5 Lessons from an unrequited love

Something very special happens in the movies. The universe of characters and places is limited, and once the plot is advanced it is difficult for someone new to appear, resulting in unrequited love affairs always ending with a traditionally happy ending, in which the main character’s object of attraction is given. he realizes that he actually feels the same way. But the real world is not like that.

As we know, there is no one person who is “perfect” for another , and the myth of the better half was unveiled a while ago. A positive love relationship for both parties has to include a successful mix of good timing , chemistry, physical attraction, similarities in values ​​and several other things, which are different for each. And luck is also involved, whether we like it or not. We would like the person who attracts us to always be interested in us, but many times things do not happen and we end up falling into the category of unrequited love.

Psychologist Roy Baumeister wrote, in his book Breaking hearts: the two sides of unrequited love , that approximately 98% of the world’s population has experienced unrequited love. The doctor of psychology, Robert Bringle, defines this experience as any love that is not returned in the same way that it is given, and that is more frequent in young people. He even assures that in high school and university students it is four times more common than reciprocal love.

Some people define this as being in the friend zone , or the friendship zone. These are usually men who believe that because they are kind or good friends with a woman they are interested in, she should be interested in them. And when it does not happen, there are many macho comments linked to the intellectuality of the intended, or to their bad decisions when it comes to dating. And they get angry and frustrated, when in fact they should be learning the first great rule of unrequited love: You cannot force the love of another person.

No matter what we have to offer or how much we want it, if someone is not interested in us, it will be difficult for them to change their mind because of our actions. And that’s not only okay, but it’s tied to the second lesson: Letting go of unrequited love is also self-love. Because we deserve to be with someone who does feel the same way about us, and not be begging for elusive affections.

And a third lesson, fundamental to moving forward and leaving behind an unrequited love, is to do an emotional self-examination. Dr. Jeremy Nicholson wrote for Psychology Today that many people fall into a pattern of unrequited love, this being a story that repeats itself considerably in their lives. And the idea is to break the cycle. What about us? What do we look for in a partner or a romantic interest?

And it is that as Bringle says, unrequited love requires less positive emotional intensity than a reciprocated one : “The study found that all types of unrequited love are less intense than mutual ones, and four times more frequent over a period of time. two-year period. They are less intense in passion, sacrifice, dependency, commitment, and practicality, but more intense in confusion. The results suggest that unrequited love is not a good stimulus for true love, but an inferior approximation to that ideal ”.

Recognizing patterns and understanding that we are capable of establishing positive relationships for our lives will always deserve more effort than the effort that we put to think of someone who does not want us back. And when getting out of that vicious circle seems impossible, therapy will always be the best companion.


by Abdullah Sam
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