Some people break up, delete each other’s numbers from their phones and never contact each other again. But sometimes it’s the other way around. So, often the initiator of the breakup shows up on the doorstep again and hints or directly asks for everything back.Relationships with an ex-partner can be renewed, but it is not always worth doing. Lifehacker has a large article on how to deal with this difficult situation.
But first, it’s worth understanding what drives a person. Globally, there are several reasons why exes come back.
1. Because they realized their mistake
People break up for a million reasons. It is not always a well-thought-out, carefully verified rational decision. Even if a person considers himself to be very reasonable and bases his actions solely on the voice of common sense, our thoughts are influenced by too many factors. For example, emotions, attitudes, or various cognitive distortions can change everything. So, when making a decision, people rely on the data they have, and this is often not enough to imagine a more comprehensive picture of the future.
In general, people make wrong decisions for many reasons. And they don’t always realize it, because to do so they have to accept that they did the wrong thing. Many continue to make mistakes in the hope that now, after the next step in the wrong direction, it will become clear what it was all for. But others find the strength to dig into themselves, realize everything, forgive themselves (which is important, otherwise it will not be possible to move on) and try to restore the broken relationship.
Sometimes in such cases they say sarcastically: “He just hasn’t found anyone else.” But there is no reason to be dismissive. Some people suit us better than others. If a person feels happier, more cheerful with someone, if the relationship improves the quality of life, admitting this and trying to come back is not a weakness, but a strength.
Of course, the other person still has the right to decide whether he or she agrees to restore the union. However, in this case, at least there is something to think about. Not all reasons to get back together are as constructive. For example, the following.
2. Because they strive for a comfort zone
This reason is similar to the previous one and at the same time dramatically different. A person, having ended a relationship, suddenly realizes that his life has changed radically. He now faces new situations for himself, makes new decisions. And this can make him miss what was.
The difference between realizing a mistake and wanting to get into a comfort zone is that in the second case, a person does not understand that it will no longer be possible to return to the past. He strives to retreat. Whereas in the first case, it is clear that there was a breakup and its consequences will have to be worked on. But the ex-partner is ready, because for him it is worth the effort.
Relationships that are renewed because a couple simply wants to return to their comfort zone do not necessarily lead to nowhere. They can last for many years, and their participants will feel happy. They may even find the strength to work through the contradictions that usually surface. Or maybe it will not be possible to improve the relationship, because it will not be like before.
3. Because the breakup brought about change
When in a couple, people do not see mutual changes so clearly because they are very used to each other. Life flows according to a certain scenario, which is difficult to get out of. But a breakup can highlight what was previously unnoticeable. And this often forces you to rethink the situation and update the relationship contract – to discuss what goals and values the partners have, what they expect, and so on. And it happens that these conditions erase past contradictions and show that people value each other and are ready to meet each other halfway. This can be a good start for the next round of relations.
4. Because the expectations from the breakup were not met
If there are people who break off relationships with the thought “now I’ll leave and finally start to suffer”, then there are clearly not many of them. Usually, the initiators of the breakup expect that they will live happily ever after. They are driven by euphoria and a premonition of grandiose changes for the better. And this does not always come true.
For example, a new relationship may be dull and uninspiring. Or single life may not be as fun. Or a person may have previously felt that their partner was holding back their career or other forward movement, but it turns out that it wasn’t them at all.
In general, euphoria gives way to less energizing emotions, and the person begins to wonder: was everything really that bad before? If he is not just disappointed in his choice, but also has somehow rethought what happened, the restored relationship may have a chance of success.
5. Because they are afraid of loneliness
Loneliness can be a difficult challenge for some. Some are scared by the nagging feeling of uselessness. Others are scared by the thought that there is something wrong with single people. There can be many reasons, but the result is the same: a person looks for literally anyone to cling to so as not to be alone. Often the easiest way out is to restore old relationships.
True, there is little benefit in this for the previous partner: it is not so pleasant to be the first person you come across.
6. Because they want to use the resource
People are not necessarily driven by complex feelings and noble impulses. Someone may simply satisfy their needs at the expense of another.
