allocate your time and energy.
During the empty nest period and after moving, taking time to make friends is both necessary and worthwhile.
My friend Helen Knoll-Cohen, her life has forced her to learn the art of friendship time and time again.
As her children grew up and left home, she found herself in a new chapter of interpersonal relationships. “I became an empty nester, and making friends felt like a completely new game; you no longer had a valid ticket just because you had one or two children!” During this period, she and her husband also moved frequently. “I often found myself in unfamiliar new environments, not knowing a single person. I had to find a few kind friends to share good times with. At this point, whether you meet the person you want to invite into your world depends entirely on your choices. It becomes more about compatibility and your personal charisma.”
With fewer daily responsibilities as a parent, she had more time to make friends. She observed that life experience made her clearer about the types of friends she wanted to invest time in. “I would say it’s challenging and time-consuming; you have to be willing to invest time and energy in new friendships, otherwise it’s pointless. Now, more than ever, I care about who my friends are. I value who I like and who I get along with, no longer focusing on practicality like my mother’s circle of friends used to be.”
How to make new friends? 4 simple steps
Making new friends is certainly challenging, and you might feel that the effort is more than it’s worth. But after reading all the research, I believe the benefits far outweigh the discomfort. So how do you do it? While researching this, I stumbled upon a great article on the Psyche website by psychologist Marisa Franco, who summarized the whole process into four relatively simple steps.
1. Assume people like you
Your avoidance pattern stems from a fear of rejection, which is understandable. If you approach social situations with a positive attitude, assuming people like you, then that’s more likely to happen.
2. Proactive
You must let go of the myth that friendship happens naturally in order to understand the importance of “initiative.” You must take responsibility, not wait passively. It’s not just about people showing up, but about greeting them when you do.
3. Continued participation
If you want to make friends, commit to being there for a few months . If you feel uncomfortable at an event and then stop going, you’re devaluing yourself. If you persist, you’ll feel more comfortable and get to know people better, thanks in part to the “mere exposure effect”—over time, people will like you more.
4. Show your vulnerable side
I like to consider acquaintances as familiar people, and friends are those you know well. To make true friends, you must share your own stories and ask others questions so they can share theirs too. You don’t need to reveal information you’d tell a therapist; beyond your deepest, darkest secrets, there are many things you can share.
In short, the key is to maintain a positive attitude. Believe in yourself! Give it a try! Try it a few more times! There won’t be any problems; making friends is like embarking on a fun adventure. Once you clearly understand where the gaps in your life are, you can begin to strategically fill them.
Looking to make friends with nostalgic types? Utilize social media and take the initiative to reach out.
You can’t go back in time, so you can’t create a friendship that lasted from when you were 8 years old. But if you long to reconnect with a period in your life, you can, because social media makes it relatively easy to find old acquaintances.
Figure out who you’re looking for. Do you have a classmate who understands your quirky sense of humor? In your early career, did anyone intellectually inspire you? Does anyone know something about you that you’d like to preserve? Was there a period when you were wilder, more determined, and more creative? If someone in your life could share that memory with you, would you be able to reach the next level?
While scrolling through Instagram, I received a friend request from Livy, an old friend who lives in Winnipeg, Canada. My heart leaped with joy, and I immediately accepted. I contacted her directly, and we’ve been chatting ever since. I never knew I needed this kind of connection before. Had I not developed a new perspective on friendship and consciously sought out what truly mattered to me, I could easily have missed this opportunity to invest my emotions.
Want to make nurturing friends? First, find your softer side.
If you want to reserve a place for nurturing people in your social circle, you must first find your softer side.
If a relationship is filled with sarcastic comments and ironic jokes (not that there’s anything wrong with either of these), it’s unlikely that there will be moments of care and vulnerability. We sometimes assume that caring and nurturing friends are only those we’ve known for a long time. This can be true, because if you’ve known them for years, they naturally have deep feelings for you. However, such people can appear at any time, as life’s trials can reveal people’s true nature in unexpected ways.
