For every person with a serious illness, there is usually a person who takes care of them. And this is the so-called caregiver . The latter, especially if he is the only one to take care of the sick loved one, finds himself playing, often suddenly, an extremely burdensome role.
This requires him to perform many and different functions at the same time: the physical care of his loved one, the management of his home, his transport, the search and the choice of someone to take care of him. But also taking care of his psychological and emotional state, trying, for example, to organize his free time with activities that can distract him or stimulate him adequately.
Participating in medical examinations, receiving painful news that the patient himself may not be aware of at times. Also manage communications with family and friends, finding themselves having to share news that can be emotionally painful several times, also dealing with the questions and reactions of others. And, again, he may have to make important decisions, on different levels, taking the weight of responsibility for the consequences of his choices.
Thus, playing the role of the caregiver of a sick loved one can become an extremely tiring all-encompassing activity, with repercussions in all areas of one’s life. And this necessarily requires a new adaptation of one’s role “in the world”. Especially when the disease picture envisaged concerns a long-term situation, or perhaps not definable in time a priori.
What consequences?
For all these reasons, playing the role of caregiver involves having to manage various concerns. It also obliges us to deal with difficult emotional experiences such as frustration, guilt , fear, helplessness, anger , the experience of feeling alone. Up to the sense of compulsion deriving from feeling “stuck” in a state of illness that is not one’s own but that one is obliged to manage.
In taking care of your loved one, you often have to put your needs in the background . They may lack the time and energy to do what they like (go) to do. Up to the point of personally neglecting oneself to take care of “the other”, sometimes also feeling the need to pretend that “everything is fine”.
Although it is normal to experience certain emotional states, the dynamics described, especially when they persist over time, can generate tiredness, stress , brooding and other anxious and depressive symptoms , up to real adjustment disorders, anxiety, sleep or depression .
What is useful?
It is essential for the caregiver himself to receive support and support , in order to prevent more or less serious consequences for his own health.
Caring for a seriously ill loved one necessarily implies contact with painful and tiring emotional experiences to manage. These cannot be erased: rather it is important to learn to make room for them and accept them. However, it is possible to identify some elements that can “facilitate” the caregiver in carrying out his difficult function.
First of all, it is essential to give yourself some (and accept that you need) time to adapt to the new role and the difficult changes it entails. This without expecting to have to do it immediately, completely and maybe very well!
Thus, it is important for the caregiver himself to identify and choose some contact persons who can support him by performing different functions.
Functions of who takes care of the caregiver
First of all, it is important to have the opportunity to receive adequate, clear and understandable information on the illness of your loved one. Possibly associated with the perception of having a reference point to which one can turn to discuss this information throughout the course of the disease.
In this sense it could be useful to identify a referring doctor, or contact specific associations or support groups, if available in your area. Associations and support groups are also useful in order to deal with people who live an experience similar to their own. This can increase the perception of social support, which is important in order to promote the adaptation process and also to prevent negative repercussions for one’s health.
It is important to feel that you can ask for help and feel that you can be supported by others. And it is important to identify at least one contact person with whom you can express your concerns and emotions , even the most painful. Someone with whom the caregiver feels they can talk about how they really feel, without pretending that everything is fine. In fact, to prevent negative consequences it would be important to try to communicate openly and directly with others, as well as with your loved one who is sick.
The figures to rely on
It is important to have a person of reference and trust to whom you can delegate certain tasks, as far as possible.
And, as difficult as it is, it is also important to try to cultivate space for yourself and your interests anyway. To contact pleasant emotional states, recover energy and also to avoid identifying oneself only with the role of person who takes care of the other.
Finally, it may be useful to discuss with a professional expert in certain issues. A psychotherapist can help the caregiver recognize and value their own resources. And it can also promote the understanding and expression of his emotions, even the most painful and difficult to experience.
It can also promote the learning of cognitive and behavioral strategies to manage emotional states, cope with situations and face and manage problems in a functional way. All this while supporting the caregiver in his difficult role and promoting his adaptation process.
