How to control jealousy: 13 tips from psychologists

How to control jealousy in the relationship is always a controversial issue. Regardless of age, it is common for couples to encounter this controversial feeling.

Some factors present in society make it difficult to fight jealousy . For example, demonstrations of feeling are still often seen as romantic gestures when, in fact, there are healthier ways to express love.

Jealousy is actually a sign of insecurity.

The extremely jealous person either does not trust their partner enough or has low self-esteem . She seeks to sabotage any possibility of the partner finding another person because, in her mind, single individuals are a threat.

This controlling conduct generates frequent fights and discussions, eroding the relationship. In addition, exaggerated jealousy is harmful to the individual who feels it. This feeling stimulates anxiety , distrust and anger .

After all, what is jealousy?

According to Psychologist Sandra Quero , jealousy is a very difficult feeling to control and appears for several reasons. It may be jealousy of the boyfriend, a friend or even the brother. ⠀

Although quite unpleasant, it is a natural feeling of the human being, except that, depending on the case, it may be at an exaggerated level, causing pathological jealousy, which requires the help of a psychologist. ⠀

Jealousy comes as a warning sign when we believe something is not going well or as we wish. ⠀

It can be a real problem or be present only in the imaginary. It’s just part of our instinct to want to eliminate any and all threats that make us insecure, unprotected or at a disadvantage. ⠀

So how do you keep jealousy in check?

Tips on how to control jealousy

First, reflect on the factors that usually arouse jealousy.

If you are jealous when your partner interacts with other people or meets social commitments without you, you are likely to suffer from excessive jealousy.

The case is especially complicated when you feel jealous of friends and family , with whom your partner lives almost daily.

After doing this exercise, it will be easier to identify which aspects of your behavior should be worked on. Then, link them to our tips on how to control jealousy!

  1. Analyze the reason for jealousy

Ask yourself about the reason for the jealousy. What is the situation that aroused the feeling? Why are you jealous? Has something happened in the past to make you feel this way today? If there is, it is an issue that should be discussed with your partner.

The psychologist Sandra it also states that jealousy most common are those that occur in the context of loving relationships.

In these cases, the exaggerated desire for possession and egocentric demand typical of all forms of jealousy is added to the demand for more or less agreed loyalty and the social demoralization that can arise from infidelity. ⠀

This situation of continuous distrust generates a great emotional tension in the jealous person and in his partner. The latter feels harassed, monitored and interrogated most of the time, usually for no reason. ⠀

If there is no awareness that jealousy may be in excess, it is unlikely that the person will seek help. ⠀

Most likely, behind this there are distorted thoughts about the loving relationship and the behavior of the loved one.

Once this information is collected, it is necessary to analyze it. We have to seek proof that what we think is real or is really happening. ⠀

As much as jealous people have a bad reputation, the truth is that they suffer and that their suffering is real. So if this problem conditions your life to some degree, don’t be ashamed and seek help to control jealousy. ⠀

Would you like to make an appointment with the psychologist Sandra? Click here!

  1. Make your intentions clear

At the beginning of the relationship, make your intentions clear . If they have changed over the course of the relationship, communicate them to the partner so that there are no disagreements in the future.

  1. Work on trust in the relationship

Do you trust your partner?

If you can’t answer ‘yes’, the best thing to do is talk about it. Explain distrustful partner behaviors, but keep in mind that it is not possible to change people.

All you can do is express your feelings and watch your partner’s reaction.

According to psychologist Hélio Malka , jealousy is a natural feeling in every being capable of creating affective bonds and works as an internal alarm, which can be triggered by concrete or abstract, imaginary reasons.

It is related to the fear of losing someone’s attention or even losing that someone to another.

First of all, recognize when you are being jealous, believe that you deserve someone to love you and that you want to be alone with you. Also, learn to trust each other.

  1. Keep the conversation up to date

This tip is a complement to the previous two. In addition to making it very clear what you are looking for in the relationship, talk whenever you feel insecure, after an argument, and also share the good things.

You need to feel that you can open up to him / her. Otherwise, the discomfort in talking can indicate a point to be worked on.  

  1. Raise your self-esteem

When self-esteem is strong, it is impossible to end your security. In addition, people with high self-esteem trust themselves . They are able to distinguish which behaviors deserve attention and which should be ignored, as they know what is best for them.

Although relationships are healthy and part of life, you cannot forget who deserves your full attention: yourself. Therefore, work on your self-esteem so that you can also love the person reflected in the mirror.

  1. Combat controlling behavior

It is impossible to control the other’s freedom.

People are different, so they live, think and act differently. When you don’t respect that, you show that you don’t fully trust your partner.

So, you want to control all your steps. But, think, would you like someone to do this to you ?

  1. Don’t live in the past

If you have ever suffered a betrayal, it is normal to be afraid. However, at some point, you will need to break free from the past.

Don’t bring insecurities from another relationship into the current relationship. If you have not managed to overcome the trauma and feel that it is a constant negative in your life, have you thought about seeking professional help to heal the wound?

  1. Rationalize the feeling

When the crisis comes, see jealousy with the eyes of a scientist . Does it make sense not to want your partner to find friends? Everyone goes out to have fun with those they love and trust, so what’s the problem? This tip is especially effective for those who suffer from recurrent seizures. 

  1. Learn to show love differently

Jealousy, contrary to what many people think, is not an expression of love. They are a form of possession .

You have probably come across stories of couples who fought in a public place because of jealousy. This is the true face of jealousy, unpleasant and self-centered. In contrast, love is gentle, pleasant and light.

  1. Don’t compare yourself to ex-partners

Just as you shouldn’t be dreaming about past relationships, you don’t have to compare yourself to the other person’s ex-partners. After all, each one is each one!

If your partner is with you today and treats you very well, it is a sign that he chose to stay with you because he likes your personality.

  1. Maintain an active social life

Many people become so involved in the relationship that they neglect friends and family as well as stop doing what they love to live in order to please their partner. This harmful posture can become toxic. Everyone needs an active social life .

  1. Strengthen your self-love

Once again, the importance of loving yourself above all is reinforced . It is not about narcissism or self-centeredness, but about self-respect. Remember every day how important you are to this world and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

  1. Seek therapy

According to psychologist and psychoanalyst Giselle Ladeia , Freud divided jealousy into three levels: competitive / normal, projected and delusional.

Thus, each level has a different degree of intensity and emotional mechanisms involved, and may even have a sick character in the most serious conditions.

For Freud, jealousy is mainly composed of grief and suffering caused by the thought of losing the loved object, and the narcissistic wound, feelings of enmity against the successful rival and a greater or lesser amount of self-criticism.

In this sense, there are several sufferings involved, such as: the loss of the loved object, which generates the pain of mourning. There is also narcissistic pain, facing the idea that one is not as indispensable for the loved one as thought (older children, for example, with the arrival of the younger brother, is quite common!).

For Freud, no one has ever been jealous!

Jealousy becomes pathological when the individual elaborates his conflicts. Psychotherapy is a tool that helps in the process of elaborating internal conflicts that impact our ways of relating!

The couple therapy can be an alternative to relationships suffocated by jealousy. As the feeling increases, it can be difficult to extinguish it entirely.

Likewise, therapy can help you, as an individual, find the self-confidence necessary to ultimately learn how to control jealousy.


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