Why You Choose same type of partner;Science Tells.When a bad relationship ends it is usual to propose that, for the next one , we will choose a person completely different from our usual “type” as a partner . But if you are in a similar situation, you should know that it is one thing to think about it and quite another to achieve it. An investigation recently conducted at the University of Toronto and published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) the United States has concluded that tend to fall in love with the same type of person over and over again. Researchers have explained that, although the most common thing when a relationship ends is to attribute the break to the personality of the former partner and make the decision to fall in love with another type of person, there is a very marked tendency to continue having partners with a similar personality . In short, we end up dating the same person over and over again.

Do you always choose the same type of partner? Science explains why

Yoobin Park and Geoff MacDonald , authors of this study carried out over several years on a sample of more than 300 people (and their successive partners) in Germany, have declared to the journal Science Daily : “If we discover ourselves having The same problems in one relationship after another, we may wish to reflect on how always gravitating towards the same personality traits in our partners is contributing to the survival of our problems ”.

If we have the same problems in one relationship after another, perhaps it is that we choose the same personality traits in our partners

“It seems that there is no theory that defends that the choice of partner is something that we do at random “, also affirms the psychologist and therapist Rosa Barceló . “Our decisions have to do with the repetition of models that we have learned through the first links with parental figures , and also with identity. When we fall in love, we idealize the other and put in him or her everything that we think we lack or have excess, we make an idealized projection of ourselves. There is also chemistry, but love cannot be reduced to it, since factors such as the search for the ideal, affective need and physical and intellectual attraction intervene in it ”.

The theory of attachment , developed by the English psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s, says that humans continue into adulthood the relationship patterns we learned in childhood . We develop a secure attachment when we have been educated with affection , attending to our needs and emotions (without overprotecting ourselves ) and setting clear and appropriate limits for ourselves . From this educational style we identify with the model and look for similar partners, who treat us in a healthy and satisfactory way. And our behavior goes in the direction of maintaining the relationship in a healthy and satisfactory way.

In our adult life we ​​follow the relationship patterns we learned in our childhood

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But what happens when the attachment figure is rigid and inflexible, or when it shows rejection or hostility to our needs, or if sometimes it attends to them and other times it doesn’t? In those cases we can generate insecurity, fear and anxiety , and that is when we look for partners who maintain these states and we end up becoming people who understand relationships from the conflict , often feeling uncomfortable, distrustful or anxious.

“The relationship style is an apprenticeship ”, clarifies Rosa Barceló, “ not an instinct , so we have room for movement. What we learned can be unlearned, learning another way of relating and opening ourselves to different characteristics . But we repeat the pattern if we are not aware of our fears and insecurities or do nothing to confront them ”.

John Bowlby understood from his research that evolution has programmed us to choose a particular individual from our environment and make him or her someone of value to us. This is because during evolution the natural selection favored the people who created bonds of attachment , as these gave them an advantage in the competition for survival.

“The relationship style is a learning, not an instinct” so we can modify it

Rosa Barceló
Psychologist and therapist

The need to be close to a significant figure is so important that the brain has a specific biological mechanism in charge of creating and regulating our relationship with attachment figures (parents, children and romantic partners). This mechanism, called the “attachment system”, consists of a set of emotions and behaviors that guarantee us safety and protection as long as we remain with our loved ones. Its existence explains, for example, why children feel anxiety when they are separated from their mother figure, why they desperately seek it or cry disconsolately until contact is reestablished. These kinds of reactions are known as “ protest behavior ”, and we continue to use them in a way in adulthood.

As we also resort –as it seems– to look for the same personality traits and patterns in our partners. Are we condemned to always repeat the same story? Rosa Barceló explains that we can overcome this determinism and learn not to have relationships that do not suit us. To do this, the first thing is to get to know each other well : “We repeat the pattern if we are not aware of our way of relating . We repeat history if we don’t change anything. I may always like the same type of person , but my way of relating to them can give completely different results.. For example, I can be a submissive person who likes dominant people, but I can learn to say what I feel, not to over-adapt, to set limits from respect … And the relationship with a person with similar characteristics can be very different. It is like an equation x = y. If x is multiplied by 2, either the equality (the relationship) is broken, or y also moves, giving rise to 2x = 2y . By changing me, the relationship changes ”.

If we do not want to repeat the relationship style, after a break it is important to spend some time alone and show that it is possible to be well without a partner

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In addition to working on self-knowledge, in order to be able to change the storyline of our relationships, Barceló suggests always taking time for yourself: “After a breakup, it is appropriate to spend time alone or alone, to show ourselves that we can be well without a partner ; Because only in this way, from being well alone, we will not engage in repeating unsatisfactory relationships without anything changing in them. Work on knowing our fears and insecurities , wondering what inappropriate behaviors are repeated over and over again in relationships. What do I do to “provoke” certain situations? What do I allow my partner that I should not allow? What needsI have what I would like to cover? Only from “being well with myself or myself” can I learn, improve my way of relating, not allow what is not permissible in a relationship and above all, give my best, “says the psychologist.