How to find the right person and live happily ever after or escape from an unhealthy love affair in time.
1. Remember that opposites do not attract
Of course, you can have different interests and views, but only as long as they do not intrude on the territory of the partner’s key ideological positions. The joint life of a supporter of patriarchal views and a feminist, a monarchist and a liberal, and even fans of Spartak and CSKA is unlikely to be cloudless. In key issues, you must look, according to the precepts of Exupery, in the same direction.
2. Set rules
Agreements are not an attempt to limit someone’s freedom, but an attempt to develop a common language that your couple speaks. Your partner’s views on the distribution of responsibilities, financial issues, the possibility of sex on the side , joint and separate vacations, and even who showers first in the morning may differ radically from yours. You don’t have to wait for a major argument to find out what he thinks about this. Set the rules in advance and follow them.
3. Hear someone else’s “no”
There is no need to do “what’s best” if your partner has clearly expressed their disagreement with something. “No” does not mean “maybe” or “yes, but I want to be persuaded.”
4. Don’t tolerate a partner who does unpleasant things to teach you a lesson
By taking the position of a teacher, a person ceases to be an equal partner and begins to act from the point of view of a superior, a subject who is allowed more. What next? Will he give you grades and expel you from home for poor performance? Someone who deliberately makes you feel guilty is not fit for a relationship.
5. Don’t try to be smarter
You’ve probably heard advice like: “Be smarter, keep quiet and do it your way,” “Just do it, then she’ll understand that it’s better this way.” All of these are tricks and manipulations that harm relationships. If you can’t openly agree and continue to do what is unacceptable to your other half, you should either reconsider your position or change your partner.
6. Don’t demand telepathic abilities from your partner
Nature has given a person a speech apparatus, use it for its intended purpose. Tell your partner what you like and don’t like, what you expect, what actions upset you. And you certainly shouldn’t blame a person for not guessing what you are offended by.
7. Solve problems without involving a third party
There is no need to run to parents, friends or anonymous forum users for advice. You always know better what is happening in the relationship, since you are the one who knows all the circumstances of the conflict.
Let’s say you did turn to your mother for support and she agreed that your partner was wrong and a bad person in general. Only you and the offender will make peace later, but for your mother (friend, the entire Internet) he will remain a scoundrel.
8. Air your dirty laundry in public
At first glance, this advice contradicts the previous one, but it is not. If you understand that you cannot cope with problems in a couple, it is worth asking for help. A psychologist will help you cope with suddenly emerging different views on life. In case of mental or physical abuse, seek help wherever possible: from friends, in special centers, in the police. Not everyone has the resources to get out of an abusive situation on their own .
9. Don’t compare your relationships to stories from books and movies
Stop trying to repeat the love story from your favorite movie, book, and especially fairy tale. You are not Cinderella and the Prince, not Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet (or Bridget Jones), not Tony Stark and Pepper Potts, your relationship is developing differently, and that’s okay.
And then, before they dive into the vanilla abyss called “happily ever after,” the characters go through a series of difficulties, because conflict is the engine of the plot. Create your own “happily ever after” without serial wisdom and without looking back at the fantasies of scriptwriters and writers.
10. Move at your own pace
Even if all your friends got married within a year of meeting, had a baby within two, and bought a family-friendly house in the suburbs within five, you don’t have to try to force your relationship into a similar scenario. Every couple moves at their own pace, just keep it up.
11. Don’t ignore warning signs
In most relationships, there is a presentation period, when both partners try to seem better than they really are. And if you see danger signals already at the honeymoon stage, do not ignore them, trust your intuition.
Unreasonable outbursts of aggression, rudeness towards waiters, unflattering remarks about exes and other things that bother you can easily be written off as “it seemed like it” and “he/she will improve.” Most likely, it wasn’t just an illusion and your partner won’t improve. Think soberly about whether you are ready to deal with such negative manifestations regularly.
12. Check if the relationship makes life easier
If your love story consists entirely of difficulties, overcoming, quarrels and rare but bright attacks of happiness – this is an unhealthy relationship . People quickly get used to emotional swings, when despair and delight alternate, and can consider themselves quite satisfied with this.
But answer yourself honestly: does your partner make your life easier or more difficult? Do you feel happy more often than unhappy? Don’t wait for the “Titanic” of your love to sink, get into the lifeboat. Otherwise, you may be the one who doesn’t have enough space on the lifeboat.
13. Give each other personal space
Not everything that people bring into a relationship becomes common. Reserve the right to have private correspondence, have personal savings that you spend on things that only you need, and pursue your favorite hobby. And most importantly, your partner can do all of this too. Just accept it.
14. Don’t chase the ghosts of your exes
Unless you met in kindergarten, your partner has probably already had a relationship. Just leave it in the past, no need to constantly compare yourself to your exes, check their social media pages and count how many likes they give your other half.
By the way, you probably had a relationship too. And you should forget about them too. It’s very easy to start idealizing the person with whom you had a romantic story. But think: if the ex was wonderful, he wouldn’t be an ex.
15. Don’t consider jealousy as an indicator of high feelings
The demand to stop communicating with all people of the opposite sex, ambiguous reactions to every glance in the direction of an attractive person, attempts to control correspondence do not indicate great love and fear of losing a partner. This is a way of control and the very alarm signal that should not be ignored.
16. Talk about love
You confessed your feelings to your partner once and think that it is enough? Do not take the person next to you for granted, be grateful that he chose you. Remind him that you love him, give him compliments. This is a simple and free, but very valuable sign of attention.
