How to Express Your Desires

Our language has many words for classifying people and their actions. We tend to judge, compare, label, and demand certain behavior from others that correspond to our understanding of the norm. According to American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, this way of thinking divides people and creates conflicts.

In his book, The Language of Life , he offers a different approach that allows you to build relationships without resorting to violence. Instead of changing people and their behavior, looking for who is right and who is guilty, and getting your way at any cost, Rosenberg teaches how to correctly express your own needs and be understanding of the needs of others. The author called this method of communication “nonviolent communication” and has successfully used it in practice for many years, acting as a mediator in conflicts between people, social groups, and entire countries.

Rosenberg identifies four components of nonviolent communication: observations, feelings, needs and requests.

4 Steps to Expressing Your Needs

Step 1: Share your observations without judgment

Sharing observations means naming specific actions of the interlocutor that evoked certain feelings in us, avoiding judgments and labels.

When the interlocutor hears criticism in our words, he automatically takes a defensive position: argues, justifies himself, accuses in response. Observation is a simple listing of facts.

Avoiding judgment can be difficult. When you can’t sleep for three days in a row because of your neighbor’s noisy parties , you want to tell him everything you think about him. However, this is unlikely to solve the problem: instead of understanding, you will get resistance, and the next night you will hear loud music behind the wall again. Instead of condemning and evaluating, describe the specific actions that led to this evaluation. Imagine that you are writing a chronicle.

• Observation with evaluation: “Stop making noise at night. You don’t think about others at all. Your late-night parties prevent your neighbors from sleeping.”
• Observation without judgment: “It seems that for the last three days your guests have been staying overnight. After 11 pm I hear loud laughter and music from your apartment, which prevents me from sleeping. Because I don’t sleep well, it’s hard for me to work.”

Step 2: Express your feelings in words

The next step is to put into words our feelings about our observations.

In the process of communication, we exchange feelings one way or another : verbally or non-verbally. However, when we demonstrate them with the help of facial expressions, gestures and intonations, the interlocutor can misinterpret them: fatigue can be taken for indifference, and anxiety – for obsession.

There is a gap between what we meant and how it is heard. To help others understand us, it is important to express our feelings in words.

The problem is that our culture is not about sharing our feelings. Expressing feelings is seen as a sign of weakness, especially among men . As a result, some people have a hard time building close relationships: they don’t know how to express their feelings and are accused of being callous by others.

Our language adds to the misunderstanding: people use the word “feel” when talking about thoughts, ideas about themselves and other people’s behavior, rather than their own emotional state. Compare these two examples:

• Not feelings: “I feel like you don’t care about me.”
• Feelings: “When you refused to meet me, I felt lonely.”

In the first example, the author expresses his interpretation of someone else’s behavior. In the second, he describes the feelings that arose in him in response to this behavior.

Step 3: Recognize your own needs

Needs are the values ​​and desires that shape our feelings. Other people’s actions can be a stimulus for our feelings, but they are never the cause of them. When guests at a party show no interest in you, you may feel lonely if you need to communicate – or you may feel relieved if you want peace. In the same situation, different needs shape different feelings, regardless of the behavior of others.

It is easier for the other person to feel empathy for us and meet our needs when we say, “I feel lonely because I lack closeness” instead of “You don’t care about me.” Judging, criticizing, and interpreting other people’s actions is a distorted expression of our own needs, which instead of closeness creates misunderstanding.

Sometimes people have trouble reaching an agreement because they confuse needs and strategies. A need describes a true desire, while a strategy describes a way to get what you want.

Let’s say a wife feels a need for her husband’s closeness and attention. Instead of directly sharing this desire with him, she asks him to spend more time at home. The husband takes his wife’s words literally and gets a remote job. Now he works twice as much as when he went to the office.

• Strategy: “I want you to spend more time at home.”
• Need: “I want attention and closeness.”

Step 4: Make a clear request

We have shared our observations with the other person without judgment, talked about our feelings regarding these observations, and acknowledged our needs. All that remains is to voice a specific request, the fulfillment of which will make our life better.

The clearer we make it clear what we expect from a person, the easier it will be for them to fulfill our desire. When we ask for more personal space, we are talking about abstract things, the meaning of which is not entirely clear. Vague statements contribute to confusion. It is important to formulate the request as specifically as possible. For example, like this: “This weekend I would like to be alone .”

There is a difference between a request and a demand. The interlocutor perceives the former as the latter when he believes that he will be punished for failure to comply. In this case, he has two ways to react: to resist or to submit. In the first case, the interlocutor will argue, snap and look for excuses; in the second case, he will reluctantly do what is required, will remain dissatisfied and is unlikely to show loyalty in the future. A request implies freedom of choice and respect for someone else’s refusal ; a demand is a desire to change a person and his behavior at any cost.

• Demand: “Help me with cleaning, or I won’t talk to you.”
• Request: “I would be very pleased if you could help me with the cleaning.”

An example of how to apply Rosenberg’s approach in life

A mother bought her son a new computer on the condition that he improve his grades at school. The teenager did not keep his promise: instead of studying, he spends hours playing. The woman wants to discuss his behavior with her son and remind him of the agreement.

Let’s imagine that the mother does not have non-violent communication skills:

1. Assesses: “Are you playing again, slacker?”
2. Manipulates with guilt: “You promised to get down to studying, but instead you’re doing something stupid. And we gave up our trip abroad to buy this computer!”
3. Shifts responsibility for one’s feelings: “I am disappointed in your behavior.”
4. Punishes: “No games until you correct your twos.”

The mother evaluates and criticizes, manipulates with guilt, shifts responsibility for her emotional state and punishes. Such behavior will force the teenager to take a defensive position and prevent him from showing empathy. As a result, the son will remain dissatisfied and will sabotage the parental decision.

Now imagine that the mother uses nonviolent communication skills:

1. Shares observations: “Before buying you a new computer, we agreed that you would improve your failing grades in Russian and literature. Six months have passed since then. You haven’t improved your grades.”
2. Talks about feelings: “I feel anxious and offended.”
3. Acknowledges his needs: “I’m worried because I want you to get a good education and find something you enjoy doing. I’m upset because you didn’t do what we agreed on, and I’d like to rely on your words.”
4. Formulates a clear request: “Please tell me what is preventing you from keeping our agreement and how can I help you with this?”

The mother does not try to change her son’s behavior by force, but respectfully addresses him as an equal: she states facts instead of grades, sincerely shares her feelings, explains the reasons for anxiety and resentment, and formulates a clear request. It is easier for a teenager to hear the needs of his parents when there is no need to waste energy on confrontation. As a result of such a conversation, the mother will find out that her son is fascinated by computers and exact sciences, but he does not understand the humanities. The teenager will promise to improve his grades with the help of a tutor, in exchange for which the mother will agree to send him to a computer camp. In this way, they will come to a decision that will satisfy the needs of both.

A checklist to help you express your needs correctly

1. Observations. Name specific words or actions of the interlocutor that influenced you. Avoid judgments. Imagine that you are compiling a chronicle.
2. Feelings. Put into words how you feel about these actions. Don’t confuse feelings with thoughts and ideas about yourself and others.
3. Needs. Connect your feelings with needs: “I feel… because I need…” Don’t confuse needs with strategies for meeting them. Don’t shift responsibility for your feelings to other people.
4. Requests. Formulate a clear request, the fulfillment of which the interlocutor will make your life better. Do not demand, respect someone else’s refusal.