Sex and Tiredness: Too Tired for Sex? How to Recover Energy

Sex and Fatigue: Introduction

When life gets hectic or you’re constantly too tired, it’s no surprise that you lack the energy for sex and passion quickly moves down the priority list.


This doesn’t mean that intimacy has to disappear: even at the end of a busy day, several strategies can be implemented to rekindle passion in the bedroom.

Fatigue: How Can It Affect Sex?

The frenetic rhythms, stress , family management, lack of rest and uncertainty about the future are just some of the pressures to which one is exposed in daily life which can end up inevitably influencing the sexual sphere.

All of these factors can have an impact on your own or your partner’s energy levels.

Whatever one’s point of view, love and sex in a relationship are closely intertwined:

  • One can love without sex, but the love may feel unrequited;
  • You can have sex without love, but intimate moments can feel like a stretch.

In other words: in a happy couple relationship, there must be the right balance.

A 2010 National Sleep Foundation survey found that nearly 25 percent of cohabiting respondents said they were often too tired to have sex with their partner ( Sleep differences among ethnic groups revealed in new poll , NSF, March 27, 2010).

A 2011 study found that lack of sleep can reduce male sex drive ( Sleep loss lowers testosterone in healthy young men , The University of Chicago Medicine, May 31, 2011).

More recent research has found, however, that sleep disturbances in menopausal women impact their libido ( Sleep and sexual function in postmenopausal women, The North American Menopause Society, February 1, 2017 )

Of course, everyone is going to go through moments at one time or another when they feel just too tired to even think about sex, but if that becomes a constant theme in your relationship , it’s important to address it . Indeed, for many people, a satisfying sex life is important to ensure closeness and intimacy in a relationship. If one partner feels that they are constantly being rejected or rejected, misunderstandings and relationship problems can ensue.

What is Intimacy?

Let’s take a step back: what is intimacy? In short, it’s that strong sense of connection you feel with your partner. In 1986, American psychologist Robert Sternberg defined the term “intimacy” as “the set of strong feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bonding.”

Stemberg described, in particular, the triangular theory of love (Sternberg, Robert J. A triangular theory of love . Psychological Review, Vol 93(2), Apr 1986, 119-135), suggesting the interaction of three components of love experiences:

  • Intimacy: Encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bonding in a loving relationship;
  • Passion: it is the engine of romance, physical attraction and sexual relationships;
  • Decision and Commitment: This is the stage where you realize you are in love and, over time, leads to the decision that you want to make a commitment to keep that love.

Sex is good (and not just for health), even when you’re tired

Sex is not only pleasurable, but also has many health benefits: enjoying sexual intimacy improves mood by releasing endorphins ; it can also help you sleep, lower blood pressure , boost immunity , relieve pain and reduce stress.

In fact, a good sex life can even improve a work life : Research at the Oregon State University College of Business (2017, Maintaining an active sex life may lead to improved job satisfaction, engagement in work) found that maintaining a healthy sex life at home increases employees’ job satisfaction and commitment .

7 Things to Do to Recover Energy

Once you give in to the temptation to abstain from sex, it can be difficult to get it back into your routine. However, there are some ways to prevent tiredness from getting in the way of intimacy with your partner.

1) Enjoy sex where and when possible

The night may simply not be the right time to have sex: morning people or those who simply have to wake up early, can take advantage of it or set the alarm 20 minutes earlier to indulge in good morning sex . In fact, for some, waking up is the ideal moment to dedicate to intimacy, because they perceive greater relaxation after a restful night.

To know more:Morning Sex: 5 Unexpected Benefits of Morning Sex

Others, on the other hand, feel more at ease and perceive less tension at other times of the day: these people can carve out a moment in their daily lives to recharge their sexual batteries and rediscover intimacy when they prefer. In other words, engaging in intimacy when and where it suits you can work around the feeling that you “should” have sex at the end of a long, tiring day.

2) The 10 minute rule


If there is no desire to have sexual intercourse, it is possible to allow yourself 10 minutes of kisses , hugs and cuddles. These forms of physical connections could put you in the right mood, making you more likely to have sex.

3) Don’t go to bed too late

After a busy day, we tend to delay bedtime to try to get things done after work.

It may seem obvious, but night rest can influence sex (and vice versa) and a fulfilling and sexually stimulating relationship depends on the quality of sleep .

First, sleeping for longer periods has been linked to higher libido. Conversely, sleep deprivation has been associated with reduced sexual desire and arousal, vaginal dryness , difficulty reaching orgasm in women, while nocturnal awakenings and lack of rest have been linked to a higher risk of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation .

Consequently, insomnia – one of the most common sleep disorders, as well as the result of poor quality and poor quality rest – can be considered a negative factor for the proper functioning of sexual activity.

Added to this are other disruptors, daytime sleepiness and fatigue, which can make one too tired for sex, although that doesn’t mean that lack of sleep will always reduce one’s libido.

