Being clear about myths and idealizations about romantic love is essential to prevent toxic and destructive relationships and even to reduce the risk that some of them end with abuse.
Love is a biochemical reaction that occurs in our body with the biological purpose of culminating in the reproductive act and thus guaranteeing the survival of the species. It is simply an evolutionary mechanism thanks to which our genes (let’s not forget that we are nothing more than a gene carrier) “know” that they have more options to pass from generation to generation.
Beyond this, all the meanings we give to love are due solely and exclusively to our desire to idealize everything and to try to find the romantic part of something that, in reality, is a survival strategy for our species.
- We recommend you read: “Why do we fall in love?”
Obviously there is nothing wrong in trying to find the most magical and spiritual part of falling in love, but the problem is that this idealization, generally caused by the ideas that movies and series transmit to us and even social conceptions, can make love becomes harmful, destructive, and toxic.
And it is that what is known as romantic love can lead to the development of unhealthy relationships in which the desire to try to approach the behavior patterns that society has established ends up causing both components of the couple to suffer and even increases the risk that it ends with mistreatment. In today’s article, then, we will debunk the myths about this romantic love .
What is romantic love and what myths surround it?
Romantic love is a social construction in which love itself is surrounded by conceptions that are not real, but are closer to the idealization of this biochemical process of the body. And although the purpose of this construction has been to surround love with a magical and beautiful component, it has also turned it into something destructive.
Therefore, below we will present the main myths of this romantic love with the aim of giving a more real vision of everything that has to do with falling in love, which, obviously, is one of the best things that can happen to one , but always keeping our feet on the ground and forgetting that everything is going to be like in the movies.
- “You have to find your better half”
The myth of the better half is one of the most accepted in society and, at the same time, one of the most destructive to our self-esteem and that can lead to relationships in which emotional dependence is the pillar of coexistence.
Having to find your better half implies that you are missing a half. And this is not so. Anyone is already complete and does not need anyone to be. In this sense, love should be understood as a fantastic complement to our “everything”, but never as that which will make us, finally, be complete.
This myth implies that we are incomplete people who can only achieve happiness and fulfillment when they find someone who, in theory, must be perfect. And it is that not only do you no longer need anyone to be a complete person, but the idea of finding the ideal person is, again, a utopia. Forget about finding the perfect person for you, because they don’t exist. Focus on finding the person who brings you positive emotions but who understands that you are not an orange.
- “Jealousy is a sign of love”
This is the most destructive myth. And it is the perfect excuse for both psychological and physical abusers . Jealousy is not at all a sign of love. Jealousy is a sign of toxic emotional dependence that manifests itself with destructive behaviors and denotes insecurity, both towards oneself and towards the partner itself.
And it is that although it is normal that there is often jealousy in a relationship, it should never exceed certain limits. A relationship as a couple should be based on trust and communication, so if fears or insecurities arise at any time, the best thing to do is talk.
Because when it is not done, jealousy can enter a spiral of toxic behaviors that begin with controlling the mobile phone, checking social networks, questioning, etc., but can end in psychological and physical abuse. Jealousy is not pretty. You can love someone very much without constantly feeling jealous. A love without jealousy is much more enriching.
- “Love can do everything”
To believe that love is a divine force capable of fighting against winds and tides is, again, an idealization . Love, while it is true that it can give us strength since you share life with someone, does not always win.
And considering this myth as true is the gateway to enduring intolerable attitudes on the part of both one and the other member of the couple. There are times when love does not succeed and when, as much as we try to fix the relationship, things simply do not work out. At this point, it is best to accept that our paths may have to go in different directions.
- “Arguments destroy couples”
Movies and series have made us believe that true love is that in which a fairy tale is lived. But in real life, there is no such thing as “they lived happily and ate partridges . ” Love is just another social relationship and, as in any human interaction, there are times when our interests collide with those of the other person.
Arguments do not destroy the couple at all. What’s more, they are necessary to strengthen it. And it is that communication is one of the pillars of relationships. As long as you speak with respect and without attacking the other person, arguments are an important part of love.