Linds Sharf’s daughter was diagnosed with a serious illness, making her need friends more than ever before. She was surprised to discover who could. “My brother really stepped up to help me through the difficult times; he stood up for me in ways I never imagined. I don’t just see him as a brother; he’s also my friend.”
Want to make creative friends? When sparks fly, take the initiative to invite them out.
The good news is that creative talent is almost everywhere, and their energy and charisma make them easy to spot.
You might bump into new, creative friends in random places, like at a dinner party or a petting zoo. Perhaps the trickiest part is that when you meet someone you click with, you have to be willing to take that first step .
Maria Manunos said, “As you get older, making new friends can be a little awkward, but I know that peer groups are important for personal growth. I’ve been cultivating really high-quality friendships with people I respect, which is wonderful. You can grow, learn, and have fun together.”
Want to make mentor-like friends? Be careful not to let communication become one-way.
This is one of the easiest friendships to cultivate. A mentor-type friend isn’t someone you need to spend a lot of time with, but the time you spend together is often quite focused—for example, discussing new projects, reviewing options one by one, or testing new ideas. Think about what aspects of your life a mentor could be helpful in? Do you need wisdom in your marriage? Or is it about work, parenting? Or all of the above?
Next, find your mentor. Perhaps you already have someone you admire; focus your energy on that person. If not, don’t despair; look further afield. Who is ten years ahead of you (in whatever way) and seems inspiring? Do your homework (even if it’s difficult).
If you wish to connect with a more professional mentor, be sure to learn as much as possible about her work, read her articles, watch her TED Talks on YouTube, and follow her on LinkedIn. When contacting her, don’t be a pushover; offer something, perhaps an article you think she might find interesting attached to an email. Make sure to acknowledge any recent work you’ve seen or heard about her.
Don’t be too hasty. Instead of asking if she can be your mentor, ask if she’d like to meet up, have coffee, and discuss something specific. If things go well, schedule another meeting, and so on. The key to a mentor-mentee relationship is to avoid one-way communication. It’s important to offer value in return and ask if there’s anything you can do to help .
Want to make important friends? Take the time to build emotional connections.
If you’re still missing a significant friend in your life, you should start by examining your existing friends. Why aren’t your good friends your closest confidants? Can you invest the time and energy to nurture one or two friendships to their fullest potential? Or is there something keeping you reserved? If you want new friends to become important friends, you must be patient. Becoming close friends takes 200 hours—and those 200 hours are spent building a real emotional connection, not just being physically present.
But you can absolutely fall in love at first sight with some friends. If the friendship has a lot of energy from the start, you can clearly communicate how you feel. Of course, you still have to invest time to see if that first spark will become a lasting connection, but it’s an exciting start!
Want to make friends like you? Step outside your social circle and find like-minded people.
These friends might be very similar to you in many ways. Doing what you love gives you the opportunity to be with people who share your interests and values. But if you want to meet new friends, you have to step outside your comfort zone and do something. You could sign up for a course, volunteer, or accept a party invitation, etc.
Sometimes, it’s because you’re entering a new environment or a new stage of life, and you need a friend who is similar to you in some way. If you’re not good at making friends online, then you have to enter a circle that can support your current life, such as joining a religious place of worship, taking classes, or a professional association.
When you get there, keep your eyes and ears open and look for interesting new friends. Be friendly and willing to give compliments, because everyone likes to be liked. If you radiate this feeling, you’ll increase your chances of making new friends.
Want to meet friends who are different from you? Connect with mutual friends.
You don’t need to hang out with people whose values you find hard to accept, but you can expand your circle and meet people with different experiences. Do you know people who grew up in another country or region? Do you know people who don’t have children? Do you know anyone who didn’t go to college and then traveled the world? You know, people like that.
To meet this type of friend, you can usually do so through mutual friends. For example, my friend Sunny Hassebrin often mentions a stay-at-home mom friend, so maybe I can invite them both for coffee. This new friend’s choice is different from mine, but getting to know people like her can teach me a lot. Similarly, volunteering or participating in courses can place you in new environments and allow you to meet people you wouldn’t normally have the opportunity to meet.