Bottom line, making sure you get enough sleep is all about improving your sex life.

to know moreSex and Sleep: What Relationship Is There?

3 tips to sleep better

  1. Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends. When scheduling these times, be sure to get enough sleep to replenish the energy expended while awake. Stability in your sleep routine helps avoid fluctuations in nighttime sleep.
  2. Setting limits in working and social life: to preserve the time you need to rest each night, in your daily routine, it is useful to set deadlines within which to fulfill your personal or professional needs; in this way, it is possible to limit or avoid the interference of these aspects of life in the period dedicated to sleep.
  3. Follow a bedtime routine: Before bedtime, a regular bedtime routine can set you in the right frame of mind for good sleep : wear pajamas and brush your teeth, go to the bathroom (empty your bladder ) before bedtime, to avoid having to get up overnight. In this sense, it may also be useful to implement strategies to treat and reduce stress: find ways to relax, such as taking a hot bath , reading or stretching in silence , breathing deeply. It is essential to reduce the use of electronic devices before going to bed and try never to use them when in bed.

4) Sex doesn’t have to be penetrative

If the thought of having penetrative intercourse creates tension or anxiety due to fatigue, you can opt for other equally pleasant stimulations such as an intimate massage or mutual masturbation . Alternatively, it is possible to rediscover foreplay – unfortunately, often neglected and underestimated – or dedicate more time to them: kisses, sensual touches and stimulation of the erogenous zones in intimacy have their functionality in the sexual sphere, as they prepare the body and mind to a more intimate and fulfilling experience for both partners.

5) Spice up your sex life


If the idea of ​​having sex seems uninspiring after a tiring day, it is important to communicate directly with your partner to understand what they like and would like to try to keep the relationship balanced. Experimenting with different types of stimulation or new positions with no limits in variety and creativity can be great ways to spice up your sex life and make the experience satisfying for both parties.

6) Dividing household chores

It’s normal not to feel particularly sensual after having a busy day: sharing the household and family workload can help relieve tiredness at the end of the day and can make you more willing to go to bed and enjoy sex, rather than collapsing under the sheets.

7) Medical problems

Some people think they are too tired to have sex when, in fact, their low libido could be caused by medical issues or a side effect of certain medications, including antidepressants , antipsychotics , beta blockers, and statins .

Living with a medical condition can have significant effects on sexual function: the stress, depression and anxiety that comes with the illness and what it means for the future not only deplete energy and make you emotionally overwhelmed, but can also lead to a decrease in desire in both men and women. Low libido also causes erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, or even body image issues , making sex uncomfortable or downright impossible.

In these cases, it is important to consult your doctor to understand what strategies are available to deal with these problems or boost your energy.

What if it’s not tiredness?

Sometimes, tiredness is used as an alibi to mask the real reasons why you are disinterested in having sex:

  1. Relationship Issues: When libido is lost, people often worry that they have an underlying disease, but more often than not, this is not the case. Relationship experts often believe that misunderstandings between a couple can lead to a buildup of tension, along with anger and resentment, and this combination of negative feelings often reaches the bedroom. Disagreements, lack of trust, and poor communication are common factors behind disinterest in sex.
  2. Chronic stress: many juggle work and home life, as well as having a packed agenda of deadlines, appointments and commitments, although we all need a personal space and time to process our thoughts and emotions. When this is missing, the minds are overloaded which contributes to increased stress. The latter triggers a “fight, fear or flight” situation in the sympathetic nervous system , so the body reacts as if it were facing a potential threat, not as if it were preparing for sex! Chronic stress is known to be a factor capable of dampening sexual desire.
  3. Performance Anxiety: Men often suffer from performance anxiety; they worry that they might lose their erection or ejaculate too quickly. Women also worry that they are not ready for sex or that it might be painful. It’s understandably difficult to have these conversations, and ultimately, sex may be avoided altogether.
  4. Sleep Deprivation: As anticipated, work commitments, household responsibilities, TV and social media all contribute to late sleep and the inability to fall asleep easily. Getting enough sleep is essential for good physical and mental health. Sleep deprivation, on the other hand, increases the risk of anxiety and depression, both of which are strongly associated with loss of libido.
  5. Depression: Loss of sex drive very commonly occurs in association with depression. This condition makes you feel tired and lack the energy to do anything, including sex. Also, you don’t get the same pleasurable rewards from things that normally make you contented and satisfied; this applies to anything from eating food to reading a book to having sex.
  6. Different Sex Drives: In most relationships, one partner will have a greater sex drive than the other. This means that one partner is having less sex than she wants or needs, while the other may give in to pressure and have sex when he’s not ready or in the mood. This can create resentment and tension, so talking to your partner is essential. While starting the conversation can be difficult, once the issue is raised, you can find a way to compromise, such as agreeing on a consistent schedule for both of you and setting some ground rules.


by Abdullah Sam
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