The ability to understand emotions and express them correctly is a prerequisite for a strong and harmonious union. This is the idea expressed by family consultant Ellen Schrier, who also offers three tips for developing emotional intelligence in relationships.Happy couples face many of the same problems as unhappy ones, but the difference is in how they respond to difficulties, says marriage counselor Ellen Schreier. So, she says, what separates harmonious unions from destructive ones is the level of emotional intelligence in the partners .
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand, recognize, and manage one’s own and other people’s feelings.
In this case, managing emotions does not mean manipulation or suppression of negative experiences. On the contrary, avoiding strong emotions can only worsen relationships, and any manipulation can distance people from each other.
Negative emotions such as anger, fear, or pain are signals of problems in a relationship. To find the roots of these problems and resolve them, you need to acknowledge, understand, and express your feelings without criticism, blame, or judgment. This is where emotional intelligence comes in.
Schreier suggests developing this useful quality in yourself using three steps.
1. Make friends with your feelings
Identify how you feel and what caused your feelings. This may require time and solitude. Use them to fully experience the inner storm. Just don’t wall yourself off from negative emotions. Remember: they do not determine how good a person you are.
At the same time, try to analyze what provoked your reaction, whether you have experienced something similar before. It is quite possible that the problem lies not in a specific situation, but in an established behavior pattern, previously received mental trauma or something else.
2. Calm down
Negative emotions make it difficult to assess a situation objectively. When you experience them, you may become more critical or defensive than usual. So, before you return to discussing the problem, relax your mind and body. Good helpers here are books, music, a walk, meditation, or any other activity that can restore your calm.
3. (Turn) towards your partner
Once you have acknowledged your feelings and calmed down, you can begin a more productive conversation. During it, express your needs in an affirmative but non-aggressive manner. Try to listen to your partner without interrupting. Also, try to understand and accept his feelings.
If you feel negative emotions returning, do not provoke or support the conflict. It is better to take another break for reflection.
By resolving problems in this way, partners become allies rather than adversaries. They feel that despite the difficulties and negative emotions, each is trying to maintain this relationship and understand the other. As a result, a positive emotional climate is created in the couple, which is necessary for a feeling of closeness, satisfaction and happiness.
