The coronavirus has left our lives on hold for months and the quarantine has also put some problems that we had postponed on hold. What to do now?
we only have to choose whether it avecce the anxiety that is continuing the quarantine and magna all spring or if instead avecce the anxiety that ends and touches us will come back to deal with our lives that in any case were already beautifully entangled before the coronavirus ”
(Rebibbia Quarantine – s1e2 Zerocalcare).
Postpone until “after” … and then?
We do this when the summer holidays are approaching , then when Easter or Christmas are approaching: we use a collective watershed as a pretext to postpone certain problems, certain decisions, some changes we would like to make “later” .
Even the pandemic has led to put many issues in ” quarantine ” , to give, understandably also, priority to the emergency we were experiencing, postponing the rest to an uncertain and indefinite “after”.
In the meantime we said to ourselves (in compliance with a collective mechanism of manic denial) that “everything would be fine” , that we would come out “better” , that the world would change (for the better, of course …). Now that the emergency is far from over, but we can / must go back to some normalcy , we find ourselves in a partially changed world (perhaps not for this better or worse), but with the same problems as before: what to do?
Quarantine and primary needs
Abraham Maslow is the well-known American psychologist who, in absolutely not suspicious times, published his theory on the hierarchization of human needs (1954) destined to prove useful and reliable even in later and very different times from the one in which he lived and worked.
We all certainly agree that our self-fulfillment is the most important goal on an existential level, much more than having eaten a good pizza or having slept a healthy night’s sleep. But what still too often escapes – and which Maslow instead pointed out well – is that there is a precise hierarchy of human needs where the most elevated can hardly be pursued and realized if the basic ones have not been adequately satisfied.
Among the latter we find the physiological needs (breathing, drinking, sleeping, etc.) and those of safety , physical and psychological. These two levels, fundamental for the psychophysical homeostasis of human beings, are those that have been most directly affected by the current health emergency , which has led to fears for one’s own health / life or that of others, to feeling fear , insecurity and uncertainty both material (think of the economic repercussions) and emotional (fear for loved ones, not being able to see / touch intimate people, witness the disruption of the daily life of one’s living and working environments).
Not without reason, therefore, the new coronavirus pandemic has been defined as a pre-traumatic event (Van der Kolk, 2020). In a situation of this type, it is not surprising that many people, struggling with problems (or fears) relating to their health and safety , have put those inherent in emotional life and relationships on standby (difficult to question the affections in a moment of global uncertainty) as well as existential and work desires / projects.
Redefine the problem
In reality, in many cases the problems have only apparently been quarantined because, on many occasions, the quarantine itself has represented an amplifier of those personal and relational difficulties made suddenly unavoidable by the limitation to individual freedom and the close family coexistence 24 hours a day.
This not only applies to serious and emergency situations, such as alcohol abuse or domestic violence , or to some psychological distress (such as depression , eating disorders or failure to process a bereavement ), but also for those problems of relationship and coexistence that can make affections and intimate relationships a source of suffering instead of gratification and satisfaction.
The bickering between the partners , the problems between parents and children , the marriage crisis : problems with quarantine may have amplified (or suddenly exploded when they tried to keep them dormant) in a time when, as we have said, the struggling mind to find the energies to question these relationships and identify ways for their renewal.
Now it can be unsettling to deal with all this: old and new problems that seem to have emerged, or re-emerged , beyond our will and that we do not feel able to face. A problem may seem insurmountable in at least three conditions:
- when it is too confusing and generic(it is never about “all” our life, almost always about some specific areas / people / relationships of it: the problem, in order to be resolvable, must first be defined precisely);
- when you ignore your share of responsibilityand believe that it depends only on external causes (yes, recognizing your share of responsibility can be uncomfortable and sometimes painful, but it allows us to regain mastery over what happens);
- when we rely too much on “external” criteria / standardsand do not listen to our internal feelings, the only ones that can guide us to understand what we really want.
Following these three points can be helpful not to solve the problem, but to start redefining it so that we can feel it more within our reach and not entirely beyond our strength.
Everything will be fine?
Julio Velasco is a sports manager and volleyball coach , his interventions have often taught far beyond the borders of the sports world. And even on this occasion he did not give up on denying common sense by leveragingthe sense of trust and responsibility he sees and expects from the people he works withinstead of victimization : “Will everything be okay? No, how are we going to make it go? ”“ To say that everything will be okay is fine for our grandchildren, it’s a good story. But we adults must be ready, mentally train ourselves for what will be a long crossing in the desert
