Handling rejection is not easy. Nobody taught us that. Despite this, we all experience rejection throughout life. Feeling rejected isn’t pleasant, but it’s not uncommon either. In fact, although rejection in love is one of the most painful, we can also be rejected professionally or even be marginalized by family, a group of friends or our culture of origin.
Why does rejection hurt so much?
Rejection hurts, literally. A study conducted at the University of Michigan found that rejection and contempt share the same neural circuitry as physical pain. Therefore, when we are despised and rejected, the pain we feel is not only emotional, but also physical.
Those rejections not only hurt, but remain deeply imprinted. Generally, over time we find it difficult to remember exactly the intensity of a physical injury, but we are able to remember with particular vividness the pain we felt when we were rejected. We can recall every detail and relive the situation with quite similar emotional intensity. In other words, while the memory of physical pain fades slowly, the memory of rejection remains clearly etched in our memory.
Such an intense reaction to rejection may be rooted in our more distant past. When we lived in caves, being left alone was tantamount to a death sentence because we couldn’t survive in such adverse conditions, that’s why our brain has developed a kind of alarm system to warn us of the risk of ostracism. In this way we can correct our attitude as soon as possible in order not to lose the support and protection of the group.
But the fact that our brain activates the alarm does not mean that we have to passively suffer the consequences of rejection. We need social ties, but we shouldn’t cling to people who make us suffer.
How to handle rejection?
To handle rejection, we need to make sure we don’t become our own worst enemies because these situations activate a self-blame mechanism in which we constantly recriminate. Thus, the emotional pain of rejection is compounded by negative ideas that keep spinning in our minds. How to get out of the vicious circle?
- Self-kindness vs. self-judgment
When we notice our inner critic kicking in and starting to distort our perspective, we need to gently redirect the internal discourse in more positive, objective directions. Basically, we need to remember that inside of us is a small child who has been hurt, so that instead of recriminating and blaming him, we need to treat him with compassion and empathy so he can get through the moment. It’s not about feeling sorry for ourselves or denying our mistakes or responsibilities, but about not judging ourselves too harshly or avoiding becoming cruel to ourselves.
- Denial vs. radical acceptance
Sometimes when rejection is extremely painful, we have a tendency to protect ourselves by denying reality. Indeed, it is likely that we will seek refuge in the past by remembering happy moments or that we will retreat into an imaginary future where everything is perfect. However, these attitudes do not allow us to move on.
Instead, we must practice radical acceptance . It doesn’t mean being happy with what happened or approving of it, but only to acknowledge the fact. As William James said, “Accepting what has happened is the first step in overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” With radical acceptance the pain does not completely disappear, but the suffering dissipates. And when you stop suffering, the pain will be more bearable. Then we will be able to react to stop pursuing something unattainable and set new goals that make us happy and are within our reach.
- Common humanity vs. the isolation
When we are rejected, we may feel the world is coming upon us and that we are alone, but in reality we are not the only ones who have experienced something like this. We have all experienced rejection and bounced back. Even many famous people were rejected. Remembering this connection can help us avoid feeling that the world is conspiring against us or that we are isolated.
It is also worth seeking support from close people. Many times we don’t talk about the experience of rejection for fear that others will think we have failed, but in reality most people are more empathetic than we assume and will reach out to us when we feel bad. Having a friendly shoulder to cry on may be what we need to get over rejection.
- Mindfulness vs. excessive identification
Mindfulness is a practice that consists of focusing our consciousness on the present moment to face a thought or experience without judging them. Mindfulness helps us avoid over-identifying with the painful thoughts and feelings that come with rejection.
We can feel those negative emotions and thoughts, but without allowing them to take over and suffocate us. This practice will prevent our inner critic from distorting reality and generating catastrophic scenarios that make us hit rock bottom. Instead, it will leave a sense of serenity and control that will allow us to deal with rejection more sensibly.
- Tragedy vs. opportunity
To overcome rejection we need to stop focusing on what we have lost to focus on what we can gain. It’s difficult at first because negative thoughts and emotions cloud our vision, but we must remember that it’s probably not the first time we’ve been rejected.
A rejection can become an opportunity to do something new and dare to take a different path. The fact that a door closes doesn’t mean that we can’t be happy or achieve our goals, just that this was not the way. Sometimes a rejection can become the push we needed to get out of our comfort zone and do wonderful things or meet amazing people
