As I write this post, it’s Sunday evening. If I look at the weekend that is ending, I only see empty hours and a hollow on the couch. Yet Monday (today) will be worse. Another gray week will begin, made of small frustrations and the obsessive search for a crumb of joy inside the Nutella jar. We need to reverse the trend. Waking up on Thursday morning and deciding that “things have to change now!” will not work. We need to start the week off on the right foot. That’s why I’ve written a little guide on how to survive Monday. It probably won’t save the next seven days from the crap, but at least it will postpone the moment of the catastrophe by a few hours.
#1. Wake up
There are many types of alarm clocks. And they all significantly lower the quality of life. Soft, almost soporific music induces you to fall back asleep. The unfortunate person will wake up half an hour later than expected, realizing that he is late for everything, even for putting on decent clothes. If you start the week showing up to work in pajama pants and a stained sweatshirt, maybe you did something wrong. On the other hand, setting the original audio of the bombing of Dresden as your alarm has other negative effects. The week jumps on you like a pissed off ex, scratching your face and leaving you annihilated. Facing Monday is an epic undertaking, the eternal struggle between the forces of Good and those of Evil. This is why the right alarm clock is a solemn and orchestral piece, in the style of Lord of the Rings . From the first blink of an eye, we must be aware that what is at stake is not only happiness, but survival itself.
#2. Routine
Every start to the week is traumatic. The worker sits in front of the computer trying to pick up the threads of what he had hastily abandoned three days before. The student takes a seat in the library, counts the weeks until the exam and curses the Madonna. The unemployed person stands at the window, looks at the cars lined up of people going to work and cries. Starting over from where you left off is always humiliating. The feeling is that the weekend days were just an oasis of serenity in the midst of a shitty life. For this reason there is only one solution: pretend it is already Tuesday. Colleagues and classmates will be amazed to see in us the determined attitude of someone who knows exactly how to act. Obviously it is a fake. But it works. The world is full of idiots who know how to do nothing, but are successful by giving the impression of having clear ideas. Well, that’s exactly what we want to be.
#3. Expense
After a weekend spent scraping the bottom of the mayonnaise jars forgotten in the corners of the fridge, the supplies are definitely gone. But there’s no point in running into a crowded supermarket to restore the decency of the pantry. Monday is stressful enough, having to also choose which brand of pasta to buy would be too much. For tonight we’ll order a pizza, tomorrow we’ll see.
“Hello, I’d like to order…”
“Yes, I already know, the usual Monday speck and brie.”
#4. Loneliness
Over the weekend, friendships are strengthened with people we have never met before. Whatsapp is clogged and there is always something to do or someone to meet. Mondays seem like a cholera epidemic has hit our phone book. But it’s not that they have forgotten about us. Mondays are simply like the first few weeks after being dumped by your girlfriend. A painful and delicate moment, that everyone must face alone to defeat their ghosts and come out on top. The best people have faced the worst Mondays.
#5. Drowsiness
Monday, as we said, is hard work. It is therefore normal that in the middle of the afternoon the body goes on strike and just wants to rest. An instinct that should not be hindered, but encouraged. In the office bathrooms, on a table, on the sidewalks. You have to know how to allow yourself a nap wherever you are. Life is a war and the tired soldier dies first.
#6. People
Monday is the day when you see your colleagues and all the other types of companions in misfortune. They are people with whom chance has wanted us to spend an exorbitant number of hours of our lives. If it were up to us, relationships with certain assholes would only be those that fall under the crime of personal injury. Instead, we go out for coffee together. Monday is a restaurant where you only swallow bitter morsels. And in the end, you even have to pay the bill.
#7. Post-Monday
When the sun sets, we congratulate ourselves for still having the strength to huff “What a shitty Monday…”. In that moment we are pervaded by an insane desire to plan the days to come. We think about where we will go, what we will do, who we will meet. Wrong. This is called anxiety and it was invented to delude us that there is a better future that we must deserve. Maybe it is true, maybe not. In any case, when Monday is over, it is good to also turn off neuronal activity. A sofa, a TV series and a beer are the best way to wait for better days (in case they intend to show up).