- “Falling in love lasts forever”
This is one of the most dangerous myths, as it causes the components of the couple to end up being unhappy. This myth makes us believe that when passion ends, love is over. And not. Absolutely.
And the thing is that falling in love is one thing and love is another . Falling in love is a set of very intense biochemical reactions in which our production of hormones linked to well-being soar, which leads us to experience very strong attractive emotions.
But this is something very expensive for our metabolism, so as soon as the presence of that person in our life becomes routine, we return to a state of emotional calm. At this point it may seem that we are no longer in love, but love does not imply being completely crazy about someone.
When passion ends, love continues. There is still love, trust, respect, communication, affection and, above all, the desire to be happy with someone. But let’s forget about the idea that we’ll be madly in love with someone for the rest of our lives.
- “I only have eyes for you”
Lie. Being in love with someone does not mean that we stop feeling attraction to other people . Accepting this is very important in a relationship, as otherwise it opens the door to jealousy and destructive behaviors.
You have to be aware that both you and your partner will continue to find other people attractive. And that doesn’t mean that you love her more or less.
- “When you love someone, you are one”
Not at all. Again, this myth opens the doors wide to emotional dependence, one of the most destructive phenomena both for the relationship itself and for each of its members. We are all born complete. And the idea that when you fall in love with someone you have to give up your independence to become a single being is something totally toxic.
When you fall in love with someone, you remain a free person who maintains their autonomy . They are simple math. One plus one equals two, not one.
- “Opposites attract”
Beware of this myth. And it is that although it is true that passion can awaken with someone with whom you do not have many things in common, when this infatuation disappears and we see things in a more objective way, problems come .
Obviously nothing happens if you are more of cinema and your partner, of theater. Or if you are from different soccer teams. Differences enrich the relationship. But if your future plans are very different, if your intentions regarding having children are also different, if you move through very different social circles, be careful. Opposites may attract at first, but then repel each other. The more things you share with someone, the easier it will be to understand and live together.
- “Marriage is the purpose of love”
The idea that love has to culminate yes or yes in marriage is almost primitive . Like having children. You can love someone a lot but not want to get married or not have children. Nothing happens for not doing what society expects of you.
As long as the couple is talked to and there is understanding, each one can want as they want. You don’t have to express it at a wedding. You can love your partner the same or more than those who wear a ring.
- “Your partner makes you happy”
No. Again, one of the most destructive myths for your emotional independence . Happiness is an emotional state that, as such, is born within you. Nobody (but you) can generate these emotions.
Therefore, whenever you are happy, it is yourself who does it. Your partner cannot make you happy (or unhappy), it is simply a magnificent complement that, if it brings you positive ingredients, can help you achieve happiness. But it is “just” one more ingredient.
Do not base your happiness on your partner because as soon as he fails, you will really believe that you cannot be happy. If from the first moment you are clear that the one who generates happiness is yourself, you will continue to enjoy the ingredients that do not come from the couple (friendships, hobbies, family, sports …) and you will not develop such destructive emotional dependence.
- “Love at first sight is real”
Perhaps sexual attraction does occur at first sight, but we cannot believe that love is also born from a crush . To believe this is to risk a lot. And it is that when you start a relationship with someone you hardly know because, in your opinion, Cupid has shot you an arrow as soon as you see him, it is possible that you end up in a toxic relationship.
Before falling in love with someone, you have to know how that person is inside, how they behave, what their future plans are, how you connect emotionally … And this cannot be known, no matter how much the movies tell us yes, at first glance .
- “Love is possession”
No. In love, you are nobody’s . You are still yours and yours alone. Love is not possession at all. Healthy love is one in which both members of the couple are aware of their independence and autonomy and, respecting this, they coexist and contribute positive things.
Connecting love with possession is what opens the doors more not only to jealousy and destructive and toxic behaviors, but to both emotional and physical abuse. And it is that wanting is not possessing, but respecting.
