That’s where the term gaslighting comes from and it is a concept that is applied in psychology to describe situations of abuse between couples, but not exclusively in that context .
This term originated in the 1938 play Gaslighting, in which a husband tries to drive his wife into madness by lowering the gas-lit lights in their home, and then denying that the light changes. when his wife points it out. It is a very effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity. This tactic gives the abusive partner a great deal of power and control, in other words, the definition of abuse. Once an abusive partner has analyzed the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.
These are just two small examples of gaslighting, a form of psychological violence that damages the victim’s sense of reality, leading him to doubt his own memory, clarity and perception, as well as undermining his self-esteem and corroding his self-confidence. The term derives from a film from the 1940s, Gaslight, in which there is a husband who tries to drive his wife crazy by modifying small details of the house: such as (and that’s why they say so) the gradual dimming of the lights gas, which she insists on her imagination.
Signs that show that I suffer from gaslighting
To detect if you are suffering from “gas light” you must know the process and evolution of this phenomenon, pay attention to each of the conversations that are being held and then be able to differentiate the three stages that could occur: idealization, devaluation and discard.
Laura Fuster Sebastián explains that in the idealization stage, the victim loves the person who makes “gas light”, since she projects an image of herself as the perfect partner: “It usually occurs in pairs, so the victim it can fall in love with the abuser, although it can also happen in friendships, co-workers, etc., with whom we connect a lot from the beginning and we do not see any defect in them ».
The devaluation stage is when the victim goes from being “adored” to being unable to do something right, but after having tested the ideal, she is desperate to fix things.
Discard stage : here the problems begin and the abuser no longer worries about fixing the situation, at best he tries to compensate with some positive moment. That is, they can be people with a tendency to chain relationships.
And, while living these situations, how does the abused react to these situations?
Low mood : “This whole situation will make you feel sad, inferior and insecure. You will wonder if you are too sensitive and you will blame yourself for not knowing how to enjoy life, remembering better times, “says the psychologist.
Excess of justifications . You will spend your time justifying yourself or, perhaps, you will find the courage to talk about the conflict, even knowing that it will end in an argument. “This situation will turn around and you will end up thinking that they are your imaginations, that it was not so bad, or that you should even apologize.”
Few social relationships . As we have commented previously, you may have a negative view of your circle of friends or even that they have turned against you for not having moved away, so it is very likely that you will interact with fewer people every time …
How to get out of here
Sometimes we think that breaking up with a person who treats us badly is easy, but in most cases the opposite happens. According to the expert in psychology, the victims who have been given “gas light” no longer know what the criteria or reality is. Therefore, this type of emotional abuse can be more difficult to detect for the person who suffers it and for their environment than physical abuse.
“The first thing we must do is detect the aforementioned signals and recognize that we have a problem. In these cases, communication as a couple is very diminished, but it is one of the keys to solving the problem, ”says Laura Fuster Sebastián, and encourages people to start communicating freely, say what they think and not feel guilty about it : “It is the responsibility of both to fix the situation, therefore, do not justify yourself excessively and do not apologize.”
Another point to keep in mind is to reinforce feelings . “No one can tell you what emotions you should have in certain situations, and you should not apologize for being sad or sensitive.”
Recovering social relationships and asking for help will help you feel better, increase your self-esteem and see things from another point of view. «Don’t hesitate to ask for help and express what you feel around you. If necessary, a psychologist can help you to know if what is happening to you is gaslighting and to solve it, “concludes the expert.
Personality
As Laura Fuster Sebastián tells us, a person who emotionally abuses another will have, more or less, the following characteristics:
He will constantly lie to you . And not only that, he will say it so sure that in the end you will doubt the reality you have seen and you will end up believing it.
He will deny everything . It does not matter if you have heard it, that you repeat it actively and passively, and that you know with total certainty that they have said something because, according to the psychologist, “these people deny reality even though you have evidence.” They will repeat it so much that you will end up accepting their opinion as long as you don’t follow.
It will give you “one of lime and one of sand . ” Throughout the day they will beat you up saying you are exaggerating or crazy, but afterwards they will use positive reinforcement to compensate, even in the same conversation.
It will make you share their insecurities . If he or she feels inferior, they will make you feel the same way to feel better. If it can make you feel small, you’ll have a harder time getting out of the toxic loop.
They know how to manipulate . And not only you, they can lie to your environment to turn them against you … «They can also make you have a negative view of your loved ones so that you do not trust them, do not tell them what the problem is and isolate yourself completely », Says the expert.
There are a variety of “gaslighting” techniques that an abusive partner might use:
To hold back
The abuser pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. For example: “I don’t want to hear this again” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Counter
The abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of the events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. For example: “You are wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Block or Divert
The abusive partner changes the subject and / or questions the victim’s questions. For example: “Is that another crazy idea you got from your friend / family member?” / “You are imagining things.”
Trivialize
The abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings unimportant. For example: “Are you going to get mad about a little thing like that?” / “You are too sensitive.”
Forget or Deny
The abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what really happened or denies things like promises made to the victim. For example: “I don’t know what you’re talking about” / “You’re just making things up.
