The phrases “Sorry, you’re not my type” and “You’re not my type” are clichés from romantic comedies. At the end of such films, the heroes always have a happy ending, which shows that the type can be revised and live together happily ever after. Alas, in real life, changing your preferences when choosing a partner is not so easy. Because of this, we risk getting into a vicious circle and entering into relationships with the owners of the same “red flags” over and over again.
What is a type and does it really exist?
A type is a set of characteristics that make a person attractive in our eyes. Behavior, character traits, hair and eye color, voice timbre, political views, style of clothing – all this serves as a guide in finding the ideal partner.
Scientists from the University of Toronto decided whether people really are inclined to start relationships with those who are similar to their previous lovers. It turned out that this is true: in most cases, the respondents’ former and current partners had enough in common to be classified as the same type. At the same time, extroverts who are open to new experiences were less inclined to a relationship with a copy of their ex than everyone else.
On the other hand, scientists from the University of California, Davis, that we cannot always accurately determine what type we are. For example, some of the participants in their study identified “cheerful” and “attractive” as the main characteristics that a partner should have. But when other participants named the traits “smart” and “tactful,” for respondents from the first group, these parameters suddenly began to be of great importance as well. Therefore, the researchers recommend not to get hung up on the same type — sometimes we just don’t know what we will like.
What does the type depend on?
And yet, we don’t fall in love with every “cheerful” and “smart” person: the type is influenced by various psychological factors.
Appearance
When we scroll through profiles on dating apps or see someone in a cafe, the first thing we notice is their appearance. Symmetrical facial features and a proportional figure are signs by which we subconsciously physical attractiveness .
But that’s not all that makes us consider a person beautiful. In 2015, was published that involved 35,000 respondents. They were asked to rate the attractiveness of different faces. The participants agreed with each other in their ideas about beauty only in half of the cases. The remaining 50%, as the authors suggest, depend on unique personal experience.
The second part of the study examined the aesthetic preferences of twins. It was assumed that they would coincide under the influence of genetics and similar upbringing. But this hypothesis was not confirmed. Scientists came to the conclusion: we find attractive those who are similar to people with whom we have good relationships. That is, the more familiar a face seems and the more positive associations with it, the more we like it.
Similarity to us
“Opposites attract” is another pop culture myth. In fact, we to prefer people who are similar to us in personality, share our political views and life values , and have similar socioeconomic status.
We may also seek out romantic partners who because we feel a “kinship” with such people and perceive them as kind and trustworthy.
Similarity to parents
The first guidelines in relationships are laid down at an early age. We unconsciously partners who resemble our parents or even brothers and sisters in appearance. So, the more care a father shows for his daughter and wife, the more likely it is that the grown-up daughter will fall in love with someone similar. A man is more likely to find a girl who has similar features to her mother if his mother demonstrated a positive attitude towards sexuality.
Parents’ personalities also matter: Another study participants to provide eight characteristics for a parent of the opposite sex, a current partner, and an ideal partner. In the end, there were at least four similarities between parents and partners.
How to change your type
Reflect on the experience
Self-reflection can help you understand past patterns and take conscious steps forward. Consider what you learned from previous relationships. You may have learned what needs were not being met, what traits you would like to see in a new partner, or what you are not willing to tolerate in your next relationship .
Here are some questions yourself:
- Do you often encounter similar conflicts or break up for the same reasons?
- What new things have you learned about your needs and boundaries from past relationships?
- In what areas can you compromise with your partner, and in what areas cannot you?
- What are your core values in life and what can you do to ensure your relationships reflect them?
- Have you done anything that has undermined your relationship ?
If you feel like you’re making the wrong choices over and over again and can’t break out of the vicious cycle, try discussing the issue with a therapist.
Meet different people
Give a chance to people who don’t seem like your type at first glance: go on a few blind dates or ask friends to introduce you to someone. Here’s why such an experience will definitely be useful:
- This will help you figure out what you really want (or don’t want) in a potential partner. For example, you may always think you’re attracted to extroverts, but you may end up unexpectedly forming a strong connection with an introvert.
- You will become more flexible in your approach to dating. Even if you fail to find a partner, you will learn to be open to new experiences.
- You will learn something new about yourself. A person with whom you seem to have nothing in common may introduce you to new interests that you had not previously thought about.
Wait until you change yourself
Our values and views throughout our lives. At a young age, the defining criteria of attractiveness are physical attraction and common interests. But over time, priorities can shift towards emotional support and reliability. This happens when we take on new responsibilities and social roles: we develop in our careers, start a family and have children. Gradually, the influence of childhood attitudes and previous experience weakens – but it is important not to be afraid of the new and to meet it halfway.
Focus on yourself and your goals. New hobbies , health concerns, successes at work, and other accomplishments are a recipe for increased self-confidence. Feeling autonomous and safe attachment anxiety—meaning your next relationship is more likely to be healthy and stable.