For example, during difficult times, a departed partner may initiate dates with an ex to feed their ego. If they haven’t met anyone new or the relationship isn’t working out, they can tell themselves, “At least there’s someone who definitely cares.”
Resources can be different: you can live with your ex-partner for a while, or borrow money, or get emotional support, or have sex with them . However, again, there is no benefit for the other party, they are simply used and prevented from recovering from the breakup and moving on.
7. Because they see old relationships as a backup airfield
Let’s imagine an airplane with a small tank in the vast ocean without any navigation system. It is looking for some piece of land, but it cannot fly far from its aircraft carrier. It is important for it to have a platform in sight to return, refuel and go on a new search. For a person, such an aircraft carrier is a former partner. The “airplane” keeps it in sight to feel safe and comfortable, but is ready to break away at any moment and fly away if a better option looms ahead.
For the “aircraft carrier” this is, of course, uncomfortable and unsafe. It is better to let the ex fly free and sail on.
8. Because they don’t want to get off the emotional swing
Emotional swings are the alternation of polar emotions. For example, anger and despair after a quarrel are replaced by the joy of reconciliation. And the positive ones feel much stronger due to the fact that they carry a person out of the pit of negative ones. And in some way they get hooked on this. The ex remembers the strength of his positive feelings and wants to experience them again in exactly the same volume, and is often ready to cross the negative ones out of the equation.
Emotional swings are often described as a manipulative tactic, where a person deliberately behaves in a contradictory manner so that their victim experiences polar feelings. But the phenomenon can also arise spontaneously, and not with malicious intent.
A breakup creates a favorable situation for the emergence of such an “attraction.” And therefore, having separated finally, people may miss not even the relationship, but their strong feelings. Moreover, the urge to return may appear if the emotional swings were part of the usual interaction.
Here, by the way, a paradox arises. Because emotional swings are one of the signs of not the healthiest relationships. And in this situation, a breakup could just become a launching pad for a happier future. But people return to each other for sharp emotions again and again.
9. Because they are jealous
It happens that the initiator of the breakup notices that the ex is coping well with the hardships of the breakup. He lives his own life, reaches career heights, looks good, starts a new relationship. And here jealous feelings come into play , which can have many manifestations. For example:
- The desire to regain control. A person sees that the ex-partner has severed ties and moves on. And understands that he is losing the levers of influence that he would have had if the ex had retained feelings.
- Possessive emotion “You are mine and no one else’s.” A person doesn’t really want to be with an ex, but he or she can’t allow him or her to be with someone else.
- The Pursuit of Pursuit. Some people tend to fight for what they can’t have. The ex-partner in this situation becomes the desired prize.
It is unlikely that this will end with a continuation of the relationship, since the initiator of the breakup does not want this.
10. Because they want revenge
Often, the initiator of the breakup blames their ex for the breakup. It’s easier this way: you don’t have to take responsibility, you don’t have to think about the fact that you hurt someone, you can say, “He just drove me crazy, he couldn’t be normal.”
But even with this position, people do not always just leave for a new free life. Especially if it becomes not very happy. You need to go back and take revenge on the one because of whom everything allegedly went down the drain. Of course, nothing good will come of it .
11. Because they are driven by pity
Sometimes, on the contrary, a person is too immersed in guilt and shame. He feels sorry for the one he left behind, and the ex comes back so that the partner feels better. Although, it is unlikely that anything will come of this.
Perhaps few people would want to continue interacting with them only out of pity. In addition, this reason for resuming the relationship prevents both participants from surviving the breakup and moving on.
12. Because they want to meet public expectations
Sometimes people around you perceive other people’s breakups too dramatically. For example, when news about celebrity divorces is heard, entire councils of people gasping and groaning gather. Someone condemns the one who left: he didn’t save the relationship. Someone condemns the one who was abandoned: he didn’t hold on. And, of course, everyone knows how to live this life better.
At the same time, public expectations can act in any direction. Some people return to an unloved partner because they think about “what people will say.” Others, on the contrary, are afraid to improve their relationship after a breakup. And of course, it is better to rely only on your own desires.
