Lockdown and distance learning have opened up a different perspective for parents about what their children’s attitudes are like at school. They got a more precise idea of how they behave in class: if they intervene, or are often silent, for fear of making mistakes or being made fun of, if they give due importance to a verification or to an interrogation, if they know organize yourself: if they are satisfied or if they always chase perfection. Or if they are halfway there, without taking too many responsibilities. Distance learning, after all, was, among other things, an explanatory map of the “functioning” of our children in the outside world, with peers and adults.
In some cases moms and dads may have noticed that their son was exaggerating, he wanted at all costs to be perfect: with anxiety about the vote, for verification and the constant fear of making a bad impression.
According to the New York Times perfectionism is a problem related to the times in which we live: research says that one in four adolescents suffers from it. And it is a situation that should not be underestimated because it can lead to depressions and anxiety disorders. The trend is triggered not only by family pressures, and those of the outside world (school, sports activities) but also social media. And it is not a problem that only affects children struggling with school and seeking independence. “Some children – says Gordon Flett, director of LaMarsh Center for Child and Youth Research at York University at NYT – show signs of perfectionism even at 3-4 years old”.
Children who don’t accept losing when they play cards, who when they lose a sporting challenge go wild. Children who do not accept to color badly, out of line, or when they draw then suddenly begin to erase everything, because either everything is perfect, or it is nothing.
Barbara Tamborini, psycho-pedagogist and author among other books also of “La mamma di Attila” ( Solferino Libri )he immediately makes a clarification, which will help parents not to worry immediately. “The trend towards perfectionism is not always correct. Up to six years it is normal for the child to have these attitudes, to struggle to accept defeat. It is with entry into primary school that this functioning must be controlled. It is a growth target. But we also say that the tendency to perfectionism, to always seek the best result, can also be a normal and important stimulus for growth, to do something more. But when we realize that these rules, this mental functioning has become an obstacle to something else, we must intervene “. Because a child who angrily tears a sheet because the drawing has gone wrong is not so rare to see.
How do I realize instead that something is wrong?
“The personality structure is formed as children. It is enough to observe our children to understand when there is something wrong. There are aspects that are characteristics that are not inherently problematic, but there are also alarm bells, such as dysfunctional behaviors that prevent normal daily activities from taking place. A perfectionist child is the one who since childhood develops a lot of attention to the judgment of others, does not want to make mistakes. In normal situations the ability to tolerate error is a goal that is achieved in primary school. Some children, on the other hand, find it very difficult to tolerate the mistake, when for example they start learning to write, they also struggle to manage the erasure, they tear the sheet in a maniacal way. If instead you can tolerate the error and put it together with the beautiful things that are done, then everything works well: just a little encouragement to get around the obstacle. Some children, on the other hand, freeze, have crises, it is a signal that tells us that we must do something. The earlier you work on these evolutionary hitches, the more you manage to implement strategies that allow children to unlock. Speaking of the older ones, however, a wake-up call is when you always set very high goals, and you are never satisfied: you could always do better, there is always an upward trend “.
What are the emotions that accompany this type of “functioning”?
“The manifestations are anxiety, anger, aggression or sadness. They are emotional excesses that convey this dissatisfaction and this very severe judgment of themselves “.
How are these emotional excesses managed?
“If a parent senses some of these operations and finds them unusual, limited to one day, one time only, there are no problems. If, on the other hand, it happens frequently, if the child often freezes, his desire to experiment, to do, if he has more and more rules to follow rigidly, difficulties to tolerate the unexpected, then it is absolutely necessary to adopt some strategies that allow you to free it from this non-operation. If the family context is peaceful and there is no specific request from the outside world, everything can be resolved in the family. Just let go of the emotional excess, but put some stakes: for example to help him manage moments of anger. Aggressive aspects against others must be contained and managed as behavior that never goes well. Containment is the first move, then just move the child away from the situation. Trivially, you put it sitting down to simmer. Then you definitely need to add thoughts to emotions. In children it is also useful to program experiences that help to change functioning strategies, such as training to perfection, to start something even if I am not sure I can do it. Returning to the drawing of children: do an activity where there are no rigid schemes, color in a huge sheet with crayons, with finger colors, working on the nuances. By enhancing the more expressive, less structured dimension, we help the child to get out of too rigid schemes “. In children it is also useful to program experiences that help to change functioning strategies, such as training to perfection, to start something even if I am not sure I can do it. Returning to the drawing of children: do an activity where there are no rigid schemes, color in a huge sheet with crayons, with finger colors, working on the nuances. By enhancing the more expressive, less structured dimension, we help the child to get out of too rigid schemes “. In children it is also useful to program experiences that help change functioning strategies, such as training to perfection, to start something even if I am not sure I can do it. Returning to the drawing of children: do an activity where there are no rigid schemes, color in a huge sheet with crayons, with finger colors, working on the nuances. By enhancing the more expressive, less structured dimension, we help the child to get out of too rigid schemes “.
When they are older and struggle to accept advice from parents, how can we intervene?
“In pre-adolescence the role of the parent is different, but we can still play it, we can adopt corrective and support strategies. The first action is to try to understand when the desire for perfectionism becomes something that hurts instead of helping to function better. The phase of insecurity is physiological, for a certain period we all feel inadequate, but it is generally a healthy boost: we must however see if behind it there are rigid functioning, emotional states that repeat themselves and are dysfunctional, which lead to social renunciations “.
What can I do if I become a parent of these rigid operations?
“In pre-adolescence it is useful for the boy to have ties that can be reassuring. The best guarantee for this age is to have a friend or friend of the heart with whom to do the first flight tests, with which to strengthen and understand that even if I am not perfect, I can do the same. At this moment it is not from us, from the parents, who want to be reassured. If instead we notice an obsessive attitude, a very strong anxiety about failure, it is better to activate a support path because very often the corrective strategies can be activated very quickly, in order not to chronicize the obsessive functioning. If, on the other hand, there are non-dysfunctional tendencies towards well-being, we can act in support of its relationships. I think of the first years of middle school: we can support him in having friends with whom he is well by inviting them to our home, but also by pushing him out, also forcing his hand, leading him to frequent environments where there is an educational project, where making mistakes is part of daily practice: associations, activities sports. If there is no pathology, the best thing I can do as a parent is to reassure him, to have constant dialogue, and also to give concrete examples: you are accepted not because you are perfect but because you always try to give your best. Our fundamental role is to be good observers “. the best thing I can do as a parent is to reassure him, to have a constant dialogue, and also to give concrete examples: you are accepted not because you are perfect but because you always try to give your best. Our fundamental role is to be good observers “. the best thing I can do as a parent is to reassure him, to have a constant dialogue, and also to give concrete examples: you are accepted not because you are perfect but because you always try to give your best. Our fundamental role is to be good observers “.
About roles we need to have. In his books he often says that we must not be afraid to get involved but that we must also work on ourselves as parents. Is this also the case?
“Sometimes we are the last to understand certain things. So in my opinion it is useful to be open to the judgment of others, not to go immediately on the defensive, but to remain constantly open, looking for this feedback. Having a mirror in which to look is important to understand how to do it better. Sometimes another person’s word can help us understand new ways of working. Not only the teachers, teachers and teachers, but also the other parents, the people who have known us for the longest time, can help us understand how we work. We must not be afraid to ask for an opinion directly. A good parent is not afraid to change strategy, to question himself. In front of a teacher, we must never be defensive. If they tell us something, before justifying us and justifying our children, it is better to try to understand what they are telling us. It is useful to spend a lot of time to understand what I can learn from this thing, which I may not like, but before I put it aside regardless, I have to try to reflect on it a bit
